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THAT  CONVENTION; 

OE, 


Five  Days  a Politician. 


BY 


Profusely  Illustrated  by  Frank  Beard. 


NEW  YORK  AND  CHICAGO: 

F.  G.  WELCH  & CO.,  PUBLISHERS. 


AGENTS  FOR  SUPPLYING  THE  TRADE : 

.AMERICAN  NEWS  COMPANY,  NEW  YORK; 
NEW  ENGLAND  NEWS  CO.,  BOSTON; 
WESTERN  NEWS  CO.,  CHICAGO. 

1872. 


Entered  according  to  Act  of  Congress,  in  the  year  1872, 
By  F.  G.  WELCH  & CO.,  and  E.  H.  TRAFTON, 

In  the  Office  of  the  Librarian  of  Congress,  at  Washington. 


TAYLOR  & BARWOOD,  Electrotypers,  27  Rose  St.,  N.  Y. 


DEDICATED 

TO 

Those  who  Saved  their  Country 
at 

SIN-SO-NAUGHTY;  •> 

to 

THEIR  CONSTITUENTS  WHOM  THEY  (MIS)REPRESENTED; 

AND  TO 

All  the  ‘ ‘ Intelligent  Voters  ” Who  Claim  the  Protection 

OF  THE 


A CHAPTER  OF  CHRONICLES. 


1.  In  the  days  when  Ulysses,  whose  surname  also  was  Grant, 
reigned  upon  the  earth,  in  the  seventy  and  second  year,  in  the  fifth 
month,  on  the  first  day  of  the  month  : 

2.  It  came  to  pass  that  there  were  gathered  together  with  one  ac- 
cord in  one  place,  sundry  sons  of  Belial,  plotters  ; the  same  also  were 
called  Soreheads. 

3.  (And  the  name  of  that  place  was  Cincinnati. ) 

4.  The  same  also  were  Joseph  of  Missouri,  and  William  his  part- 
ner; Brown,  whose  name  also  was  Gratz;  Schurz,  a mighty  man  of 
war;  Train,  also,  who  slew  his  thousands  with  the  jawbone  of  an  ass, 
even  his  own; 

5.  Reuben,  who  was  wroth  because  Murphy  sat  at  the  receipt  of 
custom;  Horace,  whose  name  also  was  White;  and  Wells,  surnamed 
David,  who  were  Free  Traders,  Sadducees; 

6.  For  they  hold  to  the  resurrection  of  Low  Tariff ; 

7.  And  many  more.  For  the  time  would  fail  me  to  tell  of  J ohn, 
the  same  was  a giant;  and  of  Clay,  surnamed  Cassius;  and  Town- 
send, who  was  of  the  inhabitants  of  Gath; 

8.  And  of  Reid,  who  was  one  of  the  Tribunes;  and  of  the  rest, 
Pharisees,  Gettights,  Hittites,  Jebusites,  dwellers  in  Cappodacia, 


VI 


A CHAPTER  OF  CHRONICLES. 


which  is  Chicago,  Elamites,  Syro-Phenicians,  Armenians  and  Bed- 
lamites. 

9.  And  the  number  of  these,  even  of  the  Soreheads,  was  about  six 
thousand. 

10.  But  there  were  certain  of  the  princes  of  the  people,  great  ones, 
who  went  not  down  thither,  but  stood  afar  off,  like  the  sister  of 
Moses,  to  see  what  would  come  to  the  child,  even  the  Convention. 

11.  These  were  Palmer,  who  was  unstable  as  water;  Davis,  also, 
the  judge  ; Chase,  the  high  priest ; Trumbull,  who  was  of  the  San- 
hedrim ; 

12.  Curtin,  the  tetrarch  of  Pennsylvania;  and  Greeley,  who  said 
in  his  haste  that  all  men  were  liars. 

13.  But  Adams,  who  was  the  son  of  John  Quincy,  who  was  the  son 
of  John,  when  he  saw  that  the  people  desired  him  to  be  King 
over  them, 

14.  Took  his  pen,  and  wrote  to  Bowles,  his  friend,  saying:  Charles, 
to  Samuel,  greeting:  Draw  me,  I beseech  thee,  out  of  that  crowd. 

15.  And  when  he  had  written,  he  sealed  it,  and  took  ship  for  Tarsus, 
the  same  is  Liverpool,  in  the  islands  of  the  sea,  afar  off. 

16.  Sumner,  also,  went  not  down  thither;  for  he  said,  Should  I sell 
my  birthright  for  a mess  of  pottage? 

17.  And  when  they  were  gathered  together  they  took  beams  and 
planks,  wood  of  the  cedars  of  Lebanon,  and  of  the  pine  tree,  and 
built  them  a tabernacle. 

18.  And  they  entered  into  it  and  took  Matthew,  the  judge,  and  set 
him  up  in  the  midst  of  them  and  said:  Hail,  temporary  chairman  of 
the  Convention. 

19.  And  when  he  had  beckoned  with  his  hand  for  silence,  he  spake 
unto  them  saying  : Men  and  brethren:  I perceive  it  is  meet  that  all 
things  should  be  done  in  decency  and  order. 

20.  Tarry  ye,  therefore,  and  eat  some  meat,  and  refresh  yourselves; 
and  when  ye  have  slept,  come  and  let  us  take  counsel  together. 


A CHAPTER  OF  CHRONICLES. 


VII 


21.  And  he  said  unto  the  leaders  : What  have  ye  ? And  they 
answered  and  said  : We  have  here  twelve  resolutions  and  two  nomi- 
nations; but  what  are  these  among  so  many? 

22.  But  the  multitude  desired  Schurz  and  would  not  be  comforted 
because  he  was  not.  And  they  cried  aloud:  Great  is  Carl  Schurz  of 
the  Missourians,  for  the  space  of  two  hours. 

23.  And  when  Matthew,  the  judge,  saw  that  the  tumult  of  these 
men,  republicans  and  sinners,  would  not  be  appeased  he  adjourned 
the  meeting. 

24.  And  the  evening  and  the  morning  were  the  first  day. 

25.  And  all  the  acts  of  the  Soreheads,  what  they  did,  how  Brown 
whose  surname  was  Gratz,  with  Blair,  the  son  of  Belial,  sold  them- 
selves for  thirty  pieces  of  silver,  and  how  Greeley  was  nominated; 

26.  And  how  there  was  weeping,  and  wailing,  and  gnashing  of 
teeth  among  the  friends  of  Chase,  the  high  priest;  and  Davis,  the 
judge;  and  Palmer,  who  was  unstable  as  water; 

27.  Schurz,  also,  the  mighty  man  of  war;  and  Joseph,  of  Missouri, 
and  William  iis  partner; 

28.  Are  they  not  written  in  the  Book  of  the  Chronicles  of  the  Cin- 
cinnati Convention  ? 


INDEX. 


PAGE 

A Chapter  of  Chronicles, 

FIRST  PART. 

That  Convention;  or,  Five  Days  a Politician. 

I.  “ F.  G.  W.”  takes  his  Initial  Lesson  in  Politics  - - - - 13 

II.  “ F.  G.  W.”  leaves  the  Bosom  of  his  Virtuous  Family  - - 17 

III.  A “Ten  Strike” 28 

IV.  “ Long  John  36 

V.  “ The  Man  of  Destiny  ” - - - . . . .42 

VI.  “ Give  me  a Handkerchief ! ” ......  47 

VII.  The  First  Gun— and  the  First  Campaign  Song  - - - - 54 

VIII.  The  Real  Thing  at  Last  .......  60 

IX.  The  Women  in  “ That  Convention  ” - - - - - 71 

X.  “ The  Plot  Thickens  Our  Trio  Becomes  a Quartette  - - 74 

XI.  Room  237—“  I Could  a Tale  Unfold  ” - - - - - 80 

XII.  “F.  G.  W.”  Swears  Off  87 

PART  SECOND. 

The  “ Dolly  Varden ” Convention,  and  the  “ Doughnut  ” Platform. 

I.  The  Call 95 

II.  First  Day  .........  97 

III.  Second  Day  .........  98 

IV.  The  Last  Day  ---------  103 

V.  What  “ They  Say,” - 113 

VI.  What  H.  G.  Says  * 124 

PART  THIRD. 

H.  G.,  ( his  x marie),  which  being  interpreted  means,  Horace  Greeley. 

I.  What  I Know  about  the  Later  Franklin  - - - - - 139 

II.  The  Champion  Chirography  of  the  Modern  Cincinnatus  - - 147 

III.  Rev.  Petroleum  V.  Nasby  Converts  the  “Corners”  to  the  “Cabbage 

Candidate  ” - - - - - - - - 159 

IV.  The  Epicurian  Greeley  on  Doughnuts  -----  166 

V.  The  First  Message  of  the  (Do-any-thing-to-be)  next  President  - - 170 

PART  FOURTH. 

“A  Horse!  A Horse!  My  Kingdom  for  a Horse." 

I.  A Double-Team  Trot  179 


INDEX  TO  ILLUSTRATIONS. 


FRONTISPIECE. 

The  Most  Prominent  Man  in  uThat  Convention .” 

FULL  PAGE  ILLUSTRATIONS : 

PAGE 

The  Elastic  Goddess  65 

The  Snipes  that  were  shot  at  “ That  Convention  ” - - - - 93 

“ Take  off  your  hats,  gentlemen,  and  show  your  credentials  ” - - 99 

Reading  the  Dispatches ........  109 

“ Between  two  Stools,”  &c.  - - - . . - 116 

Hobson’s  Choice  ---------  121 

Politics  makes  strange  bed-fellows  - - - - - - 126 

“Will  you  walk  into  my  parlor?”  ------  129 

Their  Constituents  ---------  133 

Greeley’s  Protection  138 

Innocence  Abroad  ---------  142 

Mark  Twain  ( portrait)  ------  - 146 

Subsoiling  for  a crop  of  November  beats  - - - - - 151 

Petroleum  Y.  Nasby  (portrait) 158 

Positively  last  appearance  of  the  Political  Blondin  ....  162 
Cultivating  Greeley  Clubs  - - - - - - - 171 

A Candidate  with  “Horse  sense,”  (double page)  - - - - 176 

ILLUSTRATIONS  IN  THE  BODY  OF  THE  BOOK  : 

“And  his  smile  it  was  childlike  and  bland.”  - - - - - 13 

“He  whispered  tragically,”  -------  14 

“ Good-bye,  John.”  “ F.  G.  W.,”  going  to  save  his  Country  - - - 17 

Where  the  Davis  Fund  went  to  ------  19 

“The  most  useless  man  in  America,”  ------  21 

“The  birds  sang  sweetly,”  -------  22 

“ Good  Lord,  deliver  us ! ” -------  23 

“Rooms  were  scarce,”  - -------  26 

Geographical  location  of  Room  No.  237  - - - - - - 27 

“ We  were  introduced  to  a number  of  Honorable  gentlemen,”  - - 28 

Preparing  for  arduous  duties  -------  29 

“ Such  a Suicidal  Pace,”  -------  30 

“The  Wonderful  St.  Bernard,”  - 31 

“Whose  air  suggested  proprietorship,”  -----  32 

Front  side  of  card  ...  - - - - - - 32 

The  fair  female  - - - - - - • * 33 

The  Watch  ----------  35 

A foraging  expedition  - - - - - - -.  37 

“ They  part  and  meet  again  like  old  friends,”  - - - .38 


INDEX  TO  HaLU STRATION S. 


PAGE 

“His  forte  is  asparagus,” - 38 

“ He  commenced  roaring,  and  I left,”  - - - - - - 40 

“George  Francis  Train,  N.  P.  A.”  . - - - - - 42 

Tlie  man  who  got  a joke  on  Train  ......  46 

“The  truant  came  ‘staving  ’ into  the  room,”  ....  48 

“The  woman  of  my  dreams,”  .......  49 

“ Give  me  a hankerchief,”  50 

“ An  interminable  crowd  was  taking  turns,”  - - - - 52 

“My  heart  is  with  you,”  .......  56 

“ We  struck  up,”  - - - - - - - - 57 

“ Sharp  and  quick,”  ........  58 

An  interesting  study  ........  62 

The  “ Liberal  ” ticket  - - - - - - - - 66 

“ How  that  press  ticket  of  mine  did  double  duty,”  - - - 67 

“I’se  for  de  man  dat  settles  de  soda-water  question,”  68 

Col.  Susie  B.  Anthony  - - - - - - - 71 

“F.  G.  W.’s”  Candidate 73 

“ We  were  glad  to  see  Botch,”  .......  74 

“He  followed  the  simple  directions  implicitly,”  - - - - 77 

“ We  did  what  we  could  to  make  him  tight  and  comfortable,”  - - 78 

**F.  G.  W.”  saving  his  country  at  Cincinnati  ....  80 

“ Line  upon  line,”  --------  - 84 

“ Whereupon  occurred  a little  ‘ walk-around,’”  - - - - 85 

Political  Life  - - - - - - - - - -87 

“ On  a bounding  horse-car,”  -------  89 

Home  Life  90 

The  Spirit  of  the  Convention  -------  96 

“ See  the  Conquering  hero  comes,”  - - - - - - 113 

“ A Republican  on  the  half-shell,”  - - - - - 119 

“ Vote  for  me,”  ---------  124 

The  “ Cabbage  Candidate,”  -------  139 

Erickson  unbosoms  himself  to  Mark  Twain  - - - - - 147 

An  Autograph  letter  149 

“ I hed  a severe  time  uv  it,”  -------  159 

**  It  wuz  a cheerin  site,”  ...----  165 

“Truly  delicious,”  - - - - - * * * - 166 

“The  tide  was  still  rising,”  -------  167 

“We  only  saved  three,”  --------  168 

The  Start  - 179 

“ Life  Insured  ? ” - - - - - - - - * 182 

“Bearing  beautifully  ahead,”  -------  183 


THAT  CONVENTION; 

OE, 

FIVE  DAYS  A POLITICIAN. 

>' 


PART  FIRST. 


FIVE  DAYS  A POLITICIAN 


i. 

“ F.  G.  W.”  takes  his  Initial  Lesson  in  Politics. 


“ And  his  smile  it  was  childlike  and  bland.” 

The  country  cannot  be  saved  too  often.  When  I heard 
that  “ the  home  of  the  brave  and  the  land  of  the  free” 
was  again  to  be  saved,  this  time  at  Cincinnati,  I was 


14 


THAT  CONVENTION  ; OR, 


ready  to  be  sacrificed — at  the  expense  of  any  candidate 
who  was  up  to  that  sort  of  thing. 

“ That  Convention  meets  next  week;  are  you  going?” 
inquired  an  enthusiastic  young  political  friend  as  the  fate- 
ful time  drew  nigh.  I knew  he  was  on  the  “inside” — 
wherever  that  may  be — of  a “ring,”  and  instinctively  felt 
my  time  had  come.  Not  that  I’m  given  to  duplicity,  but 
that  I know  diplomacy  to  be  trumps  in  politics.  I re- 
plied, with  an  honesty  of  expression  that  would  have 
done  honor  to  a man  older  in  the  business,  “No,  I had 
not  thought  of  going ; besides,  I’m  no  politician,  have 
no  time  to  spare” — 

“Hold  on,”  cried  my  friend,  “let  me  explain.  You 
see,”  touching  a plethoric  pocket-book  in  a tenderly  sug- 
gestive manner,  “ I am  authorized  by  the  next  best  friend 
of  Judge  Davis  to  invite  you  and  Stavie,  and  some  other 
good  fellows,  to  go  along  with  us,  and” — placing  his 
mouth  to  my  ear,  he  whispered  tragically,  “ What  do  you 
say  now  ?” 


“He  whispered  tragically.” 

I allowed  myself  to  look  slightly  relentful  at  him,  as  I 
replied,  “ ‘ Only  this;’  you  have  often  heard  me  express 


FIVE  DATS  A POLITICIAN. 


15 


excessively  good,  not  to  say  brilliantly  original,  ideas, 
upon  the  great  Political  Issues  of  the  day,  and  what  few 
principles  I have  are  not  for  sale  ! (Here  I looked  the 
high-born  patriot,  every  inch  of  me.)  I want  no  office, 
wield  no  political  influence,  and  under  this  aggregation 
of  circumstances,  I really  cannot  consent  to  burden  you 
with  my  company.” 

“ 0,  but  you  are  too  sensitively  conscientious  by  half; 
you  must  go.  Really  (in  the  softest  and  most  sarcastically 
insinuating  tones),  have  you  exercised  the  rights  of  a free 
and  enlightened  voter,  and  have  yet  so  deplorably  neg- 
lected your  education — your  golden  opportunities , so  to 
speak  ?” 

“No;  to  be  certainly,  yes,”  I lucidly  replied.  I was 
preparing  to  climatically  recede  from  my  position,  in  a 
manner  becoming  a diplomat  of  the  first  water — though 
why  that  should  be  better  water  than  any  other,  unless 
cleaner,  is  more  than  I can  tell.  In  fact,  I was  luring  him 
on  in  his  efforts  to  allure  me;  when  I should  be  ready 
to  accept  the  offer,  I wished  my  friend  to  enjoy  the  satis- 
faction of  having  won  a victory,  and  I,  in  turn,  more 
selfishly  perhaps,  wished  to  be  sure  of  appreciation. 
“ But  would  it  not  better  serve  your  purpose  to  take  with 
you  successful  operators  in  the  political  arena,  sym- 
pathizers in  the  movement,  veterans  in  the  cause  ?” 

My  fair  tempter  sadly  smiled,  as  he  remarked,  with  a 
candor  as  beautiful  as  it  was  complimentary  to  myself, 
“ That’s  where  the  mischief  comes  in;  this  movement  has 
no  successful  operators,  no  sympathizers,  no  old  veterans 
— comparatively  speaking.  What  few  there  are  of  these 
we’ve  got  a sure  thing  on,  you  may  stake  your  bottom 
dollar.  That’s  why  we  have  to  pick  up  such  as  we  can 
get!” 


16 


THAT  CONVENTION  ; OR, 


Which  last  remark  rather  punctured  my  well-pre- 
pared climax. 

I felt  reflectively  inclined,  and  indulged  in  a little 
idiosyncrasy  of  that  sort. 

“We  can  make  a politician  out  of  you  fast  enough,”  he 
finally  resumed.  “ And  there  will  be  more  rejoicing  over 
the  one  convert  than  over  the  ninety  and  nine — or  less 
— that  didn’t  require  such  an  operation.” 

“ You  may  count  me  in  for  a D.  H.  ticket — if  Stavie 
will  go.”  Stavie  had  already  promised,  and  I was  forced 
to  accept,  minus  the  dramatic  climax — which  had  been 
“ unavoidably  withdrawn.” 

Were  I now  an  honest  man,  as  I am  a politician,  I 
would  have  been  spared  the  pain  of  transcribing,  more 
as  a warning  than  from  choice,  this  history  of  my  fall. 


FIVE  DAYS  A POLITICIAN. 


17 


“ Good  bye,  John.”  “ F.  G.  W.”  going  to  save  bis  Country. 

We  met  at  the  depot  of  a Sunday  nigbt — the  Young 
and  Innocent  Politician — which  does  not  mean  me,  but 
the  man  with  Davis’  money,  and  Stavie,  and  “yours 


18 


THAT  CONVENTION  ; OR, 


most  respectfully,  F.  G.  W.,”  the  last  two  being  imbued 
with  a commendable  determination  to  see  Y.  I.  P. 
through  like  men — so  long  as  a red  cent  of  Judge  Davis’ 
filthy  lucre  remained  in  his  possession.  For  conven- 
ience, our  seducer  will  hereafter  appear  in  these  pages 
under  the  patronymic  of  Steady.  The  appropriateness 
of  Stavie’s  cognomen  is  as  apparent  to  every  one  who 
knows  what  a “staring  good  fellow”  he  is,  as  is  the  in- 
congruity of  the  somewhat  antipodal  application  of  the 
word  steady  to  the  former  facetious  and  lively  individual, 
when  connected  with  the  idea  of  quality  implied,  as  the 
Unabridged  expounds  it:  as  for  myself,  I only  wish  that 
I,  too,  had  indulged  in  the  luxury  of  a nom  de  plume — at 
least  while  at  Cincinnati. 

To  resume.  The  church  bells  of  Chicago  tolled  a 
requiem  as  we  slowly  moved  out  of  town.  It  was  the 
death-knell  to  the  budding  hopes  of  a train-load  of  “ sore- 
heads.” I think  no  one  heard  it  but  myself.  The  others 
were  not  so  religiously  inclined,  but  had  already  given 
themselves  up  to  the  fascination  of  hearing  themselves 
air  their  own  opinions  upon  the  all-engrossing  subjec^ 
before  I had  well  settled  down  in  my  seat  to  study  the 
occasion  and  the  passengers.  The  conductor  informed  me 
that  he  had  seventy-five  Cincinnati  passengers.  Fifty- 
three  presented  queer  yellow  tickets — “ Good  from  Chi- 
cago to  Cincinnati  and  return” — while  across  the  face  of 
them  was  inscribed  the  mystical  word,  “ Special.”  The 
exact  meaning  of  the  strange  imprint  the  conductor  could 
not  divine.  He  had  never  seen  any  such  tickets  before,  but 
supposed  that  they  were  gotten  up  “for  the  occasion.” 
It  was  none  of  his  business,  he  blandly  remarked,  and 
“he  did  not  trouble  himself  about  the  matter.”  Pre- 
suming that  minding  my  own  business  was  the  best 


FIVE  DAYS  A POLITICIAN. 


19 


PITTSBURG,  CINCINNATI  & ST.  LOUIS 

ssued  by  the 

First  Class  Excursion  Ticket. 

Chicago  to  Cincinnati. 

ZEFLe-fc-vsLEriaa.. 

The  Coupons  are  good  only  when  presented  in 
connection  with  this  Ticket,  and  stamped  by  the 
Ticket  Agent. 

£ 

,> 

r 

> 

s' 

General  Ticket  Agt. 

PITTS.,  CINCINNATI  & ST.  LOUIS  R.  W. 

VO 

OJ 

First  Class  Excursion  Ticket. 

. RICHMOND 
CHICAGO. 

Good  until  May  6th,  1872. 

After  which  date  it  becomes  forfeited. 
Not  good  if  detached  from  the  Ticket,  nor 
until  stamped  by  the  Ticket  Agent. 

Ex  1094  Cincinnati  to  Chicago. 

lO 

!— i 

Ol 

~ Issued  by  PITTS.,  CIN.  & ST.  LOUIS  R.  W. 

8 1 10  1 2 ! 12  i 6 1 II  1 7 

13 

CIN.,  HAMILTON  & DAYTON  R.  R. 

First  Class  Excursion  Ticket. 

v CINCINNATI 
^RICHMOND. 

Good  until  May  6th,  1872. 

After  which  date  it  becomes  forfeited. 
Not  good  if  detached  from  the  Ticket,  nor 
until  stamped  the  Ticket  Agent. 

ho 

T— 1 

Ex  1094  Cincinnati  to  Chicago. 

Issued  by  PITTS.,  CIN.  b ST.  LOUIS  R.  W. 

Where  the  Davis  Fund  went  to. 

philosophy  for  me,  I questioned  the  uncommunicative 
railroad  official  no  further.  The  “ 53”  tickets  were  shown 
by  well-known  politicians,  who  gathered  in  groups  and 
discussed  the  probable  and  improbable  results  of  the 


20 


THAT  CONVENTION  ; OR, 


Convention.  It  was  late  in  the  evening  before  the  berths 
were  prepared,  or  sleep  was  even  thought  of;  and  here, 
at  the  very  outset  of  this  experience  of  “Five  Days  a 
Politician,”  I am  constrained  to  digress  in  order  to  re- 
mark a very  noticeable  incident.  As  we  left  the  depot 
in  Chicago  the  “ white  conductor”  of  the  sleeping-car 
collected  the  tickets  without  assigning  us  our  different 
berths.  The  tickets  were  deposited  safely  in  the  side 
pocket  of  a long  pair  of  trousers,  where  they  remained. 
Finally,  the  trousers  were  requested  to  disgorge,  and  dis- 
close “which  was  which,”  and  “what  was  what,”  but 
that  did  not  help  our  case,  as  we  were  still  ignorant 
which  numbers  we  were  entitled  to.  We  had  three  days 
previous  to  this  secured  the  tickets,  and  supposed  that 
the  “gentlemanly  conductor”  knew  his  business,  but 
soon  realized  that  he  did  not.  This  may  not  seem  per- 
tinent to  “ that  Convention,”  but  it  was  pre-eminently  so 
to  Convention-goers,  and  I am  convinced  that  a large 
majority  of  the  American  travelers  agree  with  me  in  pro- 
nouncing a white  man  on  a sleeping-car  more  ornamental 
than  useful — in  fact,  much  the  most  useless  man  in 
America.  He  does  scarcely  any  work.  He  is  very  rarely 
of  any  great  beauty,  is  scarcely  ornamental,  and  is  far 
from  being  intelligent.  It  is  his  object  to  relieve  the 
negro  of  responsibility,  but  the  space  he  is  compelled  to 
occupy  for  this  purpose  is  much  more  valuable  for  other 
uses.  He  may  be,  in  the  opinion  of  the  proprietors, 
essential  toward  keeping  up  a certain  “swell”  style,  but 
for  all  practical  purposes  perfectly  useless.  The  time 
has  come,  in  my  opinion,  and  in  the  opinion  of  a large 
majority  of  the  patrons  of  the  sleeping-car,  to  popularize 
this  eminently  American  institution  by  doing  away  with 
all  its  superfluous  appendages,  and  reducing  the  cost  of 


FIVE  DAYS  A POLITICIAN. 


21 


‘ ‘ The  most  useless  man  in  America.  ” 

such  travel  comforts  within  the  means  of  all.  Besides,  I 
am  firm  in  the  belief  that  a sufficient  number  of  capable 
negro  conductors  can  be  procured  to  attend  to  the  wants 
of  all  such  travel  upon  our  railroads.  These  colored  men 
are  fully  as  capable  as  thei*  “white  superiors”  that  are 
at  present  generally  employed.  It  is  hard  to  believe 
that  so  large  a number  of  white  conductors  can  be  found 
who  are  willing  to  sacrifice  their  manhood  and  dignity 
by  occupying  comparatively  menial  positions,  far  abler 
filled  by  the  negro.  The  former  certainly  do  not  return 
“value  received”  in  their  labor,  and  no  able-bodied 


22 


THAT  CONVENTION  ; OR, 


American  can  retain  the  dignity  of  manhood  by  falling 
short  of  this. 

To  resume.  We  succeeded,  however,  on  this  journey  in 
getting  to  bed  long  after  the  balance  of  a noisy  set  of 
passengers  had  retired,  and  we  were  “ well  shaken  be- 
fore taken  ” along  at  a rattling  speed  over  the  roughest 
road  that  leads  out  of  Chicago.  Early  next  morning  we 
were  awakened  by  the  ringing  of  a breakfast  bell  and  the 
cry  of  “ Twenty  minutes  for  breakfast/’  at  Richmond, 
Ind.  After  breakfast  we  were  switched  onto  a smooth 
track,  and  glided  comfortably  along  toward  the  Queen 
City  of  the  West.  The  grass  on  either  side  of  the  track 
was  green  and  luxurious;  the  fruit  trees  were  in  full 
bloom;  the  birds  sang  sweetly, 


“ The  birds  sang  sweetly.’’ 

and  all  nature  seemed  to  us  in  her  happiest,  merriest 
garb.  At  the  first  stoppage  south  of  Richmond  our  car 
was  re-inforced  with  the  first  and  only  lady  passenger 
we  had  had  during  our  journey.  Some  one  remarked 


FIVE  DAYS  A POLITICIAN. 


23 


that  she  was  probably  a “ Lay  Delegate.”  Our  fair  fel- 
low-traveler was  handsome,  neatly  dressed  and  apparently 
intelligent.  She  did  “lay  on  ” with  her  tongue  until  she 
had  completely  quieted  a number  of  “honorable  gentle- 
men ” near  her,  who  at  home  considered  themselves  re- 
markably good  talkers.  She  frankly  admitted  that  she 
had  just  been  divorced,  that  she  was  on  her  way  to  “ that 
Convention,”  and  that  she  was  again  ready  for  business 
(matrimonially  speaking).  My  excessive  modesty  for- 
bade me  asking  her  how  often  she  had  visited  Indiana; 
but  as  I heard  her  tongue  run  on,  while  her  arms  were 
gesticulating  wildly,  concerning  the  “great  questions” 
of  the  day,  I silently  repeated  the  prayer  of  our  Episcopal 
friends,  from  all  such,  “ Good  Lord  deliver  us.” 


“Good  Lord,  deliver  us!” 


24 


THAT  CONVENTION  ; OE, 


Leaving  the  immediate  presence  of  the  strong  minded 
lady,  I occupied  a seat  with  one  of  the  “ Hon.”  gentlemen 
from  Illinois.  Said  the  gentleman  to  the  crowd  gathered 
around  him,  drinking  in  drops  of  political  wisdom: 

“ I suppose  you  notice  that  the  peach  trees  all  along 
the  road  are  in  full  bloom  ?” 

Most  of  them  had  already  noticed  this. 

‘Now,”  said  the  “Hon.”  gentleman  from  Illinois,  “ I 
will  bet  a handsome  wager  that  these  blossoms  will  all 
ripen  into  peaches,  and  be  eaten  long  before  the  nominee 
of  ‘ that  Convention  * is  elected  President  of  the  United 
States !” 

He  spoke  in  dead  earnest,  and  there  was  not  a single 
taker,  not  a single  smile,  and  the  subject  was  soon  after- 
ward changed.  Politicians  are  smart  fellows,  generally. 
Have  always  on  hand  that  cheap  commodity  called 
“ gas,”  out  West,  but  this  crowd,  evidently,  on  the  morn- 
ing referred  to,  were  a little  dull.  Among  the  passengers 
on  our  car  was  Hon.  Mr.  Grinnell,  of  Iowa,  and  Hon.  J. 
D.  Easter,  of  Illinois.  The  latter  went  on  business,  not 
as  a delegate.  Hon.  Mr.  Shannon,  also  from  Illinois,  one 
of  the  Democratic  State  Central  Committee,  and  one  of 
the  “ hunkerest  ” of  the  “ hunkers,”  was  of  our  party.  Mr. 
Shannon  told  me  he  was  going  to  Cincinnati  to  look  on 
and  report,  that  as  the  Democracy  now  had  everything 
to  make  and  nothing  to  lose,  they  must  keep  looking 
until  they  could  find  a congenial  resting  place.  Mr.  S. 
said  that  they  could  take  Davis  and  Parker  bodily,  as 
they  had  not  been  politicians  and  were  honest  men.  I 
thought  this  was  sensible  for  him  to  say,  and  was  con- 
vinced at  the  time  that  he  was  honest  as  he  did  not  have 
a yellow  ticket,  nor  was  his  piece  of  paste-board  marked 
with  the  mystic  letters — “ S-p-e-c-i-a-1.” 


FIVE  DAYS  A POLITICIAN. 


25 


There  was  also  in  our  car  another  “ Hon.”  gent,  worthy 
of  note  here.  It  was  Mr.  Abner  Taylor,  the  great  rail- 
road contractor,  of  Chicago.  “ That  man  goes  to  Cin- 
cinnati,” said  a friend  of  mine,  “with  his  hands  on  the 
purse-strings  of  the  Pennsylvania  Central  Railroad. 
Taylor  wanted  Davis  to  take  the  Western  vote,  and 
Curtin  as  second  best  man  for  protective  Pennsylvania. 
The  great  contractor  made  a handsome  fortune  on  the 
last  Presidential  election,  and  has  a larger  fortune  to  in- 
vest in  the  one  approaching.  He  has  much  of  the  “ Grant 
manner  ” about  him.  He  says  but  little  in  a crowd,  but 
keeps  up  a terrible  amount  of  thinking,  which  led  me  to 
believe  that  he  was  making  great  preparations  for  the 
committee  room. 

The  mysterious  “ 53  ” who  held  the  “ yellow  tickets  ” 
marked  “ Special  ” were  also  busy.  Oh  ! how  they  did 
talk  Davis.  “Honest  man,  Sir!”  “Good  record!” 
“ Incapable  of  doing  a mean  or  dishonest  trick  !” 
“Wealthy — no  occasion  to  steal!”  “Just  the  man  for 
the  times,  Sir !”  A good  deal  of  this  was  doubtless  true 
and  I believe  I had  heard  it  before,  but  would  not  have 
expected  to  have  heard  it  from  so  many  fti  one  car, 
gathered  together  from  all  parts  of  the  West.  There  is 
generally  a wide  difference  of  opinion  on  political  matters 
in  any  crowd  one  may  chance  to  be  thrown  in,  but  here 
the  sentiments  above  expressed  were  unanimously  ap- 
proved. 

At  9 :10  we  arrived  in  the  Queen  City  and  landed  from 
the  ’bus  at  that  solid  and  substantial,  but  lugubrious  look- 
ing hotel,  the  Burnet  House.  Rooms,  of  course,  were 
scarce,  but  by  making  a party  of  four,  we  were  able  to 
secure  Room  237.  We  then  started  on  an  exploring  tour 
in  search  of  our  rooms,  led  by  a waiter  boy  who  was  “jest 


26 


THAT  CONVENTION  ; OR, 


hired  for  the  Convention,  Sah.”  We  followed — well,  np 
some  four  or  five  flights  of  stairs — and  were  engaged  in 
“ boxing  the  compass,”  until  Stavie  exclaimed,  in  the  lan- 
guage of  Hamlet,  “ I’ll  follow  thee  (black  man)  no  fur- 
ther,” and  so  said  we  all  of  us.  We  could  find  no  speaking- 
tube  with  which  to  communicate  with  the  lower  regions, 
and  our  boy  had  disappeared.  There  was  no  passenger- 
elevator,  hence  we  all  concluded  to  halt  and  allow  the  boy 
to  find  the  room  and  report  its  latitude  and  longitude. 
Halting  near  the  stairway  we  looked  down  on  the  heads 
of  the  “ Hon.”  crowd,  until  the  boy  shouted  out  from 
afar  off,  “ Come  disway,  gemmen  delegates !”  But  Stavie 


FIVE  DAYS  A POLITICIAN. 


27 


was  suspicious  and  refused  to  go  until  the  “ Hon.  Gent  ” 
from  Illinois  returned  from  the  place  from  whence  the 
sound  proceeded  and  assured  us  that  the  black  imp  really 
had  stumbled  upon  Boom  237.  Now  there  is  nothing 
about  the  number  237  taken  collectively,  or  the  numbers 
2-3-7  as  integers,  but  before  “ that  Convention  ” closed 
its  business,  Room  237  became  somewhat  famous,  and  is, 
therefore,  entitled  to  a more  definite  location.  To  reach  it, 
you  proceed  from  the  street  upward,  say,  sixty  or  seventy 
feet,  via  a stairway  “ rough  and  rugged,”  to  a landing, 
thence  north,  thence  east,  thence  north  again,  thence  to 
the  right,  (can’t  give  the  points  of  the  compass,)  to  the 
entrance  door.  Or,  in  other  words,  Room  237  was  in  the 
north-east  quarter  of  the  west  quarter  of  the  south  half 
of  the  east  half  of  the  south  section  of  the  topmost  floor 
of  the  Burnet  House,  with  no  passenger  elevator  and  no 
bell  that  was  safe  to  bet  on. 


28 


THAT  CONVENTION  ) OR, 


III. 

A “ Ten  Strike.” 

When  we  arrived  at  the  Burnet  House,  we  deposited 
our  autographs  in  a book  kept  for  the  purpose,  but  one 
of  the  “ Honorable  ” gentlemen  did  not  put  in  his  ap- 
pearance, so  there  was  but  three  of  us  there  “in  the 
flesh  ” — Steady,  Stavie  and  I.  We  were  all  quite  fatigued 
from  our  extensive  journey,  and  travel- worn,  and  there- 
fore concluded  to  rest  a “ spell  ” before  commencing  the 
difficult  task  of  the  week.  After  dinner  we  were  intro- 
duced to  a number  of  “ Honorable  ” gentlemen  from  all 
parts  of  the  land. 


“We  were  introduced  to  a number  of  Honorable  gentlemen.” 


FIVE  DAYS  A POLITICIAN. 


29 


Each  one  appeared  to  have  his  own  idea  of  who  the 
“ lucky  (?)  man  ” would  be  ; what  the  platform  should 
be  ; and  how  the  campaign  should  be  conducted.  The 
business  was  new  to  Stavie  and  myself,  and  we  said  but 
little  the  fiist  day.  "W  e were  apt  enough,  however,  and 
learned  quite  rapidly,  and  all  too  soon  got  “ the  hang  ” 
of  “ talking  politics.5’  At  intervals  we  occupied  our 
time  in  preparing  ourselves  for  the  opening  day,  which 
was  Wednesday. 


Preparing  for  arduous  duties. 

There  was  not  much  of  a crowd,  even  at  the  Burnet, 
on  Monday,  and  the  city  did  not  present  a very  busy  ap- 
pearance. To  kill  time  during  the  afternoon  we  hired 
a carriage  for  a ride  about  the  city.  I suppose,  it  would 
have  been  called  a ride  in  Cincinnati,  but  we  in  Chicago 
would  discharge  any  driver  who  would  permit  his  team 
to  travel  at  such  a suicidal  pace,  for  he  could  kill  more 


30 


THAT  CONVENTION  ; OK, 


time  and  get  over  less  ground  than  any  driver  I was 
ever  fated  to  fall  in — or  fall  out — with. 


“Such  a Suicidal  Pace.” 


Then,  the  hills ! They  are  everywhere  about  Cincin- 
nati. In  fact  it  forcibly  reminded  me  of  my  journey 
over  the  Rocky  Mountains  in  ’59,  when  we  “ doubled 
teams  ” to  get  up  hill  and  “ doubled  ” at  the  back  of  the 
wagon  to  get  down  again.  Our  ride  was  concluded  at 
somewhere  in  the  neighborhood  of  the  fifth  hour  of  the 
afternoon;  but  what  we  saw  is  hardly  worth  mentioning 
as  we  went  so  wretchedly  slow,  and  our  time  was  so  much 
occupied  in  showering  blessings  upon  the  devoted  head 
of  the  driver,  that  I will  omit  any  further  account  of 
that  little  episode  as  not  pertinent  to  the  subject. 

The  shining  hours  of  evening  were  principally  em- 
ployed in  meanderings,  which  finally  brought  us  to 
Third  street,  where,  over  a store  blazing  with  light  and 
beauty,  we  read  : “The  Wonderful  St.  Bernard.” 

All  of  which  fascinated  us — the  ambiguity,  and  glare 


FIVE  DAYS  A POLITICIAN. 


31 


of  light,  and  all  that, — but  especially  the  fair  females, 
and  we  ventured  in.  Besides  two  fair  females,  who  were 


“The  wonderful  St.  Bernard.” 


the  centre  of  attraction,  was  a Watchful  Eye  in  the  shape 
of  a good  looking  young  man  whose  air  suggested  pro- 
prietorship. Peacefully  reposing  upon  the  show- 
case near  him  was  a box  of  envelopes.  One 

of  the  young  ladies  took  pity  upon  our  ignor- 
ance, and  in  a sisterly  manner  that  went  to  my 
susceptible  heart  — and  afterwards  to  the  bottom 
of  my  jiocket — elucidated  their  method  of  transacting 
business. 


32 


THAT  CONVENTION  ; OR, 


“Whose  air  suggested  proprietorship.” 


“ You  pay  twenty-five  cents,”  she  said, — and  to  make 
the  explanation  more  satisfactory  I did  sO“-“for  a chance 
to  draw  an  envelope  ” — which  I proceeded  to  draw.  Each 
envelope  contains  a card. 


THE  WONDERFUL 


Please  Examine  the  Goods  which  we 
sell  for  Ha®  HftllftS 

IN  DEPARTMENT  2. 


Front  side  of  card. 


FIVE  DAYS  A POLITICIAN. 


33 


“The  photograph  on  the  other  side  is  worth  all  the 
card  costs,  and  the  card  entitles  the  holder  to  purchase 
any  article  in  the  department  specified,  upon  payment  of 
the  small  sum  of  one  dollar.  The  higher  the  number, 
the  more  valuable  the  opportunities  for  selection — these 
are  not  prizes,  you  understand,  but  legitimate  sales — we 
do  a strictly  legitimate  business,  strictly  legitimate,  you 
understand.” 

We  understood. 

“ Thus,  for  instance ; in  Departments  12,  13,  or  14, 
you  can  buy  a gold  watch  worth  $40  or  $50,  for  one  dol- 
lar.” It  was  tempting,  to  be  sure;  so  we  invested  one 
dollar  in  envelopes,  but  to  our  surprise,  all  the  cards 
had  low  numbers. 


The  Fair  Female. 

I scratched  my  head,  and  addressed  the  smiling  young 
lady  thus:  “We  are  c delegates’  Miss  Cincinnati — we 


34 


THAT  CONVENTION  J OR, 


are.  We  came  a long  way  from  home  to  visit  your  beau- 
tiful city.  We  like  your  style  of  doing  business  here. 
In  fact,  if  we  were  not  nearly  all  married  men,  I might 
say,  we  like  you;  but  that  would  hardly  be  proper  on  so 
short  an  acquaintance.  Now  we  are  c in  shape’  to  be 
of  service  to  your  business  here,  and  if  you  will  let  us  into 
the  secret  of  drawing  high  numbers,  you  shall  be  re- 
membered by  us  when  we  get  fully  installed  in  the  ‘ Pol- 
itics business.’  In  short — sell  us  a prize.” 

She  evidently  felt  the  weight  of  my  remarks,  for  she 
whispered  in  accents  low  and  confiding,  “ ,4s  soon  as  the 
old  man  gets  out  of  the  way  I wiir — meaning,  doubtless, 
the  Watchful  Eye  that  was  constantly  upon  us. 

Soon  a gentleman  dropped  into  the  front  part  of  the 
store,  and  the  “ old  man”  left  her  side  to  wait  upon  him. 

“ Now,”  said  she,  “ buy  a dollar’s  worth.  You  will 
get  a prize”  We  made  up  a purse  of  one  dollar  between 
us,  and  were  to  draw  lots  who  should  take  the  prize. 

“I  will  draw  all  the  envelopes  from  one  place,”  said 
she,  “ and  see  what  we  will  get.”  So  from  one  corner  of 
the  box  she  drew  five  envelopes,  and  handed  them  to 
Steady  for  his  inspection: 

No.  1,  Department  3 — No  good. 

No.  2,  Department  4 — Ditto. 

No.  3,  Department  4 — Ditto. 

No.  4,  Department  9 — Fair  to  middling. 

No.  5,  Department  10 — A Gold  Watch. 

We  were  burning  with  anxiety  to  know  which  of  us 
should  become  sole  proprietor  of  the  “ gold”  watch,  and 
at  once  drew  lots.  Stavie  and  I lost,  and  Steady  bore 
his  blushing  honors  with  becoming  meekness — in  fact, 
he  rapidly  bore  them  out  of  the  store,  as  he  noticed  the 
now  disengaged  Watchful  Eye  edging  over  our  way — and 
we  all  followed,  after  making  hasty  adieux . 


FIVE  DAYS  A POLITICIAN, 


35 


We  sent  crowds  of  patrons  to  the  St.  Bernard  on  the 
strength  of  our  good  luck,  but  heard  of  no  more  “ ten 
strikes.” 

That  night,  upon  returning  to  the  hotel,  Steady  took 
pity  upon  the  Davis  Bund,  and  deposited  a valuable  col- 
lateral in  the  shape  of  an  elegant  fire-gilt  gold  watch. 


The  Watch. 


36 


THAT  CONVENTION  J OR, 


IV. 

“ Long  John/’ 

On  Tuesday  Fahrenheit  let  himself  out  in  a manner 
more  “liberal”  than  comfortable — in  fact,  it  was  hot. 
For  further  particulars,  inquire  of  any  one  who  was  pre- 
sent. 

I don’t  know  whether  Johannus  Longinus,  vulgarly 
called  “Long  John”  Wentworth,  was  roasted  out,  or 
not,  but  this  morning  was  the  first  time  I had  seen  him 
during  the  Convention. 

If  ever  the  baptismal  patronymic  of  a man  was  adorned 
with  an  appropriate  prefixatory  sobriquet,  it  is  that  of 
“Long  John.”  He  certainly  is  the  longest  man  I ever 
saw.  The  fortune  of  that  man  would  be  assured  who 
could  effect  an  arrangement  with  him  to  travel  and 
exhibit.  He  is  so  interminably,  so  everlastingly  long, 
from  his  chin  down  to  where  his  legs  leave  his  body. 
Then  his  arms  and  legs — shades  of  departed  giants  ! — 
windmills  and  circus  poles — with  ample  room  under  his 
expansive  coat-tails  for  amphitheatre,  menagerie,  side 
shows,  and  all ! 

And  that  smile!  Talk  not  to  me  of  the  Heathen 
Chinee.  Imagine  an  earthquake  upon  the  “ face  of 
nature,”  with  a yawning  gulf  splitting  it  longitudinally 
near  the  centre,  touching  his  Oriental  ear  on  the  one 
side,  and  his  Occidental  ear  upon  the  other — then  stretch 
your  imagination  to  its  utmost,  and  you  still  grope  in 


FIVE  DAYS  A POLITICIAN. 


37 


the  dark.  It  must  be  seen  to  be  appreciated.  I saw  it. 
I still  live.  Many  who  have  seen  it  are  dead. 

As  to  the  matter  of  age — who  can  fathom  hidden  mys- 
teries ? Who  knows  the  exact  longevity  of  the  Sphynx  ? 
Suffice  it  to  say,  that  he  has  lived  ten  years  longer  than  he 
looks,  and  you  may  grasp  the  infinitude  of  his  mammoth 
existence. 


' A foraging  expedition. 


But  the  crowning  wonder  concerning  this  man  is  his 
gastronomical  achievements.  I do  not  exaggerate  when 
I say,  that  to  see  him  eat — if  one  has  already  eaten,  and 
suffers  no  danger  from  loss  of  appetite — is  “ better  than 
a circus,”  or  any  other  harmless  but  ennobling  amuse- 
ment, for  which  one  may  have  a weakness.  He  treats 
his  food  as  he  does  a nomination  he  doesn’t  like — he 
“bolts”  it.  When  he  lunches  the  waiters  become  de- 
mented ; when  he  takes  a full  meal  he  throws  the 
Slaughter  of  the  Innocents  completely  in  the  shade. 
His  upper  and  nether  jaws  constitute  a huge  crushing 


38 


THAT  CONVENTION  J OR, 


machine,  the  capacity  of  which  is  only  limited  by  the 
extremest  culinary  possibilities  of  the  most  extensive 
hotel — they  part  and  meet  again  like  old  friends  from  a 


“They  part  and  meet  again  like  old  friends.” 
long  journey.  While  the  aforesaid  jaws  are  acting  well 
their  part,  those  long  arms  go  out  upon  foraging  expedi- 
tions, gathering  in  everything  within  reach.  At  this  season 
of  the  year,  his  forte  is  asparagus,  and  his  method  of 
putting  the  succulent  vegetable  out  of  the  way  is  pecu- 
liarly his  own.  Beaching  after  it  the  moment  it  touches 
the  table,  with  his  little  and  third  fingers,  he  forms  a slip 


* His  forte  is  asparagus. 


FIVE  DAYS  A POLITICIAN. 


39 


noose,  so  to  speak,  and  skilfully  gathering  the  entire  con- 
tents of  the  dish,  he  draws  this  once  through  his  mouth 
from  left  to  right,  and  there  is  nought  left  visible  to  the 
naked  eye  but  a bundle  of  big  ends  which  are  cast  aside. 
He  doesn’t  talk  while  he  eats — time  is  too  valuable,  and 
the  bill  of  fare  too  small.  He  never  sits  at  the  same 
table  but  once.  At  the  Burnet  House  he  generally  had 
a table  to  himself.  This,  the  proprietors  informed  me, 
was  the  most  successful  plan  of  supplying  him  ; besides, 
I never  saw  ony  one  who  would  eat  with  him  a second 
time. 

I had  the  audacity  to  approach  him  when  at  dinner 

one  day — “ My  name  is , Mr.  Wentworth  ; you 

introduced  yourself  to  me  one  night  at  Metropolitan 
Hall,  Chicago,  during  your  last  run  for  Congress,  against 
Farwell.  You  seemed  glad  to  see  me  then,  and  I 
recollect  to  this  day  the  grip  you  gave  me.” 

“ Yes,  yes,  I made  a good  many  acquaintances  among 
the  c Boys  ’ that  campaign,  but  somehow  they  forgot  me 
on  election  day  ; I expect  you  are  one  of  ’em — eh  ?” 

He  commenced  roaring,  and  I left.  The  introduction 
mentioned  is  worthy  of  note.  “ Long  John”  has  a way  of 
his  own  at  electioneering.  The  night  he  is  advertised  to 
speak  he  stations  himself  at  the  entrance  door  of  the 
hall,  and  grasps  by  the  hand  every  one  who  enters.  He 
has  a hand  that  is  a hand,  and  when  the  crowd  is  not 
too  great  he  has  a long  grip  not  unlike  that  of  a grizzly 
in  its  most  affectionate  mood.  He  shows  great  love  for 
the  “ Boys  ” on  all  such  occasions,  and  you  would  think 
from  his  manner  that  the  people  were  all  his  near  and 
dear  relations.  It  is  really  very  touching!  The  first 
time  I attended  a Wentworth  meeting  I submitted  to 
one  of  his  shakes.  The  second  time  I entered  the  hall 


40 


THAT  CONVENTION  J OR, 


through  the  stage  door.  A little  of  that  style  of  intro- 
ducing oneself  goes  a great  way  with  me. 


“He  commenced  roaring,  and  I left.” 

One  man  in  Chicago  says  that  “ Long  J ohn  ” has  in- 
troduced himself  to  him  some  twenty-three  times  during 
the  past  ten  years  and  yet,  strange  as  it  may  appear, 
fails  to  recognize  him  on  the  streets. 

He  generally  spends  about  four  hours  at  dinner,  sitting 
down  at  two  and  finishing  at  six.  As  he  came  out  of  the 
dining  room  Monday  evening  lie  was  accosted  by  Colonel 
Campbell,  of  Kane  County,  thus  : 

“ Mr.  Wentworth,  the  delegation  from  Louisiana  has 
just  arrived.  Would  it  not  be  well  for  us  to  go  down 
and  welcome  them  ?” 

“Welcome  h 1!”  roared  the  amiable  gentleman 

from  Illinois,  “ they  are  all  a set  of  d n thieves  and 

I suppose  you  are  one  of  them — eh  ?” 

Colonel  Campbell  was  dumfounded  and  he  immediately 


FIVE  DAYS  A POLITICIAN. 


41 


commenced  bristling  up  for  a fight  ; but  some  of  the 
friends  of  both  parties  rushed  in  and  parted  them.  Now 
“Long  John’s”  body — head,  legs,  arms,  fingers, — in 
fact,  each  longitudinal  section  of  his  corporosity,  is 
extremely  lengthy,  but  on  this  occasion  his  memory, 
eyesight  and  manner,  were  sufficiently  short,  for  he  has 
known  Col.  Campbell  perfectly  well  for  years. 


42 


THAT  CONVENTION  J OR. 


V. 

“ The  Man  of  Destiny.” 


“George  Francis  Train,  N.  P.A.” 

From  the  sublimity  of  physical  proportions  to  the  pro- 
fessionally ridiculous  is  but  a step — which  brings  me  to 
N.  P.  A.,  which  really  means,  “ Never  to  be  President  of 
America,”  but  is  interpreted  by  the  champion  joker  of 
the  United  States  to  mean,  “ Next  President  of  America.” 


FIVE  DAYS  A POLITICIAN. 


43 


Prominent  among  the  crowd  at  the  Burnet  House,  as 
he  is  conspicuous  in  every  gathering  of  men,  George 
Francis  Train,  with  his  defiant,  aggressive  manner,  that 
always  reminds  me  of 

“ The  boy  stood  on  the  burning  deck,” 
was  the  observed  of  all  observers.  Say  or  think  what 
you  please  of  Train’s  speeches,  or  course  in  life,  socially 
he  is  one  of  the  most  genial  and  pleasant  companions  in 
the  world.  Quick  to  catch  a joke,  brilliant  at  repartee , 
always  the  same,  he  leaves  nothing  but  pleasant  memo- 
ries wherever  he  goes.  To  all  those  who  vote  him  crazy, 
or  a fool,  I would  advise  that  they  do  not  tackle  him  in 
one  of  his  “ Presidential  Mass  Meetings,”  or  on  the  cars 
— or  anywhere  else  in  public.  There  is  such  “method  in 
his  madness,”  that  his  answers  to  all  such  cut  like  a 
knife. 

“ This  Convention  is  your  hope,  is  it  not  ?”  I inquired 
of  him,  early  in  the  week. 

“Oh,  no;”  said  he,  “how  could  you  expect  such  a 
crowd  as  this  to  nominate  a decent  man  for  President  ?” 

“ Does  George  Francis  Train  ever  really  expect  to  be 
President  of  the  United  States  ?”  some  one  inquires. 

Two  years  ago  I had  the  pleasure  of  meeting  him  at 
that  hotel  in  Omaha  which  he  built  in  sixty  days.  I 
ventured  to  inquire  of  him  his  object  in  nominating  him- 
self for  the  N.  P.  A.,  and  he  frankly  answered  that  it 
was  “ simply  an  advertising  dodge.”  Said  he,  “ When  I 
lecture  upon  a scientific  subject,  no  matter  how  learned 
or  instructive,  I am  voted  a bore  by  three-fourths  of  my 
audience,  and  they  go  away  dissatisfied.  But  just  as 
soon  as  I begin  to  talk  about  ‘ Train,’  they  all  laugh, 
are  happy,  and  pronounce  me  a success.  Now,  you 
know,  it  makes  no  difference  to  me  what  I talk  about. 


44 


THAT  CONVENTION  ; OR, 


The  crowd  is  what  I want,  and  I give  them  just  what 
suits  them  best.” 

As  a per  contra  to  this,  several  other  gentlemen  being 
present,  and  at  the  interview  mentioned,  he  said,  “ I am 
just  as  sure  to  be  next  President  as  the  sun  is  to  rise 
to-morrow  !”  I have  an  indistinct  recollection  of  a 
man  who  told  a lie,  and  knew  it  was  a monstrous 
lie  when  he  told  it.  But  he  told  it  so  often  and 
so  long,  that  at  last  persistency  conquered,  and  he 
entertained  no  doubt  as  to  the  entire  veracity  of  his 
story.  “ You  pays  your  money  and  takes  your 
choice;”  but  rest  assured  that  if  you,  or  any  other  man, 
should  innocently  vote  for  the  redoubtable  individual,  he, 
more  than  any  one  else,  will  laugh  at  the  credulity  of  his 
victims;  as  did  a certain  Sol.  Smith,  whom  I once  knew 
in  Ohio.  Sol.  had  what  he  contended  was  a recipe  for 
making  “cold  solder.”  For  years  he  preached  up  the 
virtues  of  his  solder  to  the  good  people  of  my  native 
town.  But,  as  he  was  addicted  to  the  cups,  and  habitu- 
ally intoxicated,  no  one  seemed  disposed  to  purchase. 
Finally,  after  long  persuading,  he  succeeded  in  selling 
his  recipe  to  an  honest  old  merchant  of  the  town  for  a 
jug  of  “groceries,”  and  went  home  happy.  A few  days 
after  this  the  purchaser  called  Sol.  into  his  store  and 
upbraided  him  in  the  most  unequivocal  terms  for  cheat- 
ing him  so  badly  with  his  cold  solder  recipe.  “It  is  ab- 
solutely worthless,”  said  he — “ perfectly  useless,  sir!  and 
I demand  a return  of  my  ‘ groceries/  sir,  or  I will  have 
you  arrested  at  once  for  swindling !” 

Sol.  kindly  allowed  him  to  finish  his  tirade,  and  then 
coolly  asked,  “How  do  you  know  the  recipe  is  worth- 
less r 

“ How  do  I know  it,  sir  ? Why,  I have  tried  it  ?” 


FIVE  DAYS  A POLITICIAN. 


45 


“ How  often  ?”  continued  Sol. 

“ Why,  a dozen  times,  and  I know  that  it  is  a cheat 
and  a fraud !” 

“Well/’  said  Sol.,  you  are  a d -n  sight  bigger  fool 

than  I supposed  you  were,  for  I never  did  /” 

Train  frequently  showed  himself  among  the  throngs 
that  congregated  in  the  corridors  of  the  Burnet  House. 
His  appearance  was  always  the  signal  for  the  gathering 
of  a tumultuous  crowd,  anxious  to  hear  his  satirical 
comments  on  the  Convention,  which  were  taken  good 
humoredly  by  all  parties.  Train  is  always  the  gentleman 
and  in  return  is  usually  treated  as  such.  One  exception, 
however,  is  worthy  of  mention  from  the  overwhelming 
rebuke  it  received.  A swelling,  blustering  fellow,  push- 
ing his  way  into  the  centre  of  a circle  listening  to  the 
great  Irish  champion,  rudely  and  abruptly  accosted  him. 

“ Train  ! you  are  a G — d d — n fool , that’s  what  I think 
of  you.  No  one  but  a perfect  ass  would  go  around  ex- 
hibiting himself  like  a monkey,  for  pay,  as  you  do” — and 
more  to  the  same  effect. 

Train  listened  quietly  until  the  fellow  had  exhausted 
his  Billingsgate.  “.If  you  are  through,”  said  he,  “ please 
tell  me  where  you  are  from  ?” 

“ I live,  sir,  at  No.  26, street,  London,  England.” 

“I  thought  so,”  said  Train.  “Gentlemen,” — turning 

to  the  crowd— “ street,  London,  is  notorious  over 

all  Europe  as  the  home  of  all  the  worst  thieves,  pick- 
pockets, pimps  and  jail  birds  in  the  world.”  . 

The  roar  of  the  crowd  drowned  his  words  for  a few 
minutes,  but  Train  went  on,  mercilessly  flaying  the  poor 
cockney,  till  cockney  could  stand  it  no  longer,  but  cried 
out,  “ I was  only  fooling  ; I was  born  and  brought  up 
here  in  Cincinnati.” 


46 


THAT  CONVENTION  ; OR, 


He  gave  the  last  word  a peculiar  foreign  pronunciation 
and  Train,  repeating  it  in  imitation,  exclaimed  “ ‘ Seense- 
nattee  !*  that  word  proves  you  a liar.  No  man  brought 
up  in  Cincinnatti  ever  pronounced  his  home  “ Seensenat - 

tee:  ” 

Under  cover  of  the  uproar,  caused  by  this  hit,  our 
cockney  disappeared. 


The  man  who  got  a joke  on  Train. 


FIVE  DAYS  A POLITICIAN. 


47 


VI. 

“ Give  Me  a Handkerchief  !” 

I think  I previously  remarked  that  the  weather  on 
Tuesday  was  hot.  If  I am  mistaken,  I wish  now  to  make 
a metereological  memorandum  to  that  effect.  After 
breakfast  we  felt  limp,  and  by  noon  we  wilted,  and  were 
soon  glad  to  indulge  in  the  somewhat  doubtful  luxury 
of  a climb  to  No.  237,  for  the  sake  of  obtaining  a small 
dose  of  “ tired  nature’s  sweet  restorer.”  When  I say 
£‘we,”  in  this  instance,  count  Stavie  out,  for  he  had  been 
missing  since  shortly  after  breakfast.  Steady  and 
myself  had  hardly  composed  our  weary  limbs  and  per- 
turbed spirits  for  the  coveted  nap,  ere  the  truant  came 
“staving”  into  the  room,  breathless,  hatless,  reeking 
with  perspiration,  through  which  an  expression  of 
countenance  was  visible  that  brought  us  at  once  to  a 
sitting  posture. 

“ What,  in  Heaven’s  name,  can  be  the  matter?”  Steady 
and  I ejaculated  in  chorus.  “You  look  as  though  you 
had  been  visited  by  all  the  candidates  in  the  list,  from 
Train  to  Anthony,  or  interviewed  by  the  hotel  proprie- 
tors concerning  that  watch,”  I added. 

Without  heeding  the  irrevelence  of  my  remark,  Stavie 
dropped  into  a chair.  “Matter!”  cried  he,  catching  his 
breath  ; “ Matter  ! — matter  enough  ! I was  placidly  r>ur- 


48- 


THAT  CONVENTION  ; OR,  - 


suing  my  way  along  the  north  side  of  the  square 
skirting  the  Davison  fountain,  utterly  oblivious  of  the 
thronging  multitude,  when  I discovered — ” 

“ That  you  had  lost  something  ?”  interrupted  Steady. 


“The  truant  came  ‘staving’  into  the  room.” 

— “ In  a low,  unpretending  fancy  store— { my  beating- 
heart  lie  still!’ — the  woman  of  my  dreams.  I have 
traveled  this  wide  world  all  over — I’ve  seen  the  fairest 
of  the  fair,  the  pearl  of  the  harem,  the  lustrous-eyed 
Spanish,  the  beauty  of  all  nations — but,  hang  it  all — she 
knocks  the  spots  out  of  anything  I ever  tumbled  on  to  !” 
“ Did  you  follow  her — did  you  lose  sight  of  her  ?”  we 
eagerly  asked. 

“ No  ; she  was  behind  the  counter.” 

“ A shop  girl  I”  I scornfully  exclaimed. 


TIVE  DAYS  A POLITICIAN. 


49 


“ The  woman  of  my  dreams.” 

“ St.  Bernard,”  slyly  suggested  Steady. 

I was  done. 

“ Stavie,”  said  Steady,  “ I am  astonished  at  you.  You 
must  be  ‘ a little  out.’  ” 

“ I am,”  said  Stavie,  wofully  ; “ three  dollars  and 
forty-five  cents.” 

“ This  is  too  serious  a subject  to  joke  about,”  con- 
tinued Steady.  “ I thought  you  came  here  to  work  for 
Davis.  How  are  you  fulfilling  your  great  mission  ?” 

“ I know  I did,  but  I came — I saw  that  face — I was 
conquered.  I was  doing  what  I could,  but  that  is  all 
over.  I am  sorry  I ever  went  into  the  politics  business, 
and  unless  you  immediately  accept  my  resignation  I 
shall  drown  myself  in  the  turbid  Ohio.” 

After  a pause  he  continued,  “ Come  with  me — c come 
where  my  love  lies  dreaming,’  and  then  you  can  under- 
stand what  you  now  consider  my  senseless  infatuation.” 


50 


THAT  CONVENTION  J OR, 


To  this  we  finally  consented,  and  with  a sigh  relin- 
quishing all  prospects  of  the  coveted  siesta , we  meekly 
followed  in  the  wake  of  Stavie  who  sped  impetuously 
down  the  stairs,  and  like  a honey  bee  bound  for  its 
storehouse  of  sweets,  took  as  straightforward  a line  for 
his  objective  point  as  the  streets  of  the  city  would 
allow. 

“ I’ll  tell  you  boys,”  said  he,  as  he  walked  along,  some- 
thing of  his  wonted  jocularity  having  returned,  “ When 
I finally  entered  the  portal  that  leads  to  the  princess, 
I was  dazzled  by  the  efulgence  of  her  ineffable  beauty. 
I paid  mute  homage  at  the  shrine  before  me.  In  fact, 
I stood  there  like  a ‘dumb  fool’  so  long,  that  in  the 
most  dulcet  tones  she  inquired,  while  every  fibre  of  my 
being  thrilled  as  she  addressed  me — ‘ How  can  I have 
the  pleasure  of  serving  you,  sir  ?’ 


“Give  me  a handkerchief!’ 


FIVE  DAYS  A POLITICIAN. 


51 


Give  me  a handkerchief  V I managed  to  say,  and 
immediately  felicitated  myself  on  the  lucky  accident 
of  speech  upon  which  I had  stumbled.  It  was  a 
merciful  Providence  that  kept  me  from  calling  for  a 
jack-knife,  a keg  of  nails,  a glass  of  beer,  or  a 
skeleton  skirt.  But  I had  made  a hit.  I knew  her  lily 
hands  would  impart  a perfume  above  all  price,  and  that 
it  would  reach  my  lips — and  my  dripping  brow — before 
the  odor  should  have  fled.  * What  price  would  you  like, 
sir  ?*  * Price  !*  I exclaimed.  Then,  in  a tone  that  I have 
learned  to  draw  from  my  very  sole,  so  deep  and  pas- 
sionate, is  it,  bending  my  head  till  it  almost  touched  her 
wealth  of  curls,  I added,  ‘ I have  not  the  heart  to  name 
the  price.  Will  you  oblige  me  by  making  the  selection  V 
She  did  so.  I handed  her  a bill.  I think  I forgot  the 
change.  I don’t  know  as  there  was  any.  I only  know 
I rushed  off  madly  mopping  my  face — so  far  as  anyone 
could  see  ; in  reality,  I was  wildly  kissing  the  treasure 
those  dear  hands  had  given  me — for  $5.  Hold  !” 

We  were  now  in  front  of  the  little  fancy  store,  and 
while  Steady  and  I were  prospecting,  we  noticed  Stavie 
pretendedly  engaged  in  mopping  his  face  ; we  knew  that 
he  was  assiduously  engaged  in  kissing  the  costly  rag. 

By  a strategic  movement,  on  the  part  of  myself,  the 
over-curious  Steady  suddenly  found  himself  vis-a-vis 
with  the  fair  charmer  inside,  while  Stavie  continued  his 
little  joke  with  the  handkerchief,  and  I held  myself  in 
reserve. 

Directly  Steady  came  out.  “ Isn't  she  splendid , boys!” 
exclaimed  this  amorous  politician,  entirely  forgetting  the 
woman  who  bears  his  name,  and  the  heart  that  beats 
alone  for  him. 

“ What  did  you  buy?”  I asked. 


52 


THAT  CONVENTION  J OH, 


“ A handkerchief.” 

“ Did  you  get  your  change  ?” 

“ Change  ? No.  I never  thought  of  it.  How  could 
I take  change  from  her  ?” 

I didn’t  know.  But  I thought  I needed  a handker- 
chief. Besides,  it  was  my  turn,  and  candor  compels*  me 
to  record,  that,  spite  of  a loving  wife  and  a trio  of 

cherubs  at  home — I bought  a handkerchief and 

I forgot  my  change.  I knew  how  it  was  myself. 

We  thoughtfully  wended  our  way  to  the  Burnet,  but 
from  that  hour  Stavie  was  lost  to  the  Davis’  interest, 
and  in  Steady  a changed  manner,  a melancholy  as 
pensive  as  it  was  becoming,  might  have  been  marked. 

I was  pained  at  their  infatuation.  I had  reason  to  be, 
for  it  was  contagious. 

But  Stavie  was  not  a whit  selfish.  He  generously  in- 
formed everyone  where  to  go  for  handkerchiefs.  It  got 


‘ ■ An  interminable  crowd  was  taking  turns.  ” 


FIVE  DAYS  A POLITICIAN. 


53 


out  among  the  delegates — and  to  some  of  them  the  in- 
formation was  invaluable ! He  told  them  that  a much 
greater  than  either  a National  Convention  or  a Presi- 
dential Candidate  was  at  No.  10,  Fifth  street,  and  by 
nightfall  as  we  passed  that  way,  an  interminable  crowd 
was  taking  turns  at  buying  handkerchiefs  of  our  fair 
charmer.  Neighboring  shop-keepers  thought  “that  • 
Convention”  had  adjourned  to  the  fancy  store. 

As  I saw  the  throng  of  men,  all  eager  for  an  audience, 
men  with  wives  and  small  children,  my  heart  ached.  I 
thought  of  an  immortal  tragedy  in  Algiers,  in  which  a 
handkerchief  played  so  important  a part.  (My  attention 
was  again  somewhat  unexpectly  called  to  the  same  sub- 
ject, when,  upon  returning  home,  my  wife  found  un- 
counted dozens  of  the  tell-tale  rags  in  my  baggage, 
which  I had  forgotten  to  leave  at  Cincinnati.) 


54 


THAT  CONVENTION  ; OR, 


vn. 

The  First  Gun — And  The  First  Campaign  Song. 

Tuesday  night  the  “Illinois  Boys”  (some  500),  met 
at  Mozart  Hall  to  arrange  for  the  morrow,  when  the 
nominating  Convention  was  to  open.  The  Davis  crowd 
largely  outnumbered  all  the  balance.  In  fact,  in  point 
of  numbers  they  were  as  a mountain  to  a mole  hill,  in 
comparison  with  the  Adams,  Trumbull  and  Palmer 
interest  ; but  as  they  could  afford  to  be  magnanimous 
they  decided  to  divide  the  42  Illinois  votes  in  Conven- 
tion, giving  21  to  Davis,  10^  to  Trumbull,  and  10^  to 
Palmer,  supposing  that  after  the  first  ballot  the  weaker 
candidates  would  vote  for  Davis.  This  meeting  was 
decidedly  amusing.  Mr.  Fell,  from  McLean  county,  was 
elected  Chairman,  and  on  taking  his  seat  he  politely 
invited  all  the  Democrats  present  to  retire,  and  “ wished 
it  distinctly  understood  that  this  is  a Republican  meet- 
ing and  if  it  became  necessary  to  take  a full  vote  he 
did  not  want  the  fact  to  go  abroad  that  there  were’  any 
Democratic  votes  cast.  I noticed  my  friend,  the  mem- 
ber of  the  State  Democratic  Central  Committee,  prompt- 
ly retire,  followed  by  other  prominent  Democratic  gentle- 
men. Then  came  up  the  question  of  representation. 

Whereupon  Colonel  Hough,  a well-known  politician 
and  wealthy  Chicago  gentleman,  arose  to  address  the 
meeting.  To  use  a phrase  more  expressive  than  elegant, 


FIVE  DAYS  A POLITICIAN. 


55 


the  Colonel  is  “a  brick.”  Physically,  he  is  possessed  of 
great  strength,  which  is  fitly  complemented  by  more  than 
ordinary  mental  calibre.  But  he  was  not  the  kind  of  a 
man  the  wire-pullers  wanted  to  hear  from,  for  he  abused 
several  of  them  who  stood  on  the  platform  most  unmer- 
cifully— Dexter,  Fairbanks,  and  others.  Then  the  “Boys” 
hissed;  then  they  groaned  and  stamped  their  feet  to 
drown  him  out.  Then  one  after  another  of  the  leaders 
came  to  him,  and  begged  the  old  gentleman  to  desist, 
but  all  to  no  effect.  He  was  bound  to  speak  his  piece. 
When  the  noise  drowned  his  voice  entirely  he  would 
quietly  fold  his  arms  and  wait  until  the  “ Boys”  were  tired 
out.  Then  he  would  fire  his  oratorical  grape  and  shell 
into  them  again.  Then  the  “Boys,”  would  resume.  But 
the  Colonel  could  not  be  cried  down.  The  Chair  decided 
once  or  twice  that  he  would  uphold  the  right  of  free 
speech.  So  the  leaders  and  “ Boys”  were  at  last  obliged 
to  listen  to  his  homely  truths,  no  matter  how  near  they 
struck  home.  After  the  storm  had  raged  for  nearly  an 
hour,  the  Chair  very  politely  requested  the  Colonel  to 
allow  the  meeting  to  vote  on  the  delegation  question; 
after  which,  if  he  so  desired,  they  would  listen  to  him 
further.  Whereupon  he  subsided,  after  offering  to  bet 
then  and  there,  $10,000  in  good  and  lawful  money  that, 
no  matter  who  was  nominated  at  “ that  Convention,”  he 
would  never  be  elected.  There  were  no  takers. 

Then  “Long  John”  arose,  towering  far  above  the 
heads  of  the  balance  of  the  “ Boys,”  and  wished  before 
the  meeting  adjourned  to  say  a few  words: 

“ I come  before  you,  my  boys,”  said  he,  “ all  scarred 
with  political  wounds.  I am  not  afraid  of  defeat.  For 
the  future  I am  with  you.  My  heart  is  with  you.  (Here 
his  long  right  arm  wandered  from  its  resting-place, 


5G 


THAT  CONVENTION  ; OR, 


adown  his  side,  smiting  what  I thought  was  7iot  the 
quarter-section  of  his  anatomy  overlying  the  heart — but 
perhaps  it  was.)  “Now,  my  Democratic  boys,  don’t  go. 
We  want  you  here.  We  want  your  votes,  too.  (Of 


‘ ‘ My  heart  is  with  you.  ” 

course  they  did.)  We  will  treat  you  magnanimously. 
Boys,  don’t  do  as  the  Chairman  advised,  but  stay,  boys, 
stay.” 

By  this  time  I suppose  the  Democratic  “ Boys”  who  had 
remained  were  in  a quandary  as  to  what  course  to  pur- 
sue, and  soon  after  the  meeting  adjourned.  This  meet- 
ing fully  showed  the  immense  strength  of  the  Chicago 
Tribune’s  influence — 10|  votes  out  of  42  was  all  it  could 
muster  for  its  pet  candidate  Trumbull,  and  this  too  after 
it  had  been  trying  for  months  to  educate  the  public 
mind.  Horace  the  Little  looked  unwell.  The  Davis 
mountain  was  too  much  for  him  : he  felt  it  then,  and  it 
crushed  him  completely  when  Horace  the  Greater  was 
nominated. 

After  adjournment  the  “Boys”  went  their  ways. 
The  beer  gardens  came  in  for  their  share  of  the  Davis 


FIVE  DAYS  A POLITICIAN. 


57 


Fund.  Our  party  retired  to  a quiet  garden  to  discuss 
the  evening’s  fun  over  a glass  of  lager. 

"We  could  hear  the  Davis  Boys  in  an  adjoining  garden 


“We  struck  up.” 


chuckling  over  their  prospective  success,  and  in  order  to 
ascertain  how  they  felt  we  struck  up,  to  the  good  old 
tune  of  “ Saw  my  leg  off 


Catching  the  inspiring  strain,  they  sang  back  : 
“We  have  cut  him, 

We  have  cut  him. 

We  have  cut  him — 

Cut  him  shobt! 

“ Al-so  Ad-ams ! 

Dit-to  Trum  bull ! 

Dit-to  Palm-er ! — 

Also  all  ! 


58 


THAT  CONVENTION  ; OR, 


“ ’Cause  why  ?”  we  shouted. 

Then,  in  a stronger  and  fuller  chorus,  they  sang  out  : 
“ Da-vis  lag-er, 

Da- vis  lag-er, 

Lag-er  costs  ns- 
Costs  us  nix!  ” 

and  more  to  the  same  effect. 


“Sharp  and  quick.” 


The  style  of  the  song  struck  me  as  especially  appro- 
priate for  campaign  purposes,  and  I hope  our  good 
Methodist  friends  will  not  consider  its  adaptation  for 
political  purposes  more  sacreligious  than  is  their  own 
appropriation  for  prayer-meeting  use  of  “ John  Brown’s 
Body/’  “ Lily  Dale,”  and  other  recent  and  popular 
airs. 

To  produce  an  effect  in  the  artistic  rendition  of  the 
difficult  classical  music  which  is  given,  the  action  should 
be  sharp  and  quick,  the  singer  biting  off  the  last  word 
with  a snap — or  speaking  somewhat  as  though  some,  one 
had  suddenly  intruded  upon  the  sacred  privacy  of  your 
pet  corn,  for  instance. 


FIVE  DAYS  A POLITICIAN. 


59 


But  for  tbe  Divine  Inflatus  which  inspired  the  poetic 
words  of  the  song,  one  must  patronize  Gambrinus,  as  we 
did.  Otherwise,  imitators  can  hardly  hope  to  gain  the 
Promethean  heights  attained  by  our  happy  crowd  upon 
that  eventful  Tuesday  night. 


60 


THAT  CONVENTION  ; OR, 


VIII. 

The  Keal  Thing  at  Last. 

After  “ whipping  the  devil  around  the  stump  ” for 
two  days,  I finally  was  forced  to  succumb  to  the  logic  of 
events.  I had  sounded  the  heights  and  depths  of 
Young  Sin-so-natty  and  Old  Sin-so-naughty.  I had 
ridden  around  ; I had  “ done  ” the  St.  Bernard,  while, 
in  turn,  the  handkerchief  girl  had  un-done  me  ; I had 
interviewed  the  notables  from  near  and  far,  and  found 
the  latter  method  the  most  desirable  to  me,  as  it  doubt- 
less was  to  them.  In  fact,  I had  been  fighting  fate.  I 
might  ease  my  conscience  as  regards  complicity  in  spend- 
ing the  Davis  Fund,  upon  the  ground  that  I was  not  a 
sinner  above  hundreds  of  others  ; but  how  could  I go 
home  from  Cincinnati  and  say,  “ I hadn’t  been  in  that 
Convention  ?” 

I surrendered  to  a force  of  circumstances  over  which 
I had  no  adequate  control,  and  trusted  to  luck  for  the 
result. 

And  now  that  I have  got  fairly  pinned  down — as  a bug 
collector  would  say,  or  “ committed,”  as  the  politicians 
would  have  it — I am  forcibly  reminded  that  one  queer 
feature  of  “ that  Convention”  was  the  comparative  size 
of  the  drinks  taken  by  delegates  from  different  parts  of 
the  country.  I had  been  told  before  that  the  politiciims 
of  Louisiana  and  Texas  took  about  one-tenth  the  quan- 


FIVE  DAYS  A POLITICIAN. 


61 


tity  that  the  politicians  of  Illinois  or  Wisconsin  did.  So 
here  was  my  opportunity.  The  Burnet  House  bar  is  a 
capacious  room,  located  in  the  basement,  and  was  liber- 
ally patronized  by  delegates  after  adjournment. 

And  there  I stationed  myself,  not  for  the  purpose  of 
being  asked  up  to  drink,  for  I had  a bed-fellow 
who  shall  be  nameless  in  this  connection —no  matter 
how  frequently  mentioned  elsewhere — who  was  one  of 
the  cashiers  of  the  Davis  Fund,  and  he  was  the  most 
liberal  fellow — with  other  people’s  money — that  you  ever 
saw.  But  drinking  is  not  a forte  of  mine,  however. 

Well,  I did  not  have  to  wait  long,  for  if  there  is  any 
one  place  at  a Convention  more  noisy  than  another  it  is 
the  bar-room.  I noticed  a number  of  Louisiana  dele- 
gates approach  and  drink.  They  certainly  did  not  take 
more  than  a good-sized  tumbler  full.  Then  each  set 
down  his  glass  and  departed.  They  were  natives,  and 
“to  the  manner  born”  — not  “ Carpet-Baggers .”  Then 
came  up  Mississippi  ; she  took  a little  more.  Soon  I 
noticed  Tennessee,  she  saw  Louisiana,  and  went  her 
“ one  better.”  Kentucky  took  a little  more.  Ohio  and 
Indiana  were  soon  represented  ; and  at  this  point  I saw 
what,  in  my  innocence,  I supposed  to  be  a “ square 
drink.”  Then  “the  most  prominent  man  in  ‘that  Con- 
vention’” walked  up  and  ordered  his  poison  like  a little 
man.  But  I noticed  a commotion  behind  the  bar  when 
this  individual  appeared.  “Long  John”  was  “ one  too 
many  ” for  them. 

Upon  subsequent  inquiry,  I learned  that  only  the  day 
before  one  of  the  bar-tenders  was  discharged  for  allowing 
him  to  empty  the  bottle  at  one  drink.  This  time  the 
proprietor  waited  upon  him.  He  did  not  wish  to  appear 
frightened,  I suppose,  but  he  kept  up  a reluctant  fum- 


62 


THAT  CONVENTION  ; OR, 


bling  about  the  bottles  before  making  the  right  selec- 
tion. The  “ Hon.”  gentleman  from  Illinois  emptied  its 
entire  coutents  (it  was  not  quite  full),  laid  down  the 
change  for  one  drink,  and  departed.  The  bar-keeper 
dolefully  remarked,  as  the  last  rod  of  “ Long  John  ” dis- 
appeared from  the  room  : “ Well,  if  all  my  customers 
drank  like  that  man,  I’d  be  a bankrupt  in  a fortnight. 
One  of  his  drinks  would  supply  the  whole  of  the  Mis- 
sissippi delegation  for  a week.” 


An  interesting  study. 

Another  feature  of  “ that  Convention,”  to  which,  I 
believe,  I have  previously  alluded,  which  was  as  remark- 
able as  it  was  popular,  was  the  seemingly  inexhaustible 
Davis  Fund. 

As  to  the  truth  of  the  assertion  that  Judge  Davis 
gave  his  check  for  $75,000,  I am  unable  to  vouch,  but  of 
one  thing  I am  certain,  there  was  no  limit  to  the  ex- 
penditure of  his  money  while  the  Convention  lasted. 

Gen.  Harlan,  —Gov.  Palmer’s  private  secretary — told 


FIVE  DAYS  A POLITICIAN. 


63 


me  that  his  crowd  was  completely  demoralized  by  the 
Davis  “Boys/5  and  the  appropriation  at  his  command 
was  as  the  widows’  mite  in  comparison  to  the  Davis 
Fund.  During  Tuesday  and  Wednesday  whole  train- 
loads arrived  from  Illinois,  travelling  upon  passes  ; and 
out  of  some  three  hundred  and  fifty  from  Bloomington 
alone,  there  were  two  score,  or  more,  of  men,  who,  a 
prominent  railroad  contractor  informed  me,  had  driven 
spikes  for  him  a short  time  before.  In  short,  the  Davis 
Fund  was  a most  benificent  arrangement,  affording  a 
pleasant  excursion  for  the  laboring  poor,  clothes  for 
those  who  needed  them,  payed  hotel  bills,  bought 
presents  for  the  loved  ones  at  home,  and  was  “ shelled 
out  ” without  stint  to  any  one  who  would  work  for 
Davis.  The  sequel  showed  that  if  money  is  a power,  it 
isn’t  always  supreme,  and  cannot  be  counted  on  to 
insure  a nomination. 

On  Wednesday  the  ball  was  fairly  opened,  and  “that 
Convention  ” of  self-selected,  self-asserting,  and  self- 
sufficient  politicians,  succeeded  in  effecting  a temporary 
organization.  “ Exposition  Hall  ” was  an  eminently  ap- 
propriate place  for  such  a mongrel  assemblage.  I was 
well  supplied  with  tickets. 

I not  only  had  a member’s  ticket,  (a  fac  simile  of  which 
my  printer  has  now  made  immortal,)  but  also  a “press 
ticket,” — which  was  yellow,  and  suggested  the  small-pox 
cards  of  Chicago, — which  are  also  of  the  same  color,— 
which  was  certainly  apropos , for  the  Convention  originally 
“ broke  out  ” among  the  newspaper  men,  and  to  a 
certain  limited  extent  its  ravages  were  fearful. 

If  I dared,  I would  “ let  on  ” how  that  press  ticket  of 
mine  did  double  duty — how  I would  first  pass  in  myself, 
and  then  slip  it  through  the  fence  for  a friend  to  use, 


64 


THAT  CONVENTION  J OR, 


and  how  it  got  ns  seats  upon  the  platform  with  the 
“ great  guns  ” of  the  affair,  and  all  that.  But  this  por- 
tion I have  decided  to  carefully  suppress,  as  I may  wish 
to  repeat  the  operation  at  some  future  time. 

One  of  the  first  things  that  attracted  my  attention, 
after  getting  comfortably  upon  the  grand  stand,  was  the 
effigy  of  the  omni-present  Goddess  of  Liberty,  surround- 
ed with  a luxurious  growth  of  India-rubber  plants ! I 
can’t  say  that  those  who  decorated  the  hall  intended  it 
as  a joke,  but  the  elasticity  with  which  this  female  plays 
an  important  part  in  political  gatherings  of  every  shade 
and  complexion  of  opinion,  however  opposite  the  prin- 
ciples of  each,  seemed  to  be  keenly  caricatured  by  the 
arrangement  referred  to. 

But  I digress.  As  we  sat  at  dinner  on  Wednesday, 
one  of  the  New  York  delegates  took  a seat  opposite,  and 
called  a waiter.  “ What  have  you  got  for  {hie  ) dinner, 
John  r 

“ Here  is  a Bill  of  Fare,  sir,”  said  John. 


THE  ELASTIC  GODDESS. 


FIVE  DAYS  A POLITICIAN. 


67 


“How  that  press  ticket  of  mine  did  double  duty.” 


“ Bill  o’  what,  John  ? Aint  you  got  any  illustrated 
cards,  (hie)  John  ?” 

“ Don’t  know  nuffiin’  ’bout  no  sich,  Sah ! ” 

“ Pert’  fellow,  ( hie ) you,  (hie)  John  ! Don’t  know 
what  a ’lustrated  (hie)  bill,  is  ? Why,  they  are  all  the  go 
in  New  York,  John  ; just  the  thing  for  (hie)  me,  John.” 
“ Why  so,  Sah?”  asked  John. 

“Wall,  (hie,)  tell  you,  John,  I can’t  read — so  tell  me 
what  y’  got  for  dinner.” 

“We’ve  got  roast  beef,  roast  turkey,  boiled  corned 

beef,  mutton,  fish,  soup,  ” 

“ Hold  on  h Hold  on  (hie)  John.  Anything — don’t 

care  what — to  beat  Grant . Bring  me  anything,  John  (hie),  to 
beat  Grant  /” 


68 


THAT  CONVENTION  ; OR, 


After  the  arduous  duties  of  opening  the  Convention, 
we  remained  long  at  table,  and  wishing  to  feel  the  negro 
pulse  relative  to  the  live  political  issues  of  the  day  pro- 
ceeded to  formally  interview  William,  our  colored  boy. 

We  opened  our  conversation  in  the  following  cautious 
manner  : 

“ Well,  William,  what  do  you  think  of  all  this  fuss,  and 
who  are  you  for  ?” 


“I’sefor  de  man  dat  settles  de  soda-water  question.” 


“ Tell  you,  Sah.  Fse  for  de  man  dat  settles  de  soda- 
water  question,”  responded  our  sable  friend. 

“ What  soda-water  question?”  we  inquired. 

“ Why,  I tell  you  gemmen  delegates,”  said  the  boy. 
“ Few  days  ’go  my  old  chummy  and  me  cum  up  frum 
Natchez,  an'  I asked  Jake  (dat’s  de  feller  what  was  wid 
me,  Sah,)  for  to  take  sumpin,  and  we  hit  on. soda,  Sah ! 
We  walked  into  a Big-Bug  soda-water  shop,  laid  down 
de  tin,  and  sequestrated  de  gemmen  behind  de  bar  to 


FIVE  DAYS  A POLITICIAN. 


69 


fotch  us  out  two  drinks  of  de  sweetened  wind.  What 
d’ye  ’spose  dey  told  Jake  and  me,  Sail  ?” 

We  signified  our  inability  to  even  surmise,  whereupon 
William  continued  : 

“ Why,  Sah,  de  poor  white  trash  behind  de  bar,  ’lowed 
as  how  dey  didn’t  sell  soda  to  niggers  in  dat  shanty  !” 
We  manifested  the  utmost  indignation  at  the  dis- 
courteous treatment  of  William  and  his  friend,  when 
that  gentleman  proceeded  to  enlighten  us  on  the  soda- 
water  question  still  further. 

With  that  knowing  look  so  peculiar  to  the  trans- 
planted cotton-field  darkey,  William  continued: 

“ De  berry  nex  day  arter,  I fought  I’d  try  dat  feller  of 
de  soda  shop  on,  so  Jake  and  me  took  ourselves  round  to 
de  shop  and  perlitely  made  a bequest  of  de  young  pill- 
box to  fotch  us  out  some  pisen,  and  oh ! lawdy  gemmen, 
how  dat  air  same  sawbones  as  didn’t  sell  soda  to 
niggers  fotched  out  de  pisen  and  snaked  de  stamps  frum 
de  paw  of  William  Augustus  Kobinson  (dat’s  me,  Mister 
delegates!)  Do  you  call  dat  freedom?”  said  William, 
warming  up. 

We  replied  that  we  considered  the  action  of  the 
apothecary  clerk  a piece  of  tyranny  not  even  equalled 
by  the  most  dastardly  act  ever  committed  by  the  in- 
famous Nero.  William  thereupon  answered  rather 
equivocally  the  first  question  we  put  him  in  this  manner: 
“ I votes  for  niggers  gettin  soda  at  a Big-Bug  soda- 
shop,  and  de  man  dat  settles  de  soda-water  question  is 
de  man  for  de  cullud  pussons  !” 

Stavie  inquired  of  William,  who,  in  his  opinion,  all 
the  delegates  around  “ were  goingfor.” 

“ Goin  for?”  asked  our  darkey.  “ Why  I ’spose  dey 
going  for  what  dey  been  done  goin  for  ever  since  dey 
been  ’bout  hear !” 


70 


THAT  CONVENTION  J OR. 


“ What  is  that?”  interrogated  Stavie. 

“ Good,  square  meals,  Sah!  Why,  de  troof  is,  gem- 
men,  dem  fellers  dat  dey  call  delegates  order  jis  as  if 
vittels  don’t  cost  nuffin!” 

“William,”  said  Stavie,  very  solemnly,  “Guess  you 
are  right,  my  boy ! Guess  they  don’t.  Mine  don’t,  I 
know ! Your  head  is  beyond  a doubt  level  upon  that 
point,  William.  Judge  Davis  furnishes  the  money  to 
support  this  crowd.” 

“ Who’s  he,  Sah  ?”  asked  the  boy. 

“Why,  don’t  you  know?  He’s  one  of  the  Presi- 
dential candidates,”  replied  Stavie. 

“ Must  be  a awful  big  man  to  pay  all  dem  air  bills !” 
ejaculated  William,  with  unfeigned  wonder. 

“ He  is,  William,”  said  Stavie  again  solemnly  but 
evidently  with  great  positiveness,  as  he  handed  the  boy 
his  napkin  and  left  the  table. 


FIVE  DAYS  A POLITICIAN. 


71 


IX. 

The  Women  in  “ That  Convention.” 


Col.  Susie  B.  Anthony. — Warranted  to  travel  anywhere  without 
fear  of  molestation. 

The  women — bless  their  dear  hearts! — must  not  be 
mixed  up  with  the  naughty  men,  and  I give  them  a little 
chapter  all  to  themselves,  which  for  length,  compared 
with  the  entire  book,  is  about  in  the  same  relative  pro- 


72 


THAT  CONVENTION  ; OR. 


portion  as  the  numerical  strength  developed  by  the 
“ suppressed  sex  ” at  Cincinnati,  as  compared  with  the 
entire  attendance.  Pray  don’t  misunderstand  me  when 
I say  “ numerical  strength,”  for  is  not  Susan  B.  Anthony 
as  good  as  any  ten  specimens  of  the  “ Fourteenth 
Amendment,”  or  equal  to  a thousand  white  men — in 
some  particulars  ? Can’t  she  talk  until  a congregation 
or  a Convention  resembles  a lunatic  asylum  ? And  can’t 
she  play  the  very  deuce  with  the  printers,  when  she 
commences  throwing  off  “ copy  ?”  (I  suppose  that  her 
resemblance 'to  Horace  Greeley  in  this  respect  is  what 
makes  th^m  love  each  other  so!)  Well,  she  was  there? 
and  represented  the  aggressive  female  American  brains, 
while  the  beauty  of  strong-mindedness  was  personified 
in  Bev.  Laura  de  Force  Gordon,  a properly  credentialed 
delegate- frohi  California.  But  these  sore-headed  men 
would  only  allow  them  to  serve  as  “ things  of  beauty,” 
which  was  just  what  they  didn’t  want.  They  wanted  to 
talk — but  the  men  wouldn’t  let  them,  and  under  the 
fatherly  or  brotherly  care  of  the  brilliant  but  erratic 
Theodore  Tilton,  this  champion  of  the  Coming  Woman, 
and  her  younger  confrere , the  Sun-Set  Hope  of  the 
Cause,  held  sweet  intercourse  together  in  sight  of  the 
assembled  multitudes. 

After  a while,  Miss  Gordon  became  restless  under  the 
imposed  silence,  and  addressed  the  chair.  At  first  she 
received  no  response,  but  finally,  Mr.  Schurz,  in  the  most 
polite  manner  possible,  begged  her  pardon,  but  said  that 
as  he  understood  the  action  of  the  Committee  on  Cre- 
dentials, the  ladies  were  only  extended  the  courtesy  of 
seats  upon  the  platform. 

Shortly  after  these  two  disappeared  from  my  sight. 


FIVE  DAYS  A POLITICIAN. 


73 


**  F.  G.  W.  ’s  ” Candidate. 


Perhaps  they  adjourned  to  a neighboring  suburb  and 
tried  their  hand  at  snipe-shooting,  along  with  Belmont. 


74 


THAT  CONVENTION  ; OR, 


X. 


“ The  Plot  Thickens  ” — Our  Trio  Becomes  a Quartette. 

Wednesday  night  was  rendered  memorable  by  the 
arrival  of  ‘‘Botch.” 


“ We  were  glad  to  see  Botch.” 

Botch,  you  see,  was  one  of  our  friends  who  intended 
yto  accompany  us  Sunday  evening,  but  he  had  a little 
matter  up  in  Milwaukee  to  attend  to,  so  he  was  delayed. 
He  was  appointed  “ delegate  ” from  Chicago  to  attend  a 
funeral.  This  is  a way  Chicago  has  of  attending  to  all 


FIVE  DAYS  A POLITICIAN. 


7 5 


the  funerals  in  the  small  suburbs  adjacent,  which  I 
think  is  very  kind  of  Chicago.  Botch  has  a sympathetic 
nature — can  get  out  more  tears  in  a given  time  than  any 
other  man  in  the  Garden  City.  So  he  generally  gets 
plenty  to  do  in  the  funeral  line. 

Botch  is  a good  fellow.  We  all  like  him.  He  is  also 
a man  of  letters  and  parts.  He  graduated  in  the  same 
class  with  most  all  the  prominent  men  of  the  land.  He 
is  single.  His  age  I cannot  tell.  His  life  has  been  a 
queer  one.  He  told  me  all  about  it  one  day.  After  he 
graduated  he  was  induced  to  study  Medicine.  So,  in 
good  faith,  he  commenced  and  studied  faithfully,  until 
one  day  the  fact  struck  him  that  all  the  text  books 
seemed  to  teach  one  thing  that  did  not  appear  clear  to 
him;  and  that  was,  that  all  the  remedies  that  the  books 
recommended  to  be  taken  by  the  sick,  would,  if  taken 
by  a well  person,  either  kill  or  cause  sickness.  Botch  is 
conscientious,  and  he  promptly  swore  off  from  the 
“ medicine  business.”  He  then  tried  the  Law.  Bacon, 
and  Chitty,  and  Blackstone,  he  read  until  his  eyes  were 
dim  and  he  began  to  flatter  himself  that  he  was  a 
Lawyer.  Finally,  one  forenoon  he  was  sitting  in  one  of 
the  Court-rooms  in  Illinois,  when  in  marched  Gridley, 
of  Bloomington,  (who  was  also  one  of  the  delegates  to 
the  Convention,)  carrying  a small  cart-load  o!  law  books 
under  his  arms;  and  in  his  squeaking  voice  addressed 
the  bench — “ May  it  please  your  Honor,  I would  like  to 
read  you  some  law  on  the  case  you  decided  last  nigh't.” 

“ If  the  gentleman  will  be  so  kind,  he  will  remember 
that  the  Court  has  rendered  its  decision  in  the  case  and 
there  is  no  further  need  to  cite  authorities,”  said  the 
Judge. 

“ I suppose  your  Honor  was  right,”  continued  Mr.  G., 


76 


THAT  CONVENTION  ; OR, 


but  I just  wanted  to  prove  to  you  what  d n fools  old 

Chitty  and  Bacon  were  !” 

Whereupon  Botch  quitted  the  law.  But  geniuses  are 
versatile  and  so  is  Botch.  He  and  another  graduate  were 
next  induced  to  try  the  Ice  Cream  business.  We  all 
used  to  patronize  our  collegiate  friend,  but  somehow  he 
did  not  stick  to  it — I really  do  not  know  why. 

Next  after  this,  and  shortly  after  the  Great  Fire,  some 
one  told  Botch  that  the  fire  had  destroyed  all  the  birds 
in  the  city,  and  that  there  would  be  a great  demand  for 
them  in  the  spring.  So  Botch  bought  a lot  of  wood 
land  which  was  recommended  to  him  as  being  “ good 
for  birds.”  He  provided  himself  with  a goodly  quantity 
of  salt,  and  following  the  advice  of  his  friend,  sought  to 
catch  his  birds  by  the  traditional  method  of  sprinkling 
salt  upon  their  tails  ! 

“Creep  up  to  them  carefully,”  said  that  disinterested 
friend,  and  while  their  attention  is  attracted  by  some 
other  object,  you  can  sprinkle  the  salt  upon  their  tails, 
then  they  will  turn  around  to  eat  it  and  you  can  easily 
capture  them.” 

He  followed  the  simple  directions  implicitly,  and  a few 
unsuccessful  attempts  did  not  discourage  Botch.  But 
at  last  the  horrible  fact  occurred  to  him  that  he  was 
using  an  article  on  which  a duty  was  paid.  Botch  is 
a strong  “ Free  Trader.  ” He  is  conscientious  about  this 
as  in  every  other  matter.  He  dropped  his  handful  of 
salt  and  swore — no,  vowed , for  he  doesn’t  swear,  that  he 
would  not  follow  any  business  that  in  any  way  encour- 
aged this  accursed  protective  tariff!  And  then  he  quit 
the  bird  business  and  he  has  a large  sign  on  his  wood 
land  inscribed  with  the  quaint  legend — 

“ Fos  Sale.” 


FIVE  DAYS  A POLITICIAN. 


77 


“He  followed  the  simple  directions  implicitly.” 

But  as  I remarked  before,  Botch  is  a good  fellow,  and 
we  all  like  him.  It  was  out  of  pure  affection  for  our 
versatile  friend,  entirely  unmixed  with  sinister  or  selfish 
motives,  that  Steady  appointed  Botch  a “ delegate  ” to 
“ that  Convention,”  and  set  him  up  in  the  “ politics 
business.” 

“ He  ought  to  succeed  at  that,”  said  Steady,  “ but  I 
don’t  know  ; these  thorough-bred  gentlemen  seem  to 
lack  some  essential  elements,  as  does  the  Clay  stock  of 
horses.  I like  the  self-made — those  fellows  that  grow 
from  the  ground  up  by  their  own  unaided  efforts.  There 
was  a fellow  of  that  sort  who  once  lived  in  Galena,  111., 
— saved  the  country,  you  know,  and  then  he  was  elected 
President.  He  was  not  one  of  the  “ first  families,”  but 
somehow  whatever  he  undertook  was  crowned  with  the 
prestige  of  victory  !”  (Unanimous  applause  from  Stavie 
and  I,  the  more  especially  as  this  truthful  eulogy  was 
pronounced  by  a rabid  Davis  man.) 

Well,  we  were  glad  to  see  Botch,  and  shook  him  up 
lively,  squeezing  his  hand  a la  “ Long  John.” 

“ Yellow  ticket,  Botch  ?”  we  asked. 


78 


THAT  CONVENTION  J OR, 


“ Yes,  marked  ‘ special.5  ” 

“ Good  enough,  old  boy;  and  now  how  are  you  off  for 
a room  ?” 

The  new  arrival  looked  blank.  “ I’ve  no  room,”  said 
he — “ supposed  there  would  be  plenty.  Did  not  think 
many  people  would  be  here.”  The  idea  that  there 
wouldn’t  be  many  people  in  Porkopolis  when  it  was  the 
Nation’s  uprising,  so  to  speak,  to  save  the  Country 
( to  the  office-seekers  !) 


“ We  can  fix  you,  though.  Have  just  room  for  ‘one 
more’  in  our  party.  You’re  all  right.  Send  your  bag- 
gage to  237.” 


“We  did  what  we  could  to  make  him  tight  and  comfortable.” 


Here  I wish  to  draw  a veil,  as  it  were.  I don’t  like  to 
talk  about  anyone,  and  I wouldn’t  say  anything  about 
Botch  for  the  world.  He  is  a good  fellow  and  he  lives 
in  Chicago.  He  is  a single  man  ; also,  a man  of  letters 


FIVE  DAYS  A POLITICIAN. 


70 

and  of  parts,  graduate,  and  all  that.  But  he  has  his 
little  idiosyncrasies. 

We  did  what  we  could  to  make  him  tight  and  comfort- 
able— but  he  didn’t  stay  in  237.  Four  of  us,  actual 
count,  retired  in  that  room  Wednesday  night,  but  at  the 
usual  hour  in  the  morning  for  playing  on  the  harp,  and 
taking  our  political  lesson,  Botch  was  missing. 


80 


THAT  CONVENTION  ; OR. 


XI. 

Room  237 — “I  Could  a Tale  TJNFOLD.,, 


“ F.  G.  W.  ” saving  his  country  at  Cincinnati. 


I don’t  suppose  that  it  is  just  according  to  the 
Author’s  “ ring  ” to  unveil  to  the  gaze  of  the  vulgar 
world,  the  secrets  of  one’s  household,  or  hotel.  I don’t 
know  as  there  is  any  rule  for  the  “ ring,”  or  whether 


FIVE  BAYS  A POLITICIAN. 


81 


there  is  any  such  ring.  I don’t  know  as  anything  I 
have  written  has  been  according  to  rule.  But  as  I have 
had  frequent  occasion  in  this  “ o’er  true  tale  ” to  advert 
to  room  No.  237,  Burnet  House , and  to  refer  to  it  in  a 
manner  at  least  suggestive,  and  as  I profess  to  be  a 
faithful  historian,  whatever  else  I may  be,  I will  at  least 
recur  to  it,  and  touch  briefly  and  tenderly  upon  what 
there  transpired. 

All  human  beings  require  some  relaxation,  and  if 
politicians  cannot  properly  be  classed  under  this  head, 
yet  they  must  “let  up”  occasionally.  We  “let  up  ” in 
237. 

And  right  here  I wish  to  digress  in  order  to  place  one 
man’s  record  right  before  the  public.  If  anyone  should 
take  the  trouble  to  glance  over  the  Burnet  House  register 
to  see  who  occupied  237  during  the  Convention  week,  I 
wish  to  tell  them  that  the  estimable  gentleman  whose 
name  appears  fourth  and  last,  was  not  an  occupant  of 
the  room,  and  was  entirely  irresponsible  for  any  trans- 
actions which  there  occurred,  whether  wise  or  otherwise. 

There  'were  only  three  of  us — I think  I have  previous- 
ly mentioned  their  names  somewhere,  Steady,  Stavie, 
and  “ Yours  respectably  ” — save  the  one  small  section  of 
a night  when  our  dear  friend  Botch  shared  our  hospi- 
talities, and,  like  the  Arab,  folding  his  bandana  hand- 
kerchief, stole  silently  away,  at  an  hour  and  moment  to 
us  unknown,  not  even  leaving  his  umbrella  or  paper 
collar  box  to  tell  that  he  had  been  there. 

Night  is  the  time,  ’tis  said,  when  Genius,  like  the  owl, 
flits  about.  It  was  at  night  I did  my  heavy  writing, 
and  carefully  propped  up  by  a pile  of  pillows,  with 
with  a wet  towel  around  my  fevered  brow,  undisturbed 
by  naught  save  the  unobtrusive  popping  of  wine  corks, 


82 


THAT  CONVENTION  ; OR, 


the  playful  breaking  of  bottles  and  other  articles  of 
furniture  usually  to  be  found  in  a first-class  hotel,  my 
versatile  pencil  ran  serenely  on.  I say  versatile  pencil, 
because  sometimes  it  would  try  to  write  with  the  blunt 
end  downwards,  and  occasionally,  a wine  bottle  in  its 
fervid  flights,  would  send  the  pencil  turning  bewildering 
somersaults  in  mid-air. 

I am  pained  to  say  that  during  a good  share  of  Mon- 
day and  Tuesday  nights  the  room  was  noisy — in  fact,  it 
was  what  some  people  might  term  very  noisy.  I know 
that’s  what  a next  door  neighbor — who  had  come  up 
from  a lower  floor  to  get  where  it  was  quiet — called  it, 
with  an  expressive  adjective  connected  with  his  forcible 
style  of  wording  it.  He  took  the  matter  so  much  to 
heart  that  he  reported  it  at  the  office,  where  he  received 
the  satisfactory  answer  that  it  was  “ Convention  week, 
and  the  boys  have  come  down  here  for  fun,  and  they 
must  have  it,  you  know.” 

In  response  to  this  he  ungraciously  consigned  the 
Convention  and  every  one  connected  with  it,  to  a 
locality  the  name  of  which  is  better  known  than  its 
geographical  location.  All  of  which  was  entirely  super- 
fluous, the  more  especially  as  a majority  of  the  delegates 
already  had  through  tickets — that  Davis  didn’t  pay  for, — 
and  the  balance  wished  themselves  there  when  they 
found  out  who  they  had  nominated. 

But  to  return  to  our  friend.  After  that,  when  we 
would  hear  him  tossing  about,  and  groaning,  and  getting 
up  corners  on  swear  words,  we  used  to  sympathize  with 
that  man.  And  to  let  him  know  how  we  laid  awake  to 
pity  him,  some  of  the  boys  would  lovingly  toss  a stray 
boot,  or  a broken  chair — I don’t  know  why,  but  the 
chairs  in  our  room  were  mostly  all  weak  somewhere,  or 


FIVE  DAYS  A POLITICIAN. 


83 


some  other  little  relic,  and  when  these  would  strike  the 
wall  dividing  his  room  from  ours,  he  would  always 
manifest  in  an  original  manner  that  was  quite  taking, 
his  lively  appreciation  of  our  sympathy  in  his  sleepless 
vigils.  I’ve  met  that  same  man  since  and  he  didn’t 
know  me.  Such  is  gratitude  ! 

As  I said  before,  the  proprietors  of  the  Burnet  were 
very  kind  to  the  “ boys  ” — much  kinder  than  they  were 
to  the  girls,  for  when  the  Anthony,  and  the  Sun-Set 
Hope,  of  the  Woman’s  Cause,  attempted  to  talk  in  a 
quiet  way  to  the  wise  men  there  assembled,  in  the 
parlors  of  the  hotel,  the  proprietors,  taking  their  cue 
from  the  Convention,  in  the  most  surprising  manner 
walked  them  out  under  escort  of  two  brave  c<  stars !” 
It  is  evident  that  the  Burnet  House  was  “ run  ” in  the 
interest  of  the  “ boys  ” that  week. 

To  resume.  It  cost  Steady  many  an  hour’s  sleep,  and 
many  a “ line  upon  line,”  to  train  Stavie  and  I how  to 
be  politicians — how  to  gesticulate — how  to  argue — how 
to  give  effective  emphasis,  when  necessary,  by  striking 
on  the  table  with  clinched  fists — and  how  to  drink. 

And  here  I wish  to  rise  to  a question  of  privilege.  The 
word  “ drink  ” has  been  mentioned,  and  I wish  to  set 
“ our  crowd”  right  on  the  Liquor  Law  question. 

Of  course  we  drank  a little  lager,  and  the  boys  used 
to  order  up  wine  bottles  occasionally — simply  to  keep 
the  shiftless  waiters  employed.  Personally,  I confined 
myself  to  “still  Catawba,”  which  is  hardly  a beverage 
with  which  a first-class  politician  would  ever  astonish 
his  stomach. 

Sometimes,  I must  admit,  we  became  hilarious,  but 
always  good-naturedly  so.  And  under  these  circum- 
stances the  fertility  of  invention  displayed  by  each  in  his 


84 


THAT  CONVENTION  ; OR, 


efforts  to  destroy  the  prevailing  monotony — and  such 
articles  as  were  not  immovably  a part  of  the  room,  were 
certainly  amusing  to  ourselves.  It  might  not  have 
proved  equally  diverting  to  any  chance  visitor. 


I know  the  waiters  dreaded  that  room  as  they  do  the 
K.  K.  K.,  or  his  Sulphurious  Majesty  I don’t  know 
why,  but  the  same  one  never  answered  our  bell  the 
second  time.  Perhaps,  after  all,  I may  be  too  sensitive 
— perhaps  they  liked  it  so  well  that  they  wanted  to  give 
each  other  “a  fair  show.”  But  the  same  one  never  came 
but  once — at  a time,  and  one  of  them  I know  never  came 
but  one  time. 

That  was  one  of  the  first  nights  we  were  there.  The 


FIVE  DAYS  A POLITICIAN, 


85 


boys  had  been  having  their  little  fun  in  keeping  the 
waiters  climbing  with  fresh  relays  of  wine  bottles,  until 
I remember  that  I was  convinced  that  their  little  joke 
had  gone  far  enough.  I expatiated  and  urged  them  to 
quit,  but  they  didn’t  know  enough,  at  that  moment,  to 
quit;  or,  if  they  did,  they  didn’t;  and  as  I didn’t  feel 
equal  to  the  exertion — I was  very  tired  just  then,  I in- 
distinctly remember — of  assisting  them  to  quit,  I 
pounced  upon  the  next  luckless  darkey  that  stuck  his 
frightened  head  inside  the  door — I always  like  to  take 
some  one  I can  whip  ; whereupon  occurred  a little 


* ‘ Whereupon  occurred  a little  ‘ walk-around.  ’ ” 


“ walk-around  ” such  one  does  not  often  see — even  at 
Hooley’s  Minstrels.  With  one  grasp  on  his  coat  collar, 
and  my  other  hand,  like  that  of  Fate,  held  threatening- 
ly aloft,  I played  ghost  to  the  blackest  Hamlet,  with  the 
scaredest  face,  that  you  most  likely  ever  saw.  The  wine 


86 


THAT  CONVENTION  J OR, 


bottles,  which  the  wretch  had  brought,  went  one  way,  the 
glasses  another,  and  he  a third — which  was  finally — to 
my  relief  and  I suppose  to  his — towards  the  door.  Then 
I “ bounced  ” him,  giving  him  a good  starter  on  his 
return  trip  down  stairs,  which  I’ll  be  bound  was  a short 
one.  Then  I betook  myself  to  blissful  dreams,  in  which 
politicians,  champagne  bottles  with  human  heads,  .and 
other  Sons  of  Darkness,  went  jigging  about  in  intermin- 
able circles.  But  no  more  wine  came  up  that  night — 
nor  any  more  deluded  darkies. 

As  I have  suggested,  237  was  not  a healthy  place  for 
darkies.  I think  it  must  have  been  because  it  was  too 
“ high  ” for  them,  the  atmosphere  was  too  exhilerating, 
so  to  speak.  Perhaps  they  might  have  grown  accustom- 
ed to  this  after  a time,  but  they  never  managed  to  stay 
long  enough  to  become  acclimated. 


FIVE  DAYS  A POLITICIAN. 


87 


XII. 

“F.  G.  W.”  Swears  Off. 


Political  Life. 


It  may  have  incidentally  occurred  to  some  one  that  I 
have  said  but  little  about  “that  Convention.”  It  was 
made  up,  principally  of  “ sore  heads  ” — whom,  I am  in- 
formed showed  their  credentials  by  taking  off  their  hats; 
old  line  wire-pullers  and  log-rollers  ; the  cashiers  of  the 
Davis  Fund  ; and  a crowd  of  lookers-on  who  enjoyed 
the  whole  affair  as  a big  joke.  Hence,  the  less  said  about 
it,  save  as  a joke,  the  better. 

Friday  night  the  city  purged  itself,  and  took  a square 
sleep. 

Steady’s  installment  of  the  Davis  Fund  having  struck 


88 


THAT  CONVENTION  ; OR, 


bottom,  he  struck  out  for  home  directly  after  the  adjourn- 
ment. 

Stavie  and  I remained  over  night,  and,  felicitating  our- 
selves upon  our  near  release  from  the  “ politics  business,” 
slept  the  sleep  of  the  just. 

At  early  dawn,  on  Saturday,  we  left  the  hospitable 
shelter  of  the  Burnet,  homeward  bound.  We  were  both 
tired  out,  and  neither  cared  to  say  much  about  his  life 
in  Cincinnati. 

So  my  mind  wandered  back  over  my  “ five  days  a 
politician,”  and  I trust  with  profit.  To  be  a first-class 
politician,  then,  you  must  drink  “early  and  often.”  This 
is  not  my  forte.  You  must  tell  falsehoods — in  the  name 
of  your  “party.”  You  must  accept  the  man  who  is 
nominated  by  your  “ party  ” — no  matter  how  unfit  he  is 
for  the  office.  You  must  deceive  your  best  friend,  if 
need  be,  for  the  good  of  your  “party.”  In  short,  you 
must  be  “good  Lord  ” and  “ good  Devil,”  all  of  which  is 
hard  for  me  to  do. 

At  South  Bend  I telegraphed  : 

‘Mrs.  F.  G.  W., 

Spark  Street, 

Chicago : 

All  there  is  left  of  “that  Convention”  will  arrive  at  9 p.m. 

F.  G.  W.” 

As  we  neared  the  city  we  met  an  out-going  train  which 
supplied  us  with  the  evening  papers,  and  almost  the  first 
thing  that  caught  my  eye  was  the  following  : 

“Lost  Man. 

‘ ‘ Mr.  Confucius  Botch,  formerly  of  Chicago,  left  his  boarding-house 
in  this  city  May  1st,  to  attend  the  ‘ Liberal  Convention  * at  Cincin- 
nati, and  has  been  absent  since  that  time.  Having  no  business  to 
detain  him,  fears  of  foul  play  are  entertained  by  his  friends,  who 
would  be  glad  to  receive  information  respecting  him.” 


FIVE  DAYS  A POLITICIAN. 


89 


“ Stavie,”  said  I,  look  at  this.  “ Poor  Botch  has  not 
returned.” 

“ Would  to  Heaven  I had  not  gone  to  * that  Conven- 
tion/ ” said  Stavie,  with  tears  in  his  eyes.  “ Botch  was  a 
good  fellow,  wasn’t  he  ? I always  liked  Botch,  and  I will 
spend  my  bottom  dollar,  but  he  shall  be  found.” 

At  9 p.m.  we  arrived  in  Chicago.  Prom  the  depot  to 
the  house  is  about  a mile,  and  homewards  I hurried  on 
a bounding  liorse-car. 


As  I approached  the  door-yard,  and  I glanced  into  the 

windows well,  I do  not  like  to  record  my  family 

matters  in  a book  like  this  ; but  if  by  the  humiliating 
confession  I can  save  but  one  young  woman,  or  even  one 
young  man,  from  entering  on  the  course  I led  during 
this  five  days  experience,  I will  gladly  do  so,  and  think 
myself  amply  rewarded. 

Prom  the  moment  I left  this  threshold  for  “ that  Con- 
vention,” until  my  return,  I had  forgotten  my  loved  ones 
at  home.  If  this  be  the  wages  of  the  politician — if  to  be 
politically  great, as  this  world  goes,  is  to  forget  these — then 


90 


THAT  CONVENTION. 


“ Steep  me  in  poverty  to  the  very  lips ; give  to  captivity 
me  and  my  utmost  hopes aye,  wither  my  tongue,  close 
my  eyes  to  all  the  beauties  of  this  world — but  for  the  love 
of  Heaven  save  me  from  the  honors  and  rewards  of  an 
American  Politician. 


Home  Life. 


THE  “DOLLY  VARDEN ” CONVENTION, 

AND 

THE  “DOUGHNUT”  PLATFORM. 


PART  SECOND. 


THE  SNIPES  THAT  WEKE  SHOT  AT  “THAT  CONVENTION. 


Q.Tw  Sho 


THE  “DOLLY  Y ARDEN”  CONVENTION, 

AND 

THE  “ DOUGHNUT  PLATFORM.” 


I. 

The  Call. 

Whereas,  The  Usurper  Grant  has  reduced  the  national  debt,  and 
the  taxes  at  the  same  time  ; and 
Whereas,  The  Mudsill  Grant  has  protected  the  negroes;  and 
Whereas,  The  Nepotic  Grant  has  persistently  refused  to  give  us 
offices;  and 

Whereas,  The  Bull-dog  Grant  has  clung  to  his  own  ideas,  utterly 
refusing  to  be  dictated  to  by  old  and  reliable  politicians;  and 

Whereas,  Sum-of-all  Villainies  Grant  has  made  himself  contuma- 
ciously obnoxious  to  all  schemers,  sore-heads,  malcontents,  and  dis- 
affected persons  generally;  therefore,  with  charity  to  ourselves  and 
malice  to  all  others,  be  it 

EESOLVED,  O,  ye  disconsolate,  that  you  shall  come  into  meeting 
at  Cincinnati,  on  the  1st  day  of  May,  upon  which  auspicious  occasion 
there  will  be  moving  times  (this  is  a joke) ; and 

EESOLVED,  That  then  and  there  the  ointment  of  mutual  condo- 
lence and  sympathy  shall  heal  our  sore  heads;  our  nakedness  we 
will  cover  with  the  chaste  and  artistic  Dolly  Varden  robes;  the 
aching  void  in  our  pockets  shall  be  filled  with  the  Davis  Fund,  and 


96 


THAT  CONVENTION  1 OK; 


all  our  sorrows  shall  be  drowned  in  foaming  Cincinnati  lager  and 
“OLD  KENTUCKY  EYE.” 


All  of  which  was  carried  out  according  to  programme,  as  detailed 
in  succeeding  chapters. 


FIVE  DAYS  A POLITICIAN. 


97 


II. 

First  Day. 

The  famous  Cincinnati  Convention,  or,  as  some  one 
has  facetiously  termed  it,  the  “ Dolly  Varden  Muster,” 
composed  of  disaffected  Republicans,  together  with  a 
very  fair  sprinkling  of  the  worst  elements  of  the  dead 
Democracy,  assembled  in  Exposition  Hall  on  Wednesday 
morning,  May  1st,  for  the  purpose  of  nominating  a 
ticket  in  opposition  to  the  regular  Republican  nomina- 
tion; or,  in  other  words,  to  concentrate  their  strength 
with  that  of  the  Democrats  upon  one  man,  in  order  to 
defeat  General  Grant.  About  fifteen  hundred  persons 
were  present  on  the  first  day,  who  appeared  to  exhibit, 
for  the  most  part,  the  most  profound  indifference  to  the 
proceedings.  Colonel  Grosvenor  called  the  Convention 
to  order,  when  Judge  Stanley  Matthews,  of  Ohio,  was 
elected  temporary  Chairman.  Senator  Schurz  was  called 
on  for  a speech,  but  he  declined  in  a few  words  of  almost 
peremptory  character.  The  Convention  then  adjourned. 


98 


THAT  convention;  ok. 


III. 

Second  Day. 

On  re-assembling,  May  2d,  the  question  of  the  admis- 
sion of  the  New  York  delegations  was  decided,  the  anti- 
Greeley  men  being  unceremoniously  hustled  out.  On 
motion,  Senator  Schurz  was  chosen  permanent  President 
of  the  Convention.  There  was  great  impatience  mani- 
fested at  the  necessary  delays  of  organization,  which 
could  hardly  be  restrained  by  the  presiding  officer.  Mr. 
Schurz  having  expressed  his  thanks  for  the  unexpected 
honor  of  the  permanent  Chairmanship,  then  proceeded 
to  deliver  a carefully  prepared  speech,  the  manuscript  of 
which  he  laid  on  the  desk  before  him,  and  then  poured 
out  his  eloquence  in  that  Senatorial  style  which  had  be- 
come so  familiar  to  many  of  his  hearers.  The  speech,  as 
simply  a studied  effort,  a fine  oration,  was  an  excellent 
one.  Few  men  could  be  found  to  take  exceptions  to  its 
abstract  propositions,  but  it  was  a scathing  piece  of  bitter 
irony  upon  the  purposes  of  the  men  who  had  assembled 
to  carry  out  the  very  purpose  alone  which  he  con- 
demned, viz:  “ To  beat  Grant  !” 

It  surprised  many  and  disgusted  others  to  find  that  Sen- 
ator Schurz  was  not  ready  to  accept  “ any  man”  to  beat 
Grant,  and  so  the  applause  which  followed  his  denuncia- 
tions of  mere  seeking  for  availability  was  somewhat  faint. 


FIVE  DAYS  A POLITICIAN. 


101 


It  was  said  that  had  he  boldly  pronounced  the  real  and 
only  purpose,  as  again  and  again  expressed  by  the  dele- 
gates on  the  floor,  namely,  “ to  beat  Grant,”  he  would 
have  been  literally  borne  on  the  shoulders  of  the  multi- 
tude. But  he  clothed  his  designs  with  a loftier  purpose, 
and  did  not  promise  his  followers  success  unless  they 
should  prove  that  they  deserved  it.  The  speech  was 
quickly  and  correctly  construed  as  a speech  in  favor  of 
Mr.  Adams  and  for  revenue  reform,  and  this  checked 
somewhat  the  demonstrations  with  which  otherwise  its 
fine  theories  would  have  been  greeted,  for  the  friends  of 
other  candidates  were  cold-blooded  at  the  allusions  so 
pointedly  made.  The  most  conspicuous  feature  of  the 
speech  was  the  fact  that  there  was  almost  a total  want 
of  sympathy  on  the  part  of  the  audience  of  delegates 
with  the  speaker’s  utterances  in  regard  to  the  reforms  in 
the  Government.  There  was  considerable  mechanical 
applause  at  times,  but  no  hearty,  enthusiastic  responses. 
When  he  warned  them  of  the  dangers  that  beset  them  in 
the  ways  of  the  politicians,  many  of  them  smiled  an  in- 
credulous smile ; and  when  the  eloquent  speaker  was 
finished,  its  effect  was  gone,  and  frantic  efforts  to  force 
a nomination  before  the  platform  was  reported,  charac- 
terized the  proceedings  towards  the  close  of  the  second 
day. 

The  Committee  on  Resolutions  strenuously  endeavored 
to  keep  their  work  on  the  tariff  plank  secret;  and  well 
they  might,  for  a more  shameful  piece  of  political  jug- 
glery was  never  before  attempted  to  be  played  on  intel- 
ligent people.  The  sessions  of  the  Committee  were  pro- 
longed nine  hours,  and  the  framing  of  the  tariff  resolution 
was  committed  to  a sub-committee,  consisting  of  Wells, 
Hoadley,  and  Defrees.  When  submitted  to  the  full 


102 


THAT  CONVENTION  ; OR, 


Committee  a stormy  scene  ensued,  in  which  reputations 
and  furniture  suffered,  but  blows  were  avoided.  After 
great  tribulation  the  precious  plank  was  jn’oduced,  which, 
despite  the  pretended  reserve  of  Mr.  Atkinson  and  Mr. 
Wells,  was  at  once  pronounced  the  “ Doughnut  plank” 
of  the  “Dolly  Yarden  Platform.”  The  whole  affair  was 
a shameful  sham,  which  artfully  concealed  its  true  mo- 
tives. The  bantling  was  at  once  sent  to  Greeley  for  his 
approval,  which  was  at  once  given.  The  following  is  the 
odious  resolution: 

EESOLYED,  That  the  system  of  Federal  taxation  should  be  laid 
so  as  not  to  interfere  unnecessarily  with  the  industries  of  the  country ; 
that  the  amount  of  revenue  to  be  raised  should  only  be  sufficient  to 
pay  the  expenses  of  the  Government  economically  administered,  the 
pensions,  the  interest  on  the  public  debt,  and  such  moderate  portion 
of  the  principal  thereof  annually  as  will  extinguish  the  whole  in  a 
reasonable  time,  and  that  the  method  by  which  the  taxes  shall  be 
adjusted  in  principle  and  in  detail  is  one  that  should  be  relegated  to 
the  representatives  of  the  people  in  Congress  without  Executive 
interference  or  dictation. 


FIVE  DAYS  A POLITICIAN. 


103 


in. 

The  Last  Day. 

There  were  moments  during  the  brief  career  of  the 
“ muster  ” when  it  seemed  to  have  symptoms  of  pro- 
tracted and  vigorous  life,  but  the  charlatans  who  brought 
it  into  existence  attended  it  with  too  great  solicitude, 
and  it  died,  as  a natural  consequence,  upon  their  hands. 
The  history  of  its  last  few  hours  is  strikingly  illustrative 
of  the  fact  that  a political  movement  matured  by  fraudu- 
lent practices  cannot  hope  to  survive.  Since  the  Sunday 
previous  to  its  assembling  the  Convention  was  literally 
stolen  by  political  knaves.  First  came  the  cohorts 
of  Judge  Davis,  headed  by  John  Defrees,  who  manu- 
factured a tremendous  outside  pressure  that  would 
have  resulted  on  the  1st  of  May  in  the  nomination  of 
Davis.  The  moral  sense  of  the  Convention  was  all  the 
time  with  Adams  and  Trumbull,  as  was  most,  if  not  all 
its  political  honesty,  as  well  as  its  sincerity  and  intel- 
ligence. In  these  early  stages  of  the  struggle  Davis  was 
pushed  by  Messrs.  Ward  H.  Lamon,  David  Dudley 
Field,  Leonard  Sweet,  Henry  S.  Cake  and  General 
Gridley,  of  Bloomington,  Illinois.  On  the  other  hand, 
the  advocates  of  Adams  were  Edward  Atkinson,  David 
A.  Wells,  Horace  White,  Samuel  Bowles,  Stanley 
Matthews,  Judge  Hoadley  and  many  others,  who  pos- 
sessed all  the  sincerity  and  honesty  of  the  concern. 


104 


THAT  CONVENTION  J OE, 


On  Thursday  night  the  Philistines  sneaked  into  their 
camp  and  out-manoeuvred  them.  Late  at  night  it  was 
rumored  that  Frank  Blair  and  Montgomery  Blair  had 
reached  the  city,  and  soon  afterward  it  was  ascertained 
that  Gratz  Brown  was  in  their  company.  Such  a combina- 
tion could  have  meant  nothing  but  mischief,  and  the 
Adams  forces  were  instantly  on  the  alert,  but  did  not 
succeed  in  learning  the  moves  of  the  conspirators  until 
it  was  too  late  to  counteract  them.  About  two  o’clock 
in  the  day  it  was  discovered  that  these  men  had  been 
in  consultation  in  Covington  and  in  Cincinatti,  with 
the  corruptionists  in  the  Convention,  and  that  it  had 
been  determined  that  Brown  should  withdraw  in  favor 
of  Greeley  and  take  the  second  place  on  the  ticket. 
This  made  the  combination  a powerful  one,  and  the 
Adams  men,  who  believed  its  success  would  be  the 
death  of  the  movement,  were  yet  aware  of  the 
danger  of  its  being  forced  through  the  Convention. 
As  shameless  a political  bargain  as  was  ever  made 
naturally  enticed  to  its  support  such  whole-souled 
patriots  as  General  Cochrane,  Waldo  Hutchins,  Alex. 
McClure,  Gratz  Brown,  . and  any  number  of  con- 
scienceless political  scamps  from  the  South,  and  the  sort 
of  influence  which  would  be  used  by  such  men  as  these 
was  naturally  dreaded.  When  the  Convention  assembled 
there  were  no  signs  of  the  conspiracy  for  some  time  in 
the  proceedings,  but  its  existence  was  generally  known 
and  bitter  comments  upon  it  could  be  heard  in  every 
quarter  by  the  friends  of  Adams,  Davis  and  Trumbull. 

Having  got  safely  through  the  platform,  with  manifesta- 
tions of  intense  delight  that  a transparent  cheat  as  the 
tariff  question  had  been  devised,  the  Convention  pro- 
ceeded to  ballot  for  a candidate  for  President.  The  roll 


FIVE  DAYS  A POLITICIAN. 


105 


of  States  was  called  and  yet  there  were  no  signs  of  a 
conspiracy.  But  no  sooner  had  the  result  been  an- 
nounced showing  that  Adams  had  developed  the  full 
strength  claimed,  than  the  bargain  was  sprung  upon  the 
Convention.  G-ratz  Brown  for  the  first  time  appeared 
upon  the  floor.  He  then  proceeded  to  make  that  re- 
markable speech,  declaring  for  Greeley,  when  the  ex- 
plosion instantly  came.  Missouri  changed  her  vote  from 
Brown  to  Trumbull  and  the  Chairman  of  the  Kentucky 
delegation,  Mr.  Cassius  M.  Clay  arose  and  cast  the  five 
votes  given  Brown  for  his  “ old  and  honored  friend, 
Horace  Greeley.”  There  were  several  other  changes, 
of  votes,  and  then  Missouri  asked  leave  to  retire  for 
consultation  amidst  no  little  commotion  and  the  violent 
expletives  with  which  several  members  greeted  the  ex- 
posure of  the  conspiracy.  Finally  the  dele  gation  got 
out  of  the  hall  without  any  actual  physical  collision,  and 
then  the  second  phase  of  the  bargain  appeared.  Alex. 
McClure  withdrew  the  name  of  Gov.  Curtin  and  asked 
leave  for  Pennsylvania  to  retire  for  consultation,  by  which 
he  meant,  that  he  might  have  an  opportunity  to  whet 
that  knife  which  on  the  previous  evening  he  had  threaten- 
ed to  put  into  the  free  traders.  The  session  of  the  Mis- 
sourians was  stormy  in  the  extreme.  Senator  Schurz 
relinquished  the  chair  to  Mr.  Julian,  and  appearing 
before  the  delegation  of  his  State,  proceeded  to  make  a 
brief  but  vigorous  speech  against  the  consummation  of 
the  bargain  by  the  nomination  of  Horace  Greeley.  The 
arguments  of  Schurz,  with  the  disgust  of  the  Missourians 
at  their  transfer  like  sheep,  caused  both  Brown  and  his 
bargain  to  be  repudiated.  Presently  the  bargain  again 
appeared. 

The  success  of  the  conspiracy  was  even  then  far  more 


106 


THAT  CONVENTION  ; OR, 


assured.  Alabama  and  Arkansas,  rotten  with  graceless 
delegates,  and  which  had  been  divided,  led  off  solid  for 
Greeley.  California  gave  him  half,  and  Georgia  all, 
while  before  she  had  had  none  for  him.  But  there  were 
no  other  breaks  of  consequence  before  Missouri  was 
called,  and  that  State  gave  Greeley  only  ten,  while  she 
gave  Trumbull  sixteen  and  Adams  four.  The  announce- 
ment of  the  vote  by  General  McNeil,  the  Chairman,  being 
instantly  followed  by  one  of  the  delegates  shouting, 
“ We’ve  been  sold,  but  not  delivered.”  When  it  came  to 
Pennsylvania,  it  was  found  that  McClure  had  been 
equally  unable  to  fulfill  his  contract,  as  that  State  had 
only  18  for  Greeley,  with  26  for  Adams,  and  11  for  Trum- 
bull. When  the  result  of  the  ballot  showed  Adams  243, 
Greeley  245,  Trumbull  148,  and  Davis  75,  the  conspiracy 
seemed  a failure.  The  Adams  men  became  radiant,  and 
for  a time  delighted  in  the  delusion  that  the  rays  of 
political  purity  had  come  again,  and  that  their  candidate, 
for  whom  no  questionable  means  had  been  used,  was  to 
triumph  by  the  mere  force  of  merit  over  the  chicanery  of 
professional  politicians.  At  the  conclusion  of  this  ballot 
there  was  an  unusual  uproar,  caused  by  the  meeting  of 
the  delegations.  The  emissaries  of  the  corrupt  agricul- 
turalist, together  with  the  Brown  wing,  were  at  work, 
and  the  Adams  men  became  uneasy;  but  the  roll-call  of 
the  third  ballot  soon  began,  and  being  completed,  showed 
Adams  264,  Greeley  258,  Trumbull  146,  and  Davis  44. 
Virtue  was  still  triumphant  against  intrigue.  Adams 
on  the  fourth  ballot  had  279,  Greeley  251,  and  Trumbull 
141.  Not  only  had  Adams  gained,  but  Greeley  had  actu- 
ally lost,  and  it  was  generally  supposed  that  the  Trum- 
bull vote,  which  was  the  balance  of  power,  would,  when 
it  left  him,  go  to  Adams,  and  nominate  him.  Those  who 


Five  days  a politician. 


107 


were  ignorant  of  the  depth  of  iniquity  into  which  the 
Greeley  managers  had  descended,  supposed  the  nomina- 
tion of  Adams  certain,  and  telegrams  to  that  effect  were 
flashed  over  the  country.  On  the  next  ballot  the  break 
began,  Trumbull  going  down  to  91,  Adams  rising  to  309, 
and  Greeley  to  256.  The  latter  had  gained  only  5,  but 
Adams  had  gained  30,  and  there  was  no  longer  any  doubt 
in  many  minds  but  that  Adams  would  be  nominated  on 
the  next  ballot.  The  Trumbull  men  were  going  over  to 
him.  It  was  thought  that  there  was  no  longer  any  dan- 
ger of  a stampede  to  Greeley,  and  there  was  also  a gen- 
eral conclusion  that  the  Blairs,  Gratz  Brown,  Cochrane, 
Hutchins,  McClure,  and  other  intriguers  had  gained 
nothing  by  their  labors.  But  they  had  not  been  given 
credit  for  their  astuteness,  for  all  this  time  they  had 
been  merely  playing  with  the  victim  they  were  now  pre- 
pared to  crush. 

At  this  juncture  the  Illinois  delegation  asked  leave 
to  retire,  and  in  the  confusion  following  their  exit 
the  calling  of  the  sixth  ballot  began.  Alabama  and 
Arkansas  voted  solid  for  Greeley.  Georgia  next  went 
solid  for  the  “ Chappaqua  farmer/’  and  then  the  critical 
moment  had  come.  John  Cochrane  jumped  to  his  feet 
and  set  up  a yell,  in  which  all  the  plotters  joined.  It  was 
minutes  before  the  roll  could  be  called  further.  Indiana 
followed  almost  solid  for  Greeley,  and  the  yells  were  re- 
newed with  more  volume  and  intensity  than  before.  It 
became  evident  that  Greeley  was  to  be  shouted  down  the 
throat  of  the  Convention,  and  in  vain  Schurz  pounded 
for  order.  There  was  no  order  in  the  crowd  of  political 
tricksters  below  him,  and  as  gains  for  Greeley  were  an- 
nounced in  Iowa,  Kansas,  Kentucky,  Mississippi,  Louis- 
iana, and  Missouri,  which  finally  voted  Greeley,  with 


108 


THAT  CONVENTION  ; OR, 


Adams  10  and  Trumbull  2,  it  was  evident  that  the  Tribune 
philosopher  was  stamped  in  the  nomination.  But  Mc- 
Clure had  to  make  a proper  showing,  and  Pennsylvania 
before  the  changes  commenced  stood  Adams  32,  Greeley 
18.  At  the  close  of  the  call  the  Convention  degenerated 
into  a mob  of  yelling  madmen.  Private  tallies  had  shown 
that  the  plot  had  succeeded,  and  everywhere  chairmen 
of  delegations  were  on  their  feet  demanding  to  change 
the  vote  of  their  States,  which  was  done,  when  finally  the 
ballot  was  announced — Greeley  482,  and  Adams  187 — 
and  as  a fitting  termination  of  this  buffoonery,  Horace 
Greeley  was  declared  nominated  as  the  candidate  of  the 
“Dolly  Varden  ticket.”  On  not  a few  the  realization  of 
the  situation  settled  like  a pall.  The  Southern  States, 
which  had  been  scattering  their  votes  on  Chase,  Brown, 
and  Trumbull,  hurried  to  change  them  to  the  winning 
man,  and  the  announcements  were  made  amid  loud 
cheers  and  storms  of  hisses  from  the  floor  and  galleries. 
Cries  of  “ shame !”  and  yells  of  delight  were  mingled  in 
the  common  discord.  Every  man’s  face  was  a study. 
Hundreds  of  delegates  stamped  their  feet  and  swore. 
Judge  Hoadley,  of  the  Ohio  delegation,  shook  with  rage. 
Stanley  Matthews  swelled  until  it  seemed  as  if  he  would 
burst.  The  pig-iron  arrow  which  he  shot  at  McClure  the 
night  before  had  been  turned,  and  now  pierced  his  own 
side.  The  faces  of  the  “independent  journalists,”  which 
had  a few  moments  before  been  aglow  with  joyful  hope  at 
the  splendid  vote  of  Adams,  now  grew  black  under  the 
overspreading  clouds  of-  disappointment  and  disgust. 
The  countenance  of  Schurz  was  a fresh  study  for  the 
facile  pencil  of  Nast.  The  audience  seemed  to  become 
enraged  and  delighted  by  turns.  Hats  flew  wildly,  while 
anathemas  and  maranathemas  were  hurled  at  the  heads 
of  the  tricksters  who  had  effected  the  consummation. 


BEADING  THE  DISPATCHES. 


FIVE  DAYS  A POLITICIAN. 


Ill 


Senator  Schurz  at  last,  with  a voice  trembling  with  visible 
emotion,  announced  the  sixth  and  last  ballot,  as  follows: 
Whole  number  of  votes  cast,  714;  necessary  to  a choice, 
358;  of  which  Charles  Francis  Adams  had  187,  and 
Horace  Greeley  482.  A recess  of  ten  minutes  then  fol- 
lowed, against  the  protestations  of  the  Greeley  cham- 
pions, who  wanted  to  rush  the  Greeley-Brown  bargain 
straight  through  without  any  intermission.  During  the 
intermission  the  scene  was  changed  from  the  appalling  to 
the  ludicrous.  The  men  at  first  stunned  at  the  result 
began  to  realize  the  length  and  breadth  of  the  farce,  and 
then  to  laugh  immoderately.  Among  the  journalists  the 
comments  were  various,  as  they  telegraphed  reserved 
comments  or  instructions  to  their  papers.  Samuel 
Bowles  was  asked  what  he  was  going  to  do  about  it,  and 
replied  that  he  was  “ going  to  think  about  it.”  Hal- 
stead, the  Murat  of  “ indpendent  journalists,”  swore 
with  an  emphatic  oath;  Matterson,  of  the  Louisville 
Courier-Journal,  surveyed  his  wrecked  hopes  with  a sick- 
ening sensation;  while  Bromley,  of  the  Hartford  Post , 
at  once  bought  a ticket  for  the  Mammoth  Cave,  remark- 
ing, with  that  characteristic  severity  which  never  permits 
him  to  spoil  a joke,  even  at  the  expense  of  his  friends, 
that  having  seen  one  “mammoth  cave,” he  desired  to  see 
the  other  in  Kentucky.  During  this  brief  recess  the 
complexion  of  the  audience  changed  almost  entirely. 
Scores  of  delegates  left  in  utter  disgust  and  rage,  and  the 
galleries  emptied  with  great  rapidity.  The  spirit  of  the 
Convention  was  broken,  and  the  interest  was  gone.  The 
whole  affair  had  collapsed  like  a bubble,  and  it  required 
quite  an  effort  to  nerve  the  body  up  to  the  exertion  of 
completing  the  remainder  of  the  bargain  by  the  nomina- 
tion of  Gratz  Brown  for  Vice-President.  The  roll-call 
began,  and  amid  the  cheers  of  the  Brown  body-guard 


112 


THAT  CONVENTION  J OR, 


from  St.  Louis,  and  Greeley’s  strikers  from  New  York, 
Greeley’s  States  wheeled  into  line  for  Brown.  The 
Adams  men  made  a frantic  effort  to  stem  the  tide  of  dis- 
aster, and,  when  Connecticut  was  reached,  she  cast  ten 
votes  for  George  W.  Julian,  and  only  one  for  Brown. 
Illinois,  Indiana,  and  Massachusetts  followed  suit,  and  it 
seemed  for  a moment  as  if  that  degree  of  respectability 
which  pertains  to  Mr.  Julian  might  be  saved  to  the  ticket, 
but  it  was  only  for  a moment.  Other  States  which  might 
have  nominated  Julian,  and  thus  restored  a partial  spirit 
to  the  despondent  mass,  frittered  away  the  vote  on 
Trumbull  and  Cox  and  Walker;  and  even  Tipton  and 
Scovell  received  eight  and  twelve  votes  respectively.  So 
that  on  the  total  result,  Brown  was  nearly  ahead  of  all 
competitors,  thus:  Brown,  237;  Trumbull,  156;  Julian, 
134i;  Walker,  84J;  Clay,  44;  Cox,  25;  Scovell,  12;  Tip- 
ton,  8.  At  this  point  Governor  Koerner,  of  Illinois, 
withdrew  Trumbull’s  name,  saying  that  he  had  abso- 
lutely declined  to  take  that  nomination,  and  the  name  of 
Governor  Cox  was  also  withdrawn  by  his  authority.  At 
this  point,  also,  the  announcement  was  made  that  the 
Ohio  delegation  would  withdraw  from  the  Convention 
for  consultation  at  College  Hall.  The  second  ballot  was 
then  taken,  and  the  bargain  no  longer  encountered  any 
resistance.  It  went  all  one  way,  the  farce  being  kept  up 
by  those  who  remained  casting  the  full  vote  of  the  dele- 
gation, many  members  of  which  had  departed  until  the 
result  was  announced:  Brown,  435;  Julian,  175;  Walker, 
75;  Palmer,  8;  Tipton,  3.  Amid  alternate  yells  of  tri- 
umph and  shouts  of  derision  the  Convention  adjourned 
sine  die,  and  after  this  manner  was  perpetrated  the  most 
stupendous  joke  of  the  season — obviously  a fitting  con- 
clusion to  the  most  absurd  farce  enacted  in  the  jiolitical 
world  since  the  nation’s  history  began. 


FIVE  DAYS  A POLITICIAN. 


113 


Y. 

What  “ They  Say.” 


“ Blow  the  trumpets,  beat  the  drums; 
See  ! the  conquering  hero  comes  l” 

Greeley’s  Consistency. 

is  the  brightest  jewel  in  the 


“ doughnut” 


(Which 


114 


THAT  CONVENTION  ; OR, 


crown  of  the  “cabbage  candidate.”)  Out  of  his  own 
mouth  he  foretells  the  death  of  his  aspirations  to  the 
Presidency.  In  the  campaign  of  ’68  he  inadvertently 
tells  us  the  truth  when  he  says: 

“We  are  led  by  him  who  first  taught  our  armies  to  conquer  in  the 
West,  and  subsequently  in  the  East,  also.  Richmond  would  not 
come  to  us  until  we  sent  Grant  after  it.  [Cheers.]  He  has  never 
yet  been  defeated,  and  never  will  be.  He  will  be  as  great  and 
successful  on  the  field  of  politics  as  on  the  field  of  a rms.  ” 

And  again,  concerning  the  one-term  principle,  January 
5th4  1871,  at  a political  meeting  in  New  York  city,  he  de- 
livered a speech  in  which  he  praised  the  Administration, 
and  uttered  these  words: 

“While  asserting  the  right  of  every  Republican  to  his  un  trammeled 
choice  of  a candidate  for  next  President,  until  a nomination  is  made, 
I venture  to  suggest  that  General  Grant  will  be  far  better  qualified 
for  that  momentous  trust  in  1872  than  he  was  in  1868.”  (! ! I !) 

His  Devotion  to  “Principle.” 

The  greatest  sham,  upon  which  he  has  built  up  what 
reputation  with  the  better  class  of  our  citizens  he  may 
possess,  is  his  professed  devotion  to  “ principle,”  and  the 
honesty  of  his  opinions  has  been  held  to  cover  an  innu- 
merable multitude  of  eccentricities  in  his  unequaled  feats 
of  first  appearing  upon  one  side  of  the  fence  and  then 
upon  the  other.  All  of  which  received  an  effectual  airing 
in  the  New  York  Times  of  June  2,  under  the  head  of 
“ Our  £ Honest  Uncle’s’  Tammany  Partnership,”  which 
says: 

“Mr.  Greeley,  during  a long  lifetime,  has  denounced  the  use  of  to- 
bacco, and  insisted  that  the  man  who  used  it  in  any  shape  was  quite 
as  guilty  and  degraded  as  the  drunkard.  Mr.  Greeley  was  also,  until 
the  spring  of  1871,  in  the  habit  of  denouncing  Tweed  as  one  of  the 
most  corrupt  Democratic  politicians  in  the  country.  Nevertheless, 
in  April.  1871,  Mr.  Greeley  joined  with  Tweed  and  Nathaniel  Sands 


-- 


4 


“BETWEEN  TWO  STOOLS, 


FIVE  DAYS  A POLITICIAN. 


117 


in  forming  a joint-stock  company  for  the  manufacture  and  sale  of 
tobacco  and  cigars,  and  also  with  Tweed  and  Sands  was  elected  to 
manage  the  affairs  of  the  company  as  a trustee.  He  kept  his  con- 
nection with  this  company  a secret,  and  was  therefore  under  no  ne- 
cessity of  changing  his  profound  opinions  on  the  sin  of  using  tobacco. 
He  was,  however,  compelled  to  defend  his  partner,  Tweed,  as  openly 
as  he  dared  when  the  Times  began  its  attack  upon  the  ‘Eing.’  We 
copy  the  original  certificate  of  incorporation  under  which  Messrs. 
Greeley  and  Tweed’s  tobacco  company  came  into  existence.  Will 
the  opponents  of  tobacco  and  the  believers  in  consistency  reconcile 
Mr.  Greeley’s  connection  with  this  matter  with  his  claim  to  be  con- 
sidered an  honest  devotee  of  principle  ?” 

After  which  follow  the  articles  of  incorporation  re- 
ferred to. 

Wendell  Phillips  on  Greeley.* 

“ You  know  I am  neither  a Republican  nor  a Grant  man.  Whom 
I shall  vote  for,  or  whether  I shall  vote  at  all,  I do  not  know.  But 
certainly  as  against  Greeley  I am  for  Grant.  We  have  had  one  Andy 
Johnson;  I will  not  run  the  risk  of  getting  another  in  Horace  Gree- 
ley. I want  a man  with  some  decided  principles.  Greeley  never  had 
any.  Besides,  I consider  Greeley  a secession  candidate.  I believe 
the  plot  to  nominate  him  was  hatched  by  Southern  white  rebels  more 
than  a year  ago,  and  has  been  mainly  nursed  by  them.  I advise  any 
one  who  means  to  vote  for  him  to  find  out  first  what  agreements  have 
been  made  by  Mr.  Greeley's  friends  with  Jeff.  Davis  and  his  staff  as 
to  office  and  patronage.  I am  perfectly  certain  that  there  is  a dis- 
tinct mutual  understanding,  if  not  a positive  contract,  between  them. 
If  Horace  Greeley  enters  the  White  House,  Jeff.  Davis  will  be  as 
surely  part  of  the  Administration  as  Seward  was  in  Lincoln’s  days. 
No  negro  can  vote  for  Greeley  who  values  his  life  or  property,  or 
cares  for  his  race.  If,  by  a frown  of  Providence,  he  is  elected,  I shall 
advise  every  Southern  loyalist  to  load  the  revolvers  that  Grant’s  ar- 
rest of  North  Carolina  Ku-klux  has  allowed  to  be  laid  aside.  If  he  is 
elected,  let  the  negroes  live  in  squads  of  fifty,  whom  no  coward  will 
dare  shoot  down,  and  show  no  property  after  sunset.  Lonely  men 
will  be  shot,  and  do  black  will  own  a mule  forty-eight  hours  if 

* Extract  of  a letter  from  Mr.  Wendell  Phillips  to  Mr.  S.  P.  Cum- 
mings. 


118 


THAT  CONVENTION  J OR, 


any  rebel  knows  the  fact.  For  a loyal  Administration  to  protect  the 
negro,  awe  the  rebel,  and  give  the  working  man  a chance,  Grant’s 
little  finger  is  worth  a baker’s  dozen  of  Greeley’s. 

Yours,  WENDELL  PHILLIPS. 

Greeley’s  Right  Bow-wower. 

Horace  the  Less,  editor  of  the  Chicago  Tribune , mourn- 
fully says: 

“The  nomination  of  Mr.  Greeley  may  be  a joke,  but  it  is  a very 
solemn  one.  ” 

How  Greeley  has  “ Split”  the  Republican  Party. 

The  Chicago  Times , the  staunch  organ  of  Democracy 
in  the  North-West,  says: 

“It  is  to  be  hoped,  in  the  interest  of  Mr.  Greeley,  that  it  is  not 
elsewhere  as  it  is  in  Chicago  concerning  his  strength  among  Repub- 
licans.  We  suspect  that,  in  all  the  city,  a dozen  well-known  Repub- 
licans cannot  be  found  who  have  pronounced  for  him.  At  any  rate, 
if  there  be  that  number,  they  have  not  revealed  themselves.  We 
inquired  yesterday  of  the  only  Greeley  Republican  whom  we  have 
met  in  Chicago  (and  he  is  a very  moderate  one),  ‘ Why  don’t  you 
call  a Greeley  ratification  meeting  in  this  chief  Western  metropolis?’ 
‘Well,’ he  answered,  ‘the  fact  is,  we  dare  not;  we  would  have  to 
rely  upon  the  Democrats  to  compose  it,  and  it’s  doubtful  how  they 
would  ratify.  ’ The  simple  truth  is,  Mr.  Greeley  has  no  strength 
among  the  Republicans  of  Chicago.” 

And  again — showing  where  the  Chappaqua  wedge  has 
really  made  the  “split” — says: 

“ There  is  a very  serious  defect  in  the  lists  of  political  newspapers 
which  some  of  the  philosophic  organs  are  publishing  to  show  the 
tenor  of  popular  sentiment  with  respect  to  the  candidacy  of  the  phi- 
losopher. There  is  nothing  to  indicate  the  Republican  journals  that 
have  declared  for  the  philosopher.  Presumptively,  all  such  journals 
are  included  in  the  lists,  for  it  can  hardly  be  that  all  the  journals  of 
public  opinion  which  favor  the  philosopher  are  Democratic  journals. 
Nevertheless,  one  who  is  acquainted  with  the  political  color  of  almost 


FIVE  DAYS  A POLITICIAN. 


119 


every  journal  of  any  considerable  importance  in  the  United  States 
will  look  through  these  lists  without  being  able  to  recognize,  after  the 
two  Tribunes  (the  big  and  the  little),  a single  Republican  journal. 
What  is  the  reason  ? If  the  philosoper  is  going  to  get  half  the  votes 
of  the  Republican  party,  why  is  it  that  nobody  can  hear  of  any  Re- 
publican newspapers  (excepting  the  big  and  little  Tribune ) that  are 
supporting  him  ? 

In  the  most  recent  of  the  lists  of  these  philosophic  journals  that 
have  come  to  hand,  are  given  the  names  of  about  one  hundred  news- 
papers which  are  said  to  be  ‘emphatically  for  Greeley.’  The  papers 
named  in  this  list  are  published  in  fifteen  different  States,  the  ma- 
jority being  in  New  York,  Illinois,  and  Missouri.  There  is  not  a 
single  Republican  paper  in  the  list.  Every  one  of  them  is  a Demo- 
cratic paper,  and  though  here  put  down  as  ‘ emphatically  for  Gree- 
ley,’ the  Times  recognizes  the  majority  of  them  as  Democratic  papers 
which  propose  to  await  the  action  of  the  Baltimore  Convention,  and 
to  be  governed  accordingly.” 


A Republican  on  the  Half-Shell. 


The  New  York  World,  with  a sarcasm  as  truthful  as  it 
is  amusing,  dubs  the  soft-shelled  philosopher  “ a Repub- 
lican on  the  half-shell !” 


120 


THAT  CONVENTION  * OR, 


The  Fourteenth  Amendment  on  the  Nomination. 
Interviewing  one  of  the  intelligent  colored  barbers  of 
the  Burnet  House,  concerning  the  nomination,  and  the 
manner  in  which  it  would  be  received  by  the  colored 
people,  he  said,  “ Mr.  Greeley  would  be  all  right  enough, 
— only  he  never  lmows  twice  what  he  wants  once,  and 
he  wasn't  nominated  at  the  right  place  /” 

A Strong  Way  of  Putting  it. 

A prominent  German  gentleman,  who,  unlike  most  of 
his  nationality,  is  not  a friend  of  Grant’s,  says  : 

“I  would  rather  have  anybody  for  President  than 
Grant — and  I would  rather  have  Grant  than  Greeley  !” 
Which  goes  to  show  that  Herr  Greeley  doesn’t  count 
as  a unit,  even  with  anti- Administration  men. 

Knows  Him  too  Well. 

(One  of  the  “ oldest  inhabitants”  of  New  York,  con- 
cerning the  “ Dolly  Varden”  nominee  :) 

Interviewer — “ So  you  are  a Greeley  man,  I suppose 
Oldest  Inhabitant — “Well,  I’ve  read  the  Tribune  ever 
since  it  was  started,  and  the  papers  he  edited  before 
that; — read  him  every  day  for  thirty  years.” 

Interviewer — “ I see,  you’re  a gone  case — one  of  his  old 
stand-bys,  so  to  speak.” 

Oldest  Inhabitant — “ Not  quite  so  fast ; I’m  not  for 
Greeley.  I’ve  read  him  too  much  for  that !” 

Greeley’s  Trump  Card. 

Not  that  he  loves  the  Woodhull  less,  but  the  modern 
Cincinnati-us  more,  does  that  bright,  and  every-way 
peculiar  star  of  pyrotechnic  journalism,  Theodore  Til- 
ton, declare  for  Greeley.  If,  as  H.  G.  modestly  claims, 
T.  T.  really  did  “ invent  him  for  the  Presidency,”  how 


4 


HOBSON’S  CHOICE. 


FIVE  DAYS  A POLITICIAN. 


123 


modest  of  tlie  editor  and  proprietor  of  the  Golden  Age 
when  the  stick  of  a meteoric  editorial  comes  down  thus  : 
“Meanwhile,  lest  we  should  be  charged  in  advance  with  a vain- 
glorious day-dream  of  some  foreign  mission  or  cabinet  portfolio,  we 
hereby  forswear  all  future  honors  of  the  new  Administration — ex- 
cept, perhaps,  an  old  friend’s  privilege,  once  in  a while,  of  taking  a 
cup  of  tea  at  the  White  House,  provided  the  Master  of  the  frugal 
feast  should  not  happen  to  be  over-crowded  with  better  company.  ” 


124 


THAT  CONVENTION  ! 03. 


VI. 

What  H.  G.  Says. 


“Vote  for  me.” 

• From  a private  letter,  written  by  the  truly  great  and 
good  Horace  Greeley,  to  the  Central  Committee  of  the 


POLITICS  MAKES  STRANGE  BEDFELLOWS. 


FIVE  DAYS  A POLITICIAN. 


127 


Any-body-to-beat-Grant  Party,  -we  are  allowed  to  use  a 
verbatim  translation  by  “ Hollo  Rambler,”  as  follows  : 
Tribune  Office,  May  15,  1872. 

To  Carl  Schurz , Jefferson  Davis , Horace  White , William  M. 
Tweed , Theodore  Tilton , all  my  other  dear  friends , 

greeting  : 

You  will  pardon  the  pride  I feel  in  the  life-long,  well- 
tried,  and  endearing  ties  which  bind  us  together  in  a 
fraternal  brotherhood,  and  the  assurance  founded  upon 
this  which  has  made  it  a matter  entirely  of  my  own 
choice  as  to  when  and  how  I should  acknowledge  the 
nomination — of  which  I had  not  received  the  slightest 
intimation,  until  officially  informed  by  you. 

A fortnight  passed  amid  the  umbrageous  seclusion  of 
Chappaqua,  in  the  rare  delights  of  sowing  seeds  for 
the  propagation  of  Greeley  Clubs  and  in  subsoiling  and 
underdraining  to  insure  a “ dead  sure  thing”  on  my  crop 
of  November  beats,  has  enabled  me  to  arrive  at  the  phi- 
losophic conclusion  that  in  honoring  me,  you  have  in  a 
far  greater  degree  done  honor  to  yourselves.  If  in  this 
matter  you  have  done  me  proud,  what  congratulatory 
words  can  be  said  of  a Republic  of  Forty  Millions  of 
freemen,  who,  untrammeled  by  the  despotic  thraldom 
which  enslaves  the  inhabitants  of  effete  despotisms, 
now  have  the  glorious  opportunity  of  electing  me  as 
their  Chief  Executive?  (Excuse  me  for  a moment 
while  I look  into  the  kitchen  to  see  how  my  doughnuts 

are  cooking.) Lives  there  a man  with  soul 

so  dead  as  to  dare  dispute  my  written  words,  which  are 
fearfully  and  wonderfully  made?  That  man  is  a liar 
and  a villain. 

And  referring  to  the  trivial  matter  of  election,  reminds 
me  that  I have,  in  the  interim  of  other  agricultural 


128 


THAT  CONVENTION  ; OR, 


duties,  thrown  off  a few  reasons  why  every  one,  enjoying 
the  right  of  franchise,  should  vote  for  me.  Make  such 
use  of  these  as  in  your  judgment  may  best  subserve  the 
cause  of  the  new  departure  from  jealousies,  strifes,  and 
hates,  which  have  no  longer  adequate  motive,  or  even 
plausible  pretext,  into  an  atmosphere  of  peace,  frater- 
nity, and  mutual  mush,  and,  believe  me,  modestly, 
but  firmly,  now,  henceforth,  and  forever, 

Horace  Gtreeley. 

Yote  for  Me  ! 

To  the  Republicans  : 

Am  I not  the  first  and  only  “ original  Jacobs  ?” 

To  the  Democrats : 

Have  I not  always  acted  as  a counter-irritant  when 
the  Republicans  became  too  radical  in  their  policy  ? 

To  the  Protectionists : 

Am  I not  the  great  Apostle  and  Champion  of  Pro- 
tection ? 

To  the  Free  Traders : 

Did  I not,  with  rare  wisdom,  counsel  my  Cincinnati 
friends  that  this  vexed  question  should  be  left  entirely 
to  the  adjudication  of  a free  and  enlightened  people  ? 

To  the  Secessionists : 

Did  I not  urge  upon  the  North  your  “inalienable 
right”  to  go  piece-ably  out  of  the  Union  ? And  did  I 
not  go  bail  for  Jefferson  Davis  ? 

To  the  Unionists: 

Did  I not  insist  upon  a vigorous  prosecution  of  the 
war  ? (Don’t  put  in  anything  about  Bull  Bun. — H.  G.) 

To  the  Negroes : 

Before  the  war,  was  I not  always  your  best  friend  ? 
And  since  the  war,  have  I not  advocated  and  insisted 
upon  the  stiffest  kind  of  a Ku-Klux  bill  for  your  pro- 
ection  ? 


WILL  YOU  WALK  INTO  MY  PARLOR? 


FIVE  DAYS  A POLITICIAN. 


131 


To  the  K.  K.  K. : 

Am  I not  strenuously  urging  the  repeal  of  the  bill 
which  is  so  offensive  to  you  ? 

To  Administration  men : 

Have  I not  first  proposed  every  good  and  popular 
measure  which  has  made  Grant  a success  ? 

To  Anti- Administration  men : 

Have  I not  opposed  to  the  very  death  every  move 
made  by  the  Usurper  Grant? 

To  aU  honest  men , and  opposers  of  “ rings 

Have  I not  always  given  “ line  upon  line”  in  my  inde- 
fatigable efforts  to  expose  fraud  and  promote  political 
honesty  ? 

To  Tammany : 

Have  I not  stood  by  you  when  your  own  best  friends 
foreswore  all  knowledge  of  you,  carefully  suppressing 
all  damaging  testimony,  and  shielding  you  in  every  pos- 
sible way? 

To  the  Irish  Catholics : 

Have  I not  insisted  upon  the  extension  of  equal  rights 
to  all,  regardless  of  nationality,  encouraging  immigration 
to  our  hospitable  shores  ? 

To  the  Irish  haters: 

Have  I not  opposed  with  uncompromising  energy  the 
usurpations  and  aggravating  encroachments  of  the  Irish 
Catholics? 

To  the  Germans: 

Did  I not  do  the  square  thing  in  the  French  arms 
business  ? 

To  the  German  haters : 

Am  I not  always  committed  to  temperance  and  Sun- 
day law,  and  order,  and  all  that  sort  of  a thing? 

H.  G. 


132 


THAT  CONVENTION. 


(For  lack  of  space  we  are  obliged  to  omit  any  further 
portion  of  this  interesting  translation,  which  goes  on  to 
specify  every  known  political  clique,  religious  order, 
secret  society,  working  man’s  organization,  and  every 
known  shade  of  social,  political,  and  religious  opinion. 
“ You  pays  your  money  and  takes  your  choice.”  Fac 
simile  copies  of  the  original  document  can  be  obtained 
by  calling  on  or  addressing  the  “Liberal  Republican 
Central  Committee,  Room  14,  Astor  House,  New  York.”) 


THEIR  CONSTITUENTS, 


WHICH  BEINO  INTERPRET  El)  MEANS, 


HORACE  GREELEY. 

PART  THIRD. 


MARK. 


GREELEY’S  PROTECTION. 


THE  CABBAGE  CANDIDATE. 


L 

What  I Know  About  the  Later  Franklin.* 


“ Give  me  my  robe:  put  on  my  crown:  I have  Immortal  longings 
in  me.  ” 

The  gentle,  lamb-like  man  upon  whom,  more  to  its  own 
astonishment  than  his,  the  Cincinnati  What-do-call-it- 
now  has  thrust  the  greatness  of  a nomination,  was  born 
of  honest  but  respectable  parents  in  Amherst,  New 
Hampshire,  on  the  third  of  February,  1811.  Any  man 
who  is  not  a liar  and  a villain  can  therefore  discover 
that  he  is  exactly  sixty-one  years  three  months  and 
twenty-four  hours  old.  This  is  a very  good  age  to  be 


By  Miss  Buchanan,  of  the  Chicago  Evening  Post. 


140 


THAT  CONVENTION  ; OR, 


nominated  at.  The  father  of  this  experienced  diplomat 
was  a farmer  ; which  accounts  for  the  singularly  small 
amount  of  knowledge  but  the  great  familiarity  which 
the  son  displays  in  the  matter  of  scientific  and 
political  agriculture,  and  which  constitutes  his  chief 
qualification  to  preside  over  all  the  departments,  especi- 
ally foreign,  of  the  government  of  the  United  States.  In 
his  childhood  he  had  a surprisingly  sweet  and  precocious 
way  of  calling  his  father  Zaccheus;  for  that  was  his 
father’s  name;  and  there  is  nothing,  unless  it  be  the 
majority  of  4,329  in  Livingston  county  for  Lincoln,  to 
show  that  the  modern  epic  beginning  with  the  well- 
known  lines,  “ Zaccheus  he,  did  clum  a tree,”  was  not 
one  of  the  early  efforts  of  the  sylph-like  Horace,  who 
even  in  childhood  had  a singular  affection  for  those  little 
creatures  whom  Providence  has,  for  some  mysterious 
reason,  permitted  to  edit  the  country  press.  To  one  of 
these  reptiles  he  became  apprenticed  when  fifteen  years 
old ; and  its  name  was  the  Northern  Spectator.  While  at 
work  here  he  became  intimately  acquainted  with  horti- 
culture, and  especially  with  the  various  families  of  the 
mealy  vegetable  discovered  by  De  Soto  and  still  the 
pride  of  the  virtuous  domestic  table ; we  refer — is  it 
necessary  to  add  ? — to  the  potato.  Among  the  composi- 
tors of  this  lying  journal,  Dod  (that  was  the  preferred 
pet  name  for  this  well-trained  statesman)  learned  the 
awful  habits  of  appalling  profanity  which  are  the  most 
distinguishing  characteristic  of  his  mature  years  ; which 
indeed  are  only  surpassed  by  his  renowned  trick  of  mak- 
ing his  latest  newspaper  popular  with  the  farming  classes 
by  palming  off  upon  them  waggish  recipes  for  the  mak- 
ing of  beet  sugar  out  of  late  autum  hay,  and  the  shoe- 
ing of  cow’s  feet  to  make  them  give  buttermilk.  If  the 


INNOCENCE  ABROAD. 


FIVE  DAYS  A POLITICIAN. 


143 


<;o ws  do  not  comply,  it  is  simply  proof  positive  that  they 
are  bought  by  British  gold.  When  but  twenty  years 
old,  Dod’s  employer  was  sold  out  worse  than  Trumbull 
or  Davis  ; but  he  had  learned  so  much  about  political 
statistics  that  anybody  who  ever  differed  from  him  was 
set  down  by  the  finger  of  public  scorn  as  a born  idiot 
and  a condemned  (to  be  pronounced  very  quick)  fool. 

Meanwhile  his  surviving  ancestors,  to  wit,  his  paternal 
and  maternal  relatives,  were  residing  in  Erie,  Pa.;  and 
Dod,  being  out  of  employment,  paid  them  a brief  but 
profitable  visit;  for  it  was  at  this  time  he  committed  to 
memory  the  tonnage  in  the  Erie  canal  since  1825,  with 
the  annual  variations  in  tolls,  the  names  of  all  vessels 
that  passed  through,  the  number  of  bushels  carrying 
capacity  of  each,  and  the  profit  and  loss  accounts  of 
their  owners.  He  also  suggested,  while  tarrying  in  the 
locality,  a model  for  a canal  boat,  which,  when  com- 
pleted and  set  afloat  in  the  canal,  persisted  in  keeping- 
bottom  up.  He  explained  to  heaven-defying  scoffers 
that  this  was  all  right  ; because  then  the  grain  was 
likely  to  be  wet  only  on  one  side.  But  the  Canal  Board, 
being  packed  with  purchasable  minions,  never  adopted 
the  model.  Going  successively  to  Jamestown  and  Lodi, 
in  York  State,  he  worked  as  a journeyman  compositor, 
adding  more  expletives  to  his  already  rich  repertoire 
than  gold  to  his  pocket,  and  in  1831  he  started  for  New 
York,  the  proud  and  happy  possesser  of  ten  dollars,  and 
no  trunk;  not  even  a walking-stick.  After  two  years’ 
frugal  labor  in  type-setting  he  and  a Mr.  Story  [need 
we  say  it  was  not  an  ancestor  of  the  late  supporter  of 
the  Liberal  Free-Trade  movement  in  Chicago  ?]  started 
a little  enterprise  of  their  own,  and  did  the  printing  of 
the  Morning  Post,  the  first  penny  daily  paper  in  the 


144 


THAT  CONVENTION  ; OR, 


United  States.  Like  as  the  previous  undertaking  with 
which  he  was  connected,  failed,  so  failed  this  ; and  in 
1834  Mr.  Greeley,  outgrowing  the  name  of  Dod,  became 
the  editor  of  the  weekly  New  Yorker . Its  great  excel- 
lence lay  in  its  political  statistics.  It  lived  seven  years, 
and,  like  its  editor,  spent  more  than  it  earned.  During 
its  life  Mr.  Greeley  was  compelled  to  earn  the  honest 
bread  of  home  industry  by  writing  editorials  for  the 
Daily  Whig , the  Jeffersonian  and  Log  Cabin.  It  was  his 
connection  with  the  last  which  gave  him  his  amazing 
knowledge  of  navigation.  In  1841  he  was  enabled  to 
consolidate  all  these  periodicals  into  the  Daily  Tribune. 

His  political  life  began,  strictly  speaking,  in  1848, 
when  he  was  elected  to  fill  a vacancy  in  Congress;  he 
remained  there  little  more  than  a year,  devoting  himself 
chiefly  to  the  improvement  of  bean-poles,  and  introduc- 
ing resolutions  to  compel  the  Mississippi  to  avoid  snags. 
The  latter  would  have  succeeded  had  not  the  infernal 
spirit  of  treason  been  rampant  in  both  houses.  He  is 
the  author  of  several  volumes  not  much  spoken  of  out- 
side the  columns  of  the  New  York  Tribune,  to  wit : 
“ Hints  toward  Reforms/’  published  in  1850  ; *'c  Glances 
at  Europe,”  written  after  his  return  from  a visit  to  the 
continent  in  1851,  where  he  found  the  effete  despotisms 
grovelling  in  ignorance,  on  all  agricultural  subjects  ; a 
“ History  of  Slavery  from  1787  to  1856  and  in  later 
life,  a biography  of  the  rebellion,  and  “ What  I Know 
About  Farming.” 

The  two  greatest  events  of  his  life  are  his  advocacy  of 
peaceable  secession  for  the  Southern  States  in  1861  ; 
his  bailing  Jefferson  Davis  in  1865  ; and  his  nomination, 
by  way  of  a joke,  at  the  Cincinnati  Free-Trade  Conven- 
tion in  1872. 


— 


FIVE  DAYS  A POLITICIAN. 


147 


II. 

The  Champion  Chirography  of  The  Modern  Cincinnatus.* 


Erickson  unbosoms  his  woes  to  Mark  Twain. 


Mark  Twain  once  met  a poor  demented  individual  in 
the  Island  of  Hawaii,  whose  name  was  Simon  Erickson, 
formerly  a preacher  from  Michigan.  The  mournful  ex- 
perience and  unhappy  fate  of  this  unfortunate  man, 
which  is  directly  traceable  to  the  penmanship  of  the 

* By  Mark  Twain,  in  his  new  book  entitled  “ Boughing  It.” 


148 


THAT  CONVENTION  ; OR, 


“ Cabbage  Candidate  ” for  tbe  Presidency,  was  reported 
in  short  hand  by  Mr.  Twain,  in  the  words  of  Erickson 
himself  : 

Mrs.  Beazeley — Mrs.  Jackson  Beazeley,  widow,  of  the 
Tillage  of  Campbelltown,  Kan.,  wrote  me  about  a matter 
which  was  near  her  heart — a matter  which  many  might 
think  trivial,  but  to  her  it  was  a thing  of  deep  concern. 
I was  living  in  Michigan  then,  serving  in  the  ministry. 
She  was,  and  is,  an  estimable  woman — a woman  to  whom 
poverty  and  hardship  have  proven  incentives  to  industry 
in  place  of  discouragements.  Her  only  treasure  was  her 
son  William,  a youth  just  verging  upon  manhood  ; re- 
ligious, amiable,  and  sincerely  attached  to  agriculture. 
He  was  the  widow’s  comfort  and  her  pride.  And  so, 
moved  by  her  love  for  him,  she  wrote  me  about  a matter, 
as  I have  said  before,  which  lay  near  her  heart,  because 
it  lay  near  her  boy’s.  She  desired  me  to  confer  with  Mr. 
Greeley  about  turnips.  Turnips  were  the  dream  of  her 
child’s  young  ambition.  While  other  youths  were 
frittering  away  in  frivolous  amusements  the  precious 
years  of  budding  vigor  which  God  had  given  them  for 
useful  preparation,  this  boy  was  patiently  enriching  his 
mind  with  useful  information  concerning  turnips.  The 
sentiment  which  he  felt  toward  the  turnip  was  akin  to 
adoration.  He  could  not  think  of  the  turnip  without 
emotion  ; he  could  not  speak  of  it  calmly;  he  could  not 
contemplate  it  without  exaltation.  He  could  not  eat  it 
without  shedding  tears.  All  the  poetry  in  his  sensitive 
nature  was  in  sympathy  wTith  the  gracious  vegetable. 
With  the  earliest  pipe  of  dawn  he  sought  his  patch,  and 
when  the  curtaining  night  drove  him  from  it  he  shut 
himself  up  with  his  books  and  garnered  statistics  till 
sleep  overcame  him.  On  rainy  days  he  sat  and  talked 


FIVE  DAYS  A POLITICIAN. 


149 


hours  together  with  his  mother  about  turnips.  When 
company  came  he  made  it  his  loving  duty  to  put  aside 
everything  else  and  converse  with  them  all  the  day  long 
of  his  great  joy  in  the  turnip.  And  yet  was  this  joy 
rounded  and  complete  ? Was  there  no  secret  alloy  of 
unhappiness  in  it  ? Alas,  there  was.  There  was  a 
canker  gnawing  at  his  heart ; the  noblest  aspiration  of 
his  soul  eluded  his  endeavor,  viz.  ; he  could  not  make 
of  the  turnip  a climbing  vine.  Months  went  by  ; the 
bloom  forsook  his  cheek,  the  fire  faded  out  of  his  eyes; 
sighings  and  abstractions  usurped  the  place  of  smiles 
and  cheerful  converse.  But  a watchful  eye  noted  these 
things,  and  in  time  a motherly  sympathy  unsealed  the 


150 


THAT  CONVENTION  J OK, 


secret.  Hence  the  letter  to  me.  She  pleaded  for  atten- 
tion— she  said  her  boy  was  dying  by  inches.  I was  a 
stranger  to  Mr.  Greeley,  but  what  of  that  ? The  matter 
was  urgent.  I wrote  and  begged  him  to  solve  the 
difficult  problem,  if  possible,  and  save  the  student’s  life. 
My  interest  grew,  until  it  partook  of  the  anxiety  of  the 
mother.  I waited  in  much  suspense.  At  last  the 
answer  came.  I found  that  I could  not  read  it  readily, 
the  handwriting  being  unfamiliar  and  my  emotions  being 
somewhat  wrought  up.  It  seemed  to  refer  in  part  to 
the  boy’s  case,  but  chiefly  to  others  and  irrevelant 
matters — such  as  paving-stones,  electricity,  oysters,  and 
something  which  I took  to  be  “ absolution”  or  “ agrarian- 
ism.” I could  not  be  certain  which.  Still,  these  ap- 
peared to  be  simply  casual  mentions,  nothing  more — 
friendly  in  spirit,  without  doubt,  but  lacking  the  co- 
herence or  connection  necessary  to  make  them  useful. 
I judged  that  my  understanding  was  affected  by  my 
feelings,  and  so  laid  the  letter  away  till  the  morning. 
In  the  morning  I read  it  again,  but  with  difficulty  and 
uncertainty  still,  for  I had  lost  some  little  rest,  and  my 
mental  vision  seemed  clouded.  The  note  was  more  con- 
nected now,  but  did  not  meet  the  emergency  it  was  ex- 
pected to  meet.  It  was  too  discursive.  It  appeared  to 
read  as  follows,  though  I was  not  certain  of  some  of  the 
words  : 

“Pollygamy  dissembles  majesty:  extracts  redeem  polarity:  causes 
hitherto  exist.  Ovations  pursue  wisdom,  of  warts  inherit  and  con- 
demn. Boston,  botany,  cakes,  folony  undertakes,  but  who  shall 
allay?  We  fear  not.  Yrxwly.  Hevace  Eveeloj.” 

But  there  did  not  seem  to  be  one  word  about  turnips. 
There  seemed  to  be  no  suggestion  how  they  might  be 
made  to  grow  like  vines.  There  was  not  even  a refer- 


SUBSOILING  FOR  A CROP  OF  NOVEMBER  BEATS. 


FIVE  DATS  A POLITICIAN. 


153 


ence  to  the  Beazeleys.  I slept  upon  the  matter.  I ate 
no  supper  ; neither  any  breakfast  next  morning.  So  I 
resumed  my  work  with  a brain  refreshed,  and  was  very 
hopeful.  Now  the  letter  took  a different  aspect — all 
save  the  signature,  which  latter  I judged  to  be  only  a 
harmless  affectation  of  Hebrew.  The  epistle  was  neces- 
sarily from  Mr.  Greeley,  for  it  bore  the  printed  heading 
of  the  Tribune,  and  I had  written  to  no  one  else  there. 
The  letter,  I saw,  had  taken  a different  aspect,  but  still 
its  language  was  eccentric  and  avoided  the  issue.  It 
now  appeared  to  say  : 

“Bolivia  extemporizes  mackerel  : borax  esteems  polygamy  ; saus- 
ages wither  in  the  East.  Creation  perdu,  is  done  : for  woes  inherent 
one  can  damn.  Buttons,  buttons,  corks,  geology  underrate  but  we 
shall  allay.  My  beer’s  out.  Yrxwly,  Hevace  Eveelog.” 

I was  evidently  overworked.  My  comprehension  was 
impaired.  Therefore,  I gave  two  days  to  recreation,  and 
then  returned  to  my  task  greatly  refreshed.  The  letter 
now  took  this  form  : 

Poultices  do  sometimes  choke  swine  : tulips  reduce  prosperity  : 
causes  leather  to  resist.  Our  notions  empower  wisdom,  her  let’s 
afford  while  we  can.  Butter  but  any  cakes,  fill  any  undertaker, 
we’ll  wean  him  from  his  filly.  We  feel  hot.  Yrxwly. 

Hevace  Eveeeoj. 

I was  still  not  satisfied.  These  generalities  did  not 
meet  the  question.  They  were  crisp  and  vigorous,  and 
delivered  with  a confidence  that  almost  compelled  con- 
viction, but  at  such  a time  as  this,  with  a human  life  at 
stake,  they  seemed  inappropriate,  worldly,  and  in  bad 
taste.  At  any  other  time  I would  have  been  not  only 
glad  but  proud  to  receive  from  a man  like  Mr.  Greeley 
a letter  of  this  kind,  and  would  have  studied  it  earnestly, 
and  tried  to  improve  myself  all  I could  ; but  now,  with 


154 


THAT  CONVENTION  J OK, 


that  poor  boy  in  his  far  home  languishing  for  relief,  I 
had  no  heart  for  learning.  Three  days  passed  by,  and 
I read  the  note  again.  Again  its  tenor  had  changed.  It 
now  appeared  to  say  : 

Potations  do  sometimes  wake  wines  : turnips  restrain  passion  ; 
causes  necessary  to  state.  Infest  the  poor  widow  ; her  lord’s  effects 
will  be  void.  But  dirt,  bathing,  &c.,  &c.,  followed  unfairly,  will 
worm  him  from  his  folly — so  swear  not.  Yrxwly. 

Hevace  Eveeloj. 

This  was  more  like  it.  But  I was  unable  to  proceed. 
I was  too  much  worn.  The  word  “ turnips  ” brought 
temporary  joy  and  encouragement,  but  my  strength  was 
so  much  impaired,  and  the  delay  might  be  so  perilous 
for  the  boy,  that  I relinquished  the  idea  of  pursuing  the 
translation  further,  and  resolved  to  do  what  I ought  to 
have  done  at  first.  I sat  down  and  wrote  Mr.  Greeley 
as  follows  : 

Dear  Sir  : I fear  I do  not  entirely  comprehend  your  kind  note . 
It  cannot  be  possible,  sir,  that  turnips  restrain  passion — at  least  the 
study  or  contemplation  of  turnips  cannot — for  it  is  this  very  employ- 
ment that  has  scorched  our  poor  young  friend’s  mind  and  sapped  his 
bodily  strength.  But  if  they  do  restrain  it,  will  you  bear  with  us  a 
little  further  and  explain  how  they  should  be  prepared  ? I observe 
that  you  say  ‘ ‘ causes  necessary  to  state,  ” but  you  have  omitted  to 
state  them.  Under  a misapprehension  you  seem  to  attribute  to  me 
interested  motives  in  this  matter — to  call  it  by  no  harsher  term. 
But  I assure  you,  dear  sir,  that  if  I seem  to  be  “ infesting  the 
widow,”  it  is  all  seeming,  and  void  of  reality.  It  is  from  no  seeking 
of  mine  that  I am  in  this  position.  She  asked  me  herself,  to  write 
you.  I never  have  infested  her;  indeed,  I scarcely  know  her.  I 
do  not  infest  anybody.  I try  to  go  along,  in  my  humble  way,  doing 
as  near  right  as  I can,  never  harming  anybody,  and  never  throwing 
out  insinuations.  As  for  “her  lord  and  his  effects,”  they  are  of  no 
interest  to  me.  I trust  I have  effects  enough  of  my  own.  I shall 
endeavor  to  get  along  with  them,  at  any  rate,  and  not  go  mousing 
around,  to  get  hold  of  somebody’s  that  are  “void.”  But,  do  you 


FIVE  DAYS  A POLITICIAN. 


155 


not  see  ? this  woman  is  a widow — she  has  no  “ lord.”  He  is  dead, 
or  pretended  to  be  when  they  buried  him.  Therefore,  no  amount 
of  “ dirt,  bathing,”  &c.,  however,  “ unfairly  followed, ” will  be  likely 
to  “ worm  him  from  his  folly,”  if  being  dead  and  a ghost  is  “folly.” 
Your  closing  remark  is  as  unkind  as  it  was  uncalled  for,  and,  if  re- 
port says  true,  you  might  have  applied  it  to  yourself,  sir,  with  more 
point  and  less  impropriety.  Very  truly  yours,  Simon  Erickson. 

In  the  course  of  a few  days  Mr.  Greeley  did  what 
would  have  saved  a world  of  trouble,  and  much  mental 
and  bodily  suffering  and  misunderstanding,  if  he  had 
done  it  sooner,  to  wit : he  sent  an  intelligible  rescript  or 
translation  of  his  original  note,  made  in  a plain  hand  by 
his  clerk.  Then  the  mystery  cleared,  and  I saw  that  his 
heart  had  been  right  all  the  time.  I will  recite  the  note 
in  its  clarified  form  : 

[Translation.  ] 

Potatoes  do  sometimes  make  vines;  turnips  remain  passive;  cause 
unnecessary  to  state.  Inform  the  poor  widow  her  lad's  efforts  will 
be  vain.  But  diet,  bathing,  &c. , &c. , followed  uniformly,  will  wean 
him  from  his  folly — so  fear  not.  Yours,  Horace  Greeley. 

But,  alas,  it  was  too  late,  sir,  too  late.  The 
criminal  delay  had  done  its  work — young  Beazeley  was 
no  more.  His  spirit  had  taken  its  flight  to  a land  where 
all  anxieties  shall  be  charmed  away,  all  desires  gratified, 
all  ambitions  realized.  Poor  lad,  they  laid  him  to  rest 
with  a turnip  in  each  hand. 


D.  K.  LOCKE, 
(Petroleum  Y.  Nasby.) 


m. 

Bev.  Petroleum  Y.  Nasby  Converts  the  “ Corners  ” to 
the  “Cabbage  Candidate.*” 


“Iked  a severe  time  uv  it.” 


Confedrit  X Roads,  ) 
(wich  is  in  the  State  uv  Kentucky)  >- 
May  8,  1872.  ) 

I hed  a severe  time  uv  it  at  the  Comers,  gittin  our  people  to  con- 
sent to  takin  the  great  and  good  Horris  Greeley  to  ther  buzzums, 
and  embracin  uv  him  the  same  ez  tho  he  hed  bin  Breckinridge 
Hoffman,  or  some  sich  man,  wich  they  hed  bin  more  familyer  with. 
It  took  four  days  uv  persistent  swearin  afore  I cood  convince  em  that 
I hed  any  idee  uv  supportin  a man  wich  they  hed  heerd  me  denounce 


By  D.  R.  Locke,  of  the  Toledo  Blade. 


160 


THAT  CONVENTION  J OK, 


ez  the  viles  Ablishen  despot  on  earth,  a thousand  times.  Alas! 
they  don’t  know  the  full  elasticissity  uv  the  Democratic  mind. 

I called  a meetin,  and  give  em  an  account  uv  my  stewardship  at 
Cincinnati. 

I commenst  my  remarks  by  sayin  that  I went  to  Cincinnati  with  a 
view  uv  nominatin  that  sterlin  patriot,  Judge  Davis,  who  tho  in 
offls  ez  a Republikin,  hezn’t  enuff  Republikinism  about  him  to  hurt 
him,  or  that  other  sterlin  patriot  Charles  Francis  Adams,  the  son  of 
John  Quincy  Adams,  but  wich  hezn’t  anything  uv  the  Adams  about 
him  but  the  name.  It  wuz  a gatherin  uv  the  people,  not  an  offls- 
holders  convenshun  ; and  that  wuz  what  wus  the  matter  with  us. 
Not  one  of  the  delegates  held  a Government  posishen,  and  not  one  uv  us 
hed  any  chance  of  gettin  one  under  Grant.  “ Grant  be  d — d,”  wuz 
the  cry  in  chorus.  “ Give  us  anybody  else.” 

I confest,  tho,  I was  somewhat  disappointed.  The  Convenshen 
hed  throwd  off  on  Adams  and  Davis  and  nominated  Greeley. 

“Hang  him!”  shouted  the  people,  “I  kin  lick  any  man  in  a 
minute,  who  asks  me  to  vote  for  him  !”  shouted  Kernal  McPelter. 

I paid  no  attention  to  these  compliments. 

“I  hed  no  idee  uv  even  supportin  him,  and  wuz  glad  uv  his 
nominashen  only  ez  I beleeved  he  wood  draw  off  enuff  Republikin 
votes  to  enable  us  to  elect  a sound  Constitooshnel  Democrat — ” 

“ That’s  wat  we  want — a sound  Constitooshnel  Democrat !”  yelled 
Kernel  McPelter,  late  of  the  Confederit  servis. 

“But  I hev  notist  that  the  great  majority  uv  the  Democratic 
papers — (I  kin  read,  my  brethren,  and  hev  that  advantage  over 
yoo) — insist  on  adoptin  him  at  our  Convenshun,  and  ef  so,  he  is  our 
candidate.  ” 

“ We’ll  see  him — ” 

“ Hold !”  said  I quickly,  “No  good  Demokrat  kin  bolt  a regler 
nominashen,  and  after  all  Horris  is  not  the  wust  one  we  kin  hev. 
Our  motto  wuz  “ Principles,  not  men.”  We  carried  it  out  to  the  letter. 
We  adopted  principles ; and  ez  for  men,  we  come  ez  near  nothin  ez  pos- 
sible, under  the  circumstances.  Troo,  he  is  a high  protective  tariff  man, 
wich  don’t  soot  Elder  Pennibacker,  but  the  Elder  must  remember  that 
the  versateel  Horris  is  willin,  ef  we  will  support  him,  to  treat  that  ishoo 
ez  one  to  be  settled  by  the  people  elsewhere.  He  was  an  oppresserof 
the  South,  Kernel  McPelter  would  say.  Troo,  he  wuz  at  times,  and 
then  again  at  times  he  wuznt.  I hevwacht  the  great  and  good  Greeley 


POSITIVELY  LAST  APPEARANCE  OF  THE  POLITICAL  BLONDIN. 


FIVE  DAYS  A POLITICIAN. 


163 


very  closely  for  many  years.  There  ain’t  no  question  that  I now 
remember  uv  (except  slavery  and  the  price  of  the  New  York  Weekly 
Triboon),  that  he  ain’t  bin  on  both  sides  uv  a dozen  times.  Like  the 
intoxicated  indivijuel  who  coodent  git  into  bed  coz  the  room  wuz 
whirlin  round*  and  who  determined,  finally,  to  lay  still  and  wait  till 
the  bed  come  round  to  him,  all  that  any  question  hez  got  to  do  is  to 
stay  still  and  Horris  is  certin  to  come  round  to  it.  He  bleeved 
slavery  wuz  unconstitooshnel  and  yet  wuz  for  payin  the  nigger 
owners  for  the  nigger.  He  defended  John  Brown’s  raid  and  opposed 
secession.  Then  immejitly  thereafter  he  favored  secession,  then 
insisted  on  war,  agin  us  for  secedin,  then  urged  the  Federal  hirelins 
on  to  Kichmond  then  tried  to  patch  up  a peace  with  us.  He  hez 
bin  a Radical  and  a Conservative,  a Fourierite  and  a believer  in  bran 
bread.  He  opposed  Taylor  and  supported  him  ; he  supported 
Linkin  and  opposed  him.  In  short,  he  hez  been  on  all  sides  uv  all 
questions — one  side  to-day  and  tother  to-morrow,  and  very  frekently 
both  at  the  same  time.  In  short,  I don’t  know  uv  nothin  that  he 
hezn’t  bin,  and  can’t  imagine  nothin  that  he  ain’t  extremely  likely 
to  be.  I read  his  record  yesterday,  and  wuz  wuss  tore  up  in  my 
mind  than  ez  tho  I hed  bin  on  a drunk  for  a week.  I never  knowd 
more  confusin  or  intoxication  readin.  ” 

“But,”  sed  Deekin  Pogram,  “ are  we  Dimocrats  to  be  compelled 
to  vote  for  sich  a bundle  uv  contradickshens  ? 

“ My  aged  friend,  ” I replied  blandly,  “wood  yoo  like  to  receeve 
from  me  the  triflin  sum  uv  one  hundred  and  eighty  dollars,  wich  I 
owe  yoo  ? Wood  Bascom  ? Wood — ” 

From  every  indivijuel  in  that  awjence  there  came  up  like  the  roar 
uv  a torrent  : “ Yes  !” 

On  the  question  of  my  payin  my  debts  the  Corners  is  singlerly 
yoomanimous. 

“ My  brethren,  the  way  to  my  liquidatin  is  Post  Orifis,  and  Post 
Orifis  only.  Ef  I wuz  in  my  old  place  now  okkepied  by  that  dis- 
gustin  nigger,  Lubbock,  yoo  wood  hev  at  least  a chance  for  yoor 
money.  Ef  the  great  and  good  Greeley  is  elected  that  nigger  goes 
out,  and  I go  in.  Pollock  goes  out  of  the  Collector  s Offis,  and  in 
goes  Issaker  Gavitt  or  Kernel  McPelter,  Watkins  the  nigger  Assessor 
woodent  be  allowed  to  hold  his  place  a minit,  and  that  saint  Deekin 
Pogram,  or  that  other  saint,  Elder  Pennibacker,  wood  be  immejitly 
installed,  and — ” 


164 


THAT  CONVENTION  ; OR, 


“(Hear!  hear!”  from  Issaker  Gavitt,  Elder  Pennibacker,  Mc- 
Pelter  and  Pogram — Kernel  McPelter  earnestly  lickin  a man  who 
indulged  in  latter.) 

“In  short,  my  brethren,  we  want  the  offisis.  We  hev  been  eatin 
grass  like  Nebuchadnezzar,  sence  1860  (with  the  exception  of  John- 
son’s blessed  yeers),  and  Pharoah’s  lean  kine  aint  nothin  to  us.  We 
hunger  and  thirst  for  em.  Uv  course  I’d  rather  git  my  place  back 
agin  thro  Breckenridge,  but  rather  than  not  hev  it  I’d  take  it  from 
Wendell  Phillips  hisself.  Ef  Greeley  is  necessary  to  gittin  them  I 
go  Greeley.  He  may  shift  ez  fast  ez  he  pleases,  I kin  follow,  him. 
Put  that  Post  Orifis  in  front  uv  me,  and  ef  he  can  shift  faster  than  I 
kin,  I hev  overestimated  my  powers  in  that  line.  He  will  insist  upon 
qualificashens  strenuously,  but  he  hez  his  own  standard.  He  be- 
leeves  that  them  who  admire  Horris  Greeley  are,  ex  offisho,  fit  for 
any  place  under  any  Government,  and  them  who  don’t  ain’t  wurth  a 
d — n for  anything.  I am  talented  at  admirin  sich  men,  I am.” 
Pogram,  Pennibacker.  McPelter  and  Issaker  Gavitt  wuz  entirely 
convinced,  but  there  wuz  still  murmurin  among  the  others. 

“ You  idiots,”  sed  I sternly,  is  Grant  a Republikin?” 

“He  is  ! — he  is!” 

“Hey  yoo,  ez  Democrats,  anything  to  expect  from  him ?” 

“ We  hevn’t !”  they  replied. 

“ Do  you  know  the  pekoolyarities  uv  the  great  and  good  Horris? 
We  know  what  he  is  to-day  ; we  know  wat  he  wuz  yesterday,  and 
sich  uv  yoo  ez  kin  read  plain  print  and  write  without  runnin  yoor 
tongues  out  kin  assertane  wat  he  wuz  before  that.  Wat  he  has  been 
yoo  know,  but  wat  he  will  be  only  the  Almity,  who  knows  all  things 
can  tell,  and  no  one  buthisselfsupposesheis  uv  suffishnt  account  to 
be  made  the  subject  of  prophecy.  We  are  very  certain  uv  a Republi- 
kin ef  Grant  is  elected — we  may  hev  a Republikin  or  a Demokrat,  ef 
Greeley  succeeds.  Its  an  even  chance  where  he  lites,  with  the  per 
cent,  in  our  favor,  for  uv  course  the  Republikins  will  make  fun  uv 
him,  wich  is  the  only  thing  he  never  forgives.  Ez  an  uncertainty  is 
better  for  us  than  a certainty,  ’rah  for  Greeley !” 

They  wuz  convinst  and  immejitly  a Greeley  Club  was  organized. 
In  Cincinnati  I hed  embarkt  in  a speckulashun.  I hed  twenty  dol- 
lars left  from  the  money  I hed  borrowed  uv  Judge  Davis’  committee, 
and  I invested  ’em  in  fifty  white  hats  uv  an  ancient  pattern,  expectin 
to  sell  them  to  the  Greeley  Club,  wich  I intended  to  organize,  at, 


FIVE  DAYS  A POLITICIAN. 


165 


Bay,  $1  50  each.  After  the  club  was  organized  I stated  to  ’em  that 
the  yooniform  must  be  the  style  uv  dress  uv  our  beloved  chief ; a 
white  hat  and  the  left  pantaloons’  leg  on  the  top  uv  the  boot  leg,  and 
that  I hed  sekoored  white  hats  enuff  to  supply  the  club.  Here  a 
difficulty  okkurred.  In  the  entire  party  there  wuzn’t  a pair  uv 
pantaloons  which  wazn’t  worn  off  at  least  three  inches  above  where 
a boot-top  wood  be,  and  it  bein  warm  weather  the  aujence  was  all 
bare-footed.  However  they  took  the  hats  readily,  and  I stashened 
myself  at  a table  to  receive  the  cash  for  ’em.  A profit  of  fifty-five 
dollars  wuzn’t  so  bad.  Alas ! how  human  hopes  are  blighted  ! Bas- 
com  sed  he’d  take  them  hats,  collect  the  money  for  ’em  and  credit 
me  on  account ! and  he  did  it.  I didn’t  get  a dollar  uv  it ! 


“It  wuz  a cheerin  site.” 

I swallowed  it  ez  best  I mite,  for  it  ain’t  no  good  to  make  a row 
about  it.  No  one  in  the  Corners  kin  oppose  Bascom,  for  he  hez  all 
the  likker  there  iz.  But  we  hed  a jollificashen  over  the  organiza- 
shen.  It  wuz  a cheerin  site  to  see  fifty  men  all  in  Greeley  white  hats 
drinkin  the  health  uv  the  great  Horris  in  Bascom’s  new  whisky  ! It 
wuz  a cheerin  site  to  see  the  zeal  wich  the  admirers  uv  the  white- 
coated  philanthropist,  all  in  white  hats,  went  for  sich  niggers  ez  they 
found  in  the  streets  that  nite ! I don’t  despair  uv  seein  niggers 
flogged  under  them  white  hats.  Petkoleum  Y.  Nasby, 

(Wich  wuz  Postmaster. ) 


166 


THAT  CONVENTION  ; OR, 


IV. 

The  Epicurean  Greeley  on  Doughnuts. 

Every  department  of  useful  knowledge  has  at  some 
time,  or  other,  been  the  subject  of  careful  investigation 
and  practical  experiment  by  Horace  the  Great ; hence, 
culinary  matters  have  come  in  for  a fair  share  of  his 
attention. 

It  was  the  document  that  follows,  which  received  the 
attention  of  the  State  Legislature  of  Pennsylvania,  during 


“Truly  delicious.  ’ 


its  last  session,  that  suggested  the  appropriate  name  of 
the  “ Doughnut  Platform”  for  that  adopted  by  the  Cin- 
cinnati Convention  : 


FIVE  DAYS  A POLITICIAN. 


167 


‘ ‘ Tribune  Office,  Feb.  27, 1872.  “ 
‘ * Mr.  J.  T.  V.,  Reading,  Pa. — Dear  Sir:  Your  favor  of  tbe  21st 
inst.  is  just  received.  As  tbe  season  is  advanced,  and  bas  kept  me 
in  the  bouse  a great  deal,  I bave  been  trying  to  better  tbe  condition 
of  our  people  by  endeavoring  to  make  improvements  in  cooking. 

“For  some  years  I found  that  doughnuts  lay  too  heavy  on  my 
stomach,  which  my  physicians  attribute  to  the  fat  in  which  they  are 
fried.  They  tell  me  that  a doughnut  contains  about  eighty  times  as 
much  fat  as  is  consistent  with  the  doughnut.  To  overcome  this  diffi- 
culty"! have  gone  to  considerable  philosophic  research.  By  using 
only  one-eighth  of  the  usual  amount  of  fat  for  frying  them,  Mrs.  Gree- 
ley assured  me  the  doughnuts  would  burn.  By  using  eight  times  as 
much  flour,  I would  have  eight  times  as  much  doughnuts  as  I 


“ The  tide  was  still  rising. 


168 


THAT  CONVENTION  J OR, 


wanted.  I therefore  determined  to  use  eight  times  the  usual  amount 
of  sots.  Mrs.  G.  fixed  up  the  batter  in  the  bread  bowl ; having  made 
exact  proportions.  I put  in  one  pint  of  sots.  The  next  morning,  on 
entering  the  kitchen,  we  found  that  the  batch  of  doughnuts  had  risen 
about  ninety  degrees  above  our  highest  expectations,  and  the  tide 
was  still  rising.  Mrs.  G.  heated  the  lard,  while  I tried  to  stir  down 
the  batter,  hut  all  to  no  use.  I poured  in  some  fat,  but  it  spurted 
and  crackled,  and  I was  mortified  to  find  my  experiment  a failure. 
Too  much  sots  in  doughnuts  is  worse  than  Carl  Schurz  in  a caucus. 

“But  I was  not  dismayed.  Education  has  done  much  for  the 
human  mind,  and  there  is  no  reason  in  philosophy  why  it  should  not 
do  as  much  for  doughnuts.  To  preserve  the  tono  of  the  .doughnut 
without  the  fat,  I substituted  alcohol  for  lard  ; but  the  consequence 


FIVE  DAYS  A POLITICIAN. 


1G9 


was  that  Mrs.  G.  and  myself  narrowly  escaped  with  our  lives.  We 
only  saved  three  doughnuts  out  of  the  batch,  two  of  which  we  ate, 
and  sent  the  third  to  Mr.  Beecher.  They  were  truly  delicious,  but 
they  are  too  high  priced,  and  the  manufacture  is  attended  with  too 
much  risk  for  this  brand  ever  to  become  a popular  diet.  Those  we 
made  cost  us  about  seventy-five  cents  apiece. 

‘ ‘ I hear  that  in  your  vicinity  you  raise  a small  fruit  called  pretzels, 
which  are  said  to  be  very  good  when  cooked.  Please  send  me  a few 
seeds,  and  I will  set  them  out  in  the  spring. 

“HORACE  GREELEY.” 


170 


THAT  CONVENTION. 


Y. 

First  Message  of  the  (Do-anything-to-be)  Next  President. 

Washington,  March  21,  1873. 
The  President  to-day  returned  to  the  Senate  the  bill 
imposing  a tax  of  ten  cents  per  ton  on  guano,  accompa- 
nied by  the  following  veto  message: 

I return  this  obnoxious  measure  without  my  approval.  The  man 
who  introduced  it  is  an  ass;  the  men  who  voted  for  it  are  scheming 
British  agents,  and  the  men  who  say  this  is  not  the  case  are  liars  and 
horse-thieves.  I judge  that,  on  an  average,  every  man,  woman,  and 
child  in  America  uses  a ton  of  guano  in  some  shape  or  other;  whether 
as  the  farmer  in  New  York,  Louisiana,  Colorado,  Podunk,  &c.,  in 
agriculture,  or  as  Charles  A.  Dana,  for  editorial  articles.  We  thus 
consume,  in  round  figures,  40,000,000  of  tuns  of  guano  annually. 
The  arbitrary  and  revolutionary  act  which  I veto  to-day  would  thus 
impose  a tax  of  $40, 000,000  a year  on  our  people.  With  what  effect  ? 
It  would  not  stimulate  the  production;  American  birds  could  not 
compete  with  the  pauper  labor  of  birds  in  debauched  and  priest- 
ridden  Central  America.  I am  not  quite  sure  as  to  what  I mean,  or 
why  it  is  not  so,  or  what  is  which;  but  the  man  who  speaks  to  the 
contrary  is  a hell-hound,  and  bribed  by  British  gold.  H.  G. 


“A  HORSE!  A HORSE! 


MY  KINGDOM  FOR  A HORSE.” 


PART  FOURTH, 

(And  last: — which  is  far  more  pertinent  to  the  Cincin- 
nati Convention  than  that  comical  conclave  was  to  the 
objects  which  nominally  called  it  together,  and  nomina- 
tionally  dispersed  it  in  disgust. ) 


. 


« 


. 


. 


. 


. 


A beautiful  oil  print  of  the  “ Candidate  with  horse  sense  ” will  be  sent  gratis  to  all  ap- 
plicants who  address  the  publishers  of  this  book,  at  Chicago. 


A.  DOUBLE-TEAM  TROT. 


i. 

Horses  in  Motion  (Which  is  Immoral). 


The  Start. 

(If  any  “kind  reader ” has  struggled  along  to  this  point, 
she,  or  he,  must  be  as  tired  of  the  book  as  was  the  Editor 
when  he  had  achieved  the  completion  of  the  first  three 
parts,  and  with  him  will  be  glad  to  recreate  a little  in 
the  way  of  a ride  up  the  avenue  behind  two  “ spanking 
bays,” — which,  by  the  by,  Wilke's  Spirit  characterizes  as 
the  liveliest  thing  of  the  kind  ever  written  this  side  the 
ocean. ) 

A pair  of  fast  horses  is  not  a bad  thing  to  have — pro- 


180 


THAT  CONVENTION  ; OR, 


vided  they  are  not  just  “ fast  ” enough  to  always  get  beat. 
Personally,  I am  no  lover  of  horse-racing,  as  it  is  usually 
carried  on  for  money.  Never  bet  a cent  on  a horse  race 
— never  shall.  But  I know  of  no  recreation  equal  to  a 
ride  along  Michigan  avenue  behind  a certain  pair  of  sor- 
rels that  claim  me  for  their  master. 

I shall  never  forget  a ride  I took  behind  my  sorrels  in 
company  with  a noted  lawyer  of  this  city,  last  spring. 

My  friend  always  takes  the  cars,  and  is  opposed  to 
horse-racing.  Is  a good  Presbyterian,  and  of  course  it’s 
against  his  creed  ; but  consented  to  ride  to  Hyde  Park 
with  me  in  case  I would  agree  to  drive  slow.  The  after- 
noon was  balmy  ; roads  in  the  best  possible  condition  ; 
the  horses  felt  in  good  spirits;  but  of  course  we  started 
at  a slow  pace,  intending  to  take  a full  hour  to  make  the 
six  miles.  One  after  another  of  the  thousand-dollar 
spankers  one  sees  on  the  avenue  passed  us,  and  it  was 
with  some  difficulty  that  I could  resist  the  temptation  to 
“let  them  out /’believing  with  Henry  Ward  Beecher,  that 
if  the  Maker  of  the  horse  had  not  intended  the  horse  to 
“ go,”  He  would  not  have  put  the  “ go  ” into  him. 

“These  horses  seem  to  go  by  you  without  much 
trouble,”  said  my  friend. 

“ Yes  !”  I replied  ; “ I must  keep  my  word  with  you 
and  forego  half  the  pleasure  of  the  ride,  to  me,  for  your 
safety  and  pleasure.” 

“ Is  the  buggy  firmly  built  and  staunch  ?”  he  inquired. 

“ I think  so,”  said  I.  “It  is  one  of  Brewster’s  best.” 

“ Are  the  horses  gentle  ?” 

“ Well,  yes  ! I think  so.” 

“ Never  run  off  ?” 

“ Never,  to  my  knowledge ; but  then  it’s  safer  to  go 
slow/’  I suggested. 


FIVE  DAYS  A POLITICIAN. 


181 


“ I am  aware  of  that,”  said  my  friend,  a little  tartly. 
“ I don’t  like  to  endanger  our  lives,  and  yet  it’s  rather 
provoking  to  be  left  behind  "when  the  horses  are  so  anxious 
to  go,  and  can  lead.  I like  to  lead  in  everything  I under- 
take in  this  life.” 

“ Well,”  said  I,  “ if  you  say  so,  we  will  let  them  out.” 

At  this  moment  there  dashe$  alongside  a pair  that 
were  worthy  our  speed. 

“ Can  that  pair  trot  much  ?”  asked  my  friend. 

“ Yes,”  said  I.  “ Shall  we  keep  them  company  ?” 

“ I am  a little  afraid,”  said  the  still  hesitating  Presby- 
terian. “Are  you  sure  the  buggy  is  firmly  built  and 
staunch  ?” 

“ Both,”  I reiterated — “ Brewster’s  best !” 

“Brewster?  Don’t  know  him.  Never  practiced  in 
Chicago,  did  he  ?” 

“ No  ; he  makes  light  wagons  in  New  York.” 

“ Excuse  me — I see — but  hold  on,  please;  we  are  surely 
going  too  fast.” 

“ I will  hold  up,  if  you  say  so.” 

“ I do  ; — but,  confound  it — don’t  get  beat.  The  buggy 
is ” 

“ Yes,”  I anticipated,  “ warranted  for  a year.” 

“ Life  insured  ?” 

“No.  Buggy’s  is — not  mine.  How  is  it  with  you ?” 

I have  but  $3,000.  Was  intending  to  take  out ” 

By  this  time  we  were  going  very  fast.  It  was,  to  use 
a common  phrase,  “Nip  and  Tuck”  between  the  two 
pair,  with  Tuck — which  was  us — just  a trifle  behind. 

My  friend  grasped  my  arm  in  great  excitement,  ex- 
claiming, “By  Jove,  this  is  fun!  Let  ’em  out,”  and  I 
did  “let  ’em  out” — and  our  opponent  did  the  same.  No 
urging  was  needed — no  whips  used.  The  two  sped 


182 


THAT  CONVENTION  ; Oil, 


ahead  magnificently.  Now  one  would  lead — then  the 
other.  Not  a break  for  a clear  half  mile. 


“Can't  we  leave  him  behind  ?”  urged  my  friend. 

For  the  first  time  I shouted,  “ Go  on,  Billy !”  which 
was  rash  of  me,  for  Billy  knew  his  business  better  than 
we  did,  and  broke. 

“ We  are  lost !”  said  my  friend,  “ we  are  ruined” — 
mixing  up  the  race  with  some  important  suit  in  which 
he  was  engaged. 

“ Hold  on,”  said  I ; “ perhaps  not.  Whoa,  Billy ! 
Whoa!  Steady — don’t  disgrace  us,  my  boy.”  A wicked 
jump  or  two  and  he  settled  into  a frightful  trot,  and  we 
both  shouted,  “ Go  in,  Billy — go  /” 

“ Yes !”  shouted  the  completely  demoralized  Presby- 
terian,” “ Go,  Billy,  for  all  you  are  worth,  if  you  never 
did  before  ;”  and  sure  enough  he  did  go,  as  if  fully 
realizing  the  situation.  Both  went.  Yes,  all  four 
went,  at  a terrible  gait,  regardless  of  life  and  limb  ; the 
gravel  flew  back  like  hail 

“ Cover  your  mouth  for  the  home  stretch,”  I sug- 
gested, “ or  you’ll  need  a dentist  to-morrow.” 


FIVE  DAYS  A POLITICIAN. 


183 


“ Don’t  talk  to  me  of  dentists  or  teeth,  but  beat  that 
fellow,  and  I will  square  our  accounts  to-morrow,  in  a 
way  that  will  show  that  even  a Chicago  lawyer  has  some 
conscience.” 

Having  had  some  experience  in  this  direction,  and  as 
this  reduced  the  race  to  a financial  matter  (no  betting, 
however),  I again  spoke  to  Billy  and  mate,  when  they 
again  increased  their  speed,  and  bearing  beautifully 
ahead,  left  us  masters  of  the  situation,  in  sight  of  Hyde 
Park. 

Now  all  this  may  have  been  very  wicked,  according  to 
the  belief  of  many  good  people  ; but  neither  of  us 
thought  so,  for  it  brought  the  oxygen  to  our  cheeks, 
vigor  to  our  bodies,  and  a healthy  rest  and  recreation  to 
our  brains. 


“ Bearing  beautifully  ahead.” 


The  good  Methodist  sister  on  the  Mississippi  thought 
boat-racing  very  wicked,  when  the  race  began,  but  she 
fed  the  furnace  with  her  invoice  of  fat  hams  when  the 
wood  was  exhausted. 

We  are  fully  aware  that  a large  portion  of  the 
Christian  world  think  keeping  a fast  horse  is  wicked, 


184 


THAT  CONVENTION. 


and  would  not  look  at  a horse-race,  unless  it  was 
through  their  fingers, — as  the  modest  Quaker  lady  did 
at  the  statuary, — for  fear  of  committing  an  unpardonable 
sin.  Now  I am  of  a decidedly  different  opinion,  and  can 
see  no  more  harm  in  looking  at  a trial  of  speed  between 
horses  than  between  two  birds  in  mid  air. 

I do  not  think  that  Mr.  Bonner’s  charities,  and  efforts 
in  encouraging  American  authors,  are  of  any  less  value 
because  he  loves  the  horse  ; nor  were  the  eloquent  ser- 
mons of  the  Rev.  Mr.  Spear,  of  New  York,  any  less 
forcible  because  he  was  fond  of  fast  horses,  and  offered 
$2,000  for  the  Flora  Temple  of  his  time.  Better  a thou- 
sand times  for  a minister  to  own  and  drive  a fast  horse 
than  to  preach  with  a diseased  brain  or  a dyspeptic 
stomach. 


THE  END. 


